Respite is a break for parents from draining kids. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) can suck the life out of you if you do not take care of yourself.  In order to model the behaviours and attitude you want your disturbed children to have, you must be feeling refreshed enough to do so.

We class Respite related to children with RAD into two types with which we are most familiar and we believe are most common:

à        Relief Respite: Simply a structured break from the child. More structured than a traditional babysitter would be; usually with a pre-arranged pick up and drop off time.

à        Motivational Respite: Highly structured respite with a distinct theme centered around family reunification, supporting the parents, the children making restitution for their behaviours, and an indefinite timeline for the child's return home; i.e.) the child must make an effort to work on their life which will determine the length of their stay.

Respite is:

à        To give the parents a break

à        To demonstrate to the child that the parents have a support network

à        To demonstrate to the child that the parents are still able to take care of their own relationship and the rest of the family despite the RAD child's behaviours

à        To give the RAD affected child opportunities to work on his or her life and to reflect on the behaviour that caused him or her to be sent to respite

Respite is not:

à        Fun time for the child without his/her family

à        Time to triangulate the adults in his/her life

à        Time for the child to get special treats

à        Time for the child to go to special places

Ideally, the parents have someone whom they trust, or several people, whom they can reach by speed dial when necessary to have that person attend to pick up their child. When parents feel like they need respite badly, they are probably a little bit past the end of their rope and it is really helpful to get assistance immediately. If you are a respite provider and the parent of a RAD child calls you, it is because they really need you. NOW. These children can push people beyond their limits so quickly and it is important to recognize parents’ efforts in seeking support before they feel as though they have lost control of a situation.

As a Respite provider, try not to contact the parents during this break unless absolutely necessary. The parents need time to live life without a mentally disturbed child to watch. The parents need sleep, fun time, and most importantly, time together.

The easiest way to maintain contact so both family and respite provider are in the know about behaviours without having to discuss them in front of the child at the time of pick up or drop off, is to keep a log book. Parents leave instructions for the respite worker and the respite worker should endeavour to read this prior to the trip to their home, or immediately upon arrival.

The child is always working on trying to get everyone believe he or she is normal and the parents are crazy. The respite provider should always back the parents and verbally support them in front of the child.  This support for the parents does not support the child's plan.  For example:

Wow – he/she is SO lucky to have you. You are such a strong mom. Thanks for taking a break for yourself and letting me watch “Sweetums” for you for a while. You really deserve that break. Enjoy it!

 If you can help out a family, do so! Be prepared to meet with the family first.  Be willing to honestly listen to what the family is dealing with.  Be ready to do some hard work!

If you are a family with a RAD child, you can also help out! That is part of why we started this support group. There are many of us with these children who know a lot of good tips and tricks and we should be willing to share this information.   Additionally someone in crisis mode may need several days free from his or her RAD child in order to re-group.  It may be possible for you to offer your home for this time and may save a family.  Besides that, it will give you the chance to hone your skills on someone other than your own little RAD kiddo.

We will not forget the family who had their own RAD-affected child and took ours in as we desperately needed a break after all the incidents at school had blown up and our son was on a quick moving downhill slide of regression to no where. We needed time to regroup and to plan. Every parent needs these things with these children, but there are occasionally times where the help is needed immediately. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone in this group for assistance. Remember that you are dealing with parents who KNOW what it's like.

And to other supporters – look at purchasing Nancy Thomas' DVDs “Respite to the Rescue” and “Circle of Support” from Nancy Thomas' site for some good info on providing “family friendly respite” to families with RAD children. You can make a difference for a family!