There is a time to be serious, but sometimes we have a seriously hard time doing so.  - An Old Town Friend

*****

A devout Quakeress lived in the country with her husband. She woke up to the sound of something breaking downstairs.  She woke her husband. "Samuel, listen."  "I think there's a prowler. Thee needs to go see."  The Quaker got up, grabbed a hunting rifle and just as he came to the top of the stairs, sure enough, there was the prowler opposite him below, frozen at the sight of a gun pointed at him. The Quaker, aiming the gun right at the man said: "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou art standing where I am about to shoot."

******

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Quaker.
Quaker who?
Quaker Oats!

*******
A particular professor was known to have a sour disposition, and one day he barked at his class, "If there are any utter ignoramuses here, please stand up!" After a long silence, one friend in gray slowly stood up. "I see," said the professor, "so you admit to being a total ignoramus, then?" "Um, not exactly, Friend," replied the boy, "but I do hate to see thee standing up there by thyself."

*******

Friend Jones sat down to his breakfast with the day's newspaper. He was shocked when he turned to the obituaries page, to find an announcement of his own demise. He immediately pulled out his cell phone and called the clerk of his Friend's Meeting. "Has thee seen the announcement of my death in the newspaper?" he asked the clerk. "Errr, yes," responded the clerk. Then after an uncomfortable pause he added, "... Um, where exactly is thee calling from?"


*****
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!"

*****

"A Real Quaker"

There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items.

This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.

Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself. "Are you a Quaker"? he asked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise.

"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.

"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?"

The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."

"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.

The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up.

As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, "Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"

The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply.

The man said, "Screw Thee."

******

Taken from Quakers Are Funny! by Chuck Fager, Kimo Press, 1987:
One World War II Quaker conscientious objector had been a
professional wrestler. Once when he and some other inmates of the
Coshocton CPS camp in Ohio made a trip into town, they were hassled
about their pacifism by some local youths, who insisted that only
force could change the German's views.

In response, the ex-wrestler took off his coat, challenged one of
the local boys to a match, and promptly threw the townie across the
room. He then asked the youth, "Now do you believe that force won't
change people's views?"

"Heck no!" the local boy hollered back.

"That's exactly my point," said the Quaker, who put on his coat and left.

******

Two Quakers walk into a bar, immediately realize their error, and leave without incident.

*****

Rev. Dr. W , when he can find leisure,

is fond of hunting and fishing. He is a keen shot and a ready wit. Coming home one day from a shooting excursion, with several ducks in his hand, he met a Quaker friend, whose salutation was,

"Good-morning, friend W . Where did thee get those ducks ? "

" I shot them," was the answer.

" Well, does thee think it is right to give pain to such harmless birds, and even to take away their life?"

" Why not ? " said the doctor. " You know that they, as well as we, must all die at some time ; and if they can be of use to us as food, I do not see any harm in shooting them, any more than in killing the chickens you and I every day eat."

"Yes," said the Quaker, "I know every creature must die when its time comes, but it seems cruel to take its life before that time."

"Well, friend H ," said the doctor,

" when, with a well-loaded gun, I get my eye on a duck, I generally find its time has come. So, even in your own view, there can't be any harm in killing it! "

"Ah, friend W ," said the Quaker, with

a laugh, " I see it is as hard to get away from thy wit as from thy shot! "

******

One of the great events of the Society of Friends is the Yearly Meeting. The social character of this serious occasion is doubtless heightened by the equality which women enjoy. The world seldom sees such a gathering as a thousand or more of women, convened to conduct the affairs of their branch of " society," in solemn order, with no presiding officers but the clerk and her assistant. ,

" When they come up to their usual meeting," says Charles Lamb, "they show like troops of the shining ones."

About sixty years ago, among those who attended the New England Yearly Meeting, held, as now, at Newport, was Martha H , of Nantucket, about nineteen years old, whose "Quaker bonnet" did not conceal her wavy hair, bright eyes, and regular features. As Friends were not sufficiently numerous to entertain all who came to the meeting, she, with a number of others, lodged at a Friends' boardinghouse kept by Sarah Perry. One evening a number, young and old, were seated in the parlor, several " men Friends " in the back part of the room, wearing their hats, as was still a Quaker custom, or testimony. A party of young Friends, of both sexes, sat near the windows, engaged in the innocent amusement of giving humorous definitions—a game which excited much merriment. Martha H possessed a ready wit, and was doubtless very animated. Whereupon one of the men Friends, an elder in the meeting, spoke to her thus: " Martha, canst thou give me the definition of gravity ? "