|
Excitement Sweeps the County
Celebritician visits OC Fairgrounds
Hope keeps the rowdy afloat in an hours long wait for tickets.
COSTA MESA -- In a awkwardly painful move for the OC Fairgrounds Board of Directors, nearly 4,000 tickets for a popular political event were given away to the general public during a raucous, circus-like free-for-all on Tuesday morning. President Barack Obama, the headlining act, declined to give OCLegend.Com the time of day.
According to police, most of the trouble began when board member and Republican stalwart Dale Dykema ran to his car in an attempt to keep more than 1,000 tickets for himself. An angry, hope-filled mob quickly attacked the old man and brought him to his knees in a flurry of Obama tickets and at least thirty unused tickets for a Heart show that took place last summer.
"They're stealing me booty!" shouted one OCLegend.Com staffer as he imitated Dykema with a voice that sounded like Mr. Krabs on Spongebob Squarepants. Several of us stood and watched the performance near the OCLegend.Com breakroom/bathroom combo, seemingly transfixed by the drama simply because most of us can't afford cable. "Not me precious tickets! Not me precious tickets!" he screamed as he fell to his knees and rolled around on the carpet.
Many who waited for hours in the dark claimed that the giveaway was poorly organized. "I got here at about 11:30pm on Monday," said one kid wearing something that looked like a tablecloth that had been intentionally crafted into a poncho. "When they finally opened the gates, it was complete chaos, man. Many of these clowns rushed ahead of people like me who had been waiting in line all night long. I haven't seen a stampede like that since, since...well, since these derelicts here at the fair drove a herd of cattle through the streets of Costa Mesa. Remember that? There was that little kid who got gored that we never read about in the newspaper? That was some crazy [expletive], man. And I like animals."
Others showed up to protest the event. Richard Major of Fountain Valley is an unemployed telemarketer who drove to the fairgrounds because he was desperate to annoy someone. "I have a problem with this event," he said as he held up a sign that read I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS EVENT. "In my opinion, I feel that it is inappropriate for President Obama to speak here in the Miller Lite-AIG Ampitheater. For heaven's sake, the man just gave billions of dollars to AIG. This is two-faced corruption at its finest.
"I mean, of course, since Bush left office."
Our reporter spoke to Major for several minutes out of a general sense of pity. When he mentioned that he was getting thirsty, our reporter offered him a Miller Lite. "I'd sooner slurp reclaimed water out of the gutter," he said.
Despite being snaked by obnoxious Obama fans and a flock of well connected Democrats, many people are still thrilled to have the opportunity to hear President Obama speak. "It's history in the making," said one woman clutching a pair of tickets as she left the fairgrounds to seek medical attention for the bleeding gash on her forehead.
"The last time he came to Orange County, I had to pay Rick Warren thousands of dollars just to get into the building!"
+++ |
|
FIFTEEN IS MY LIMIT ON SCHNITZENGRUBEN: "I've never been this close to a real politician before," said one giddy Republican upon being shoved into frame with the man that Rush Limbaugh hates. She then negotiated a peck on the cheek in exchange for a pack of KOOL menthols. |
|
OC Democrats, Republicans Court Octomom
Parties arrive in La Habra with flowers, candy
LA HABRA--In an embarrassing bid to outbreed the competition, Orange County Democrats and Republicans have sought to woo Nadya Suleman, the baby-dropping mess who is bound to breathe new life into this crappy website for years to come. Representatives from both parties admit that the unusual circumstances have, for the first time, given them a legitimate reason to visit La Habra.
Suleman, as Orange County's newest high profile resident, is now reviewing proposals submitted by both parties to lease office space in her cavernous uterus for voter outreach activities. Many political observers have decried the move, but only because they have yet to see for themselves just how many cameras are outside this nutty broad's house.
"I've never seen anything like this!" shouted an aide to Anaheim Mayor Curt Pringle as she jumped inside the TMZ bouncy house. "The street performers, the protestors, the entire Burning
Man-like atmosphere...this is the kind of wholesome, family entertainment that we aim to bring to Anaheim. No offense to the wonderful people of La Habra, but we feel that Anaheim is better suited to accomodate the Sulemans. Should she decide to have more children in the future, for example, we can deliver Ty Pennington and an army of volunteers to any Anaheim driveway for a major, heartwarming rebuild in just a few hours. What other city in OC can make that claim?"
Our reporter had to nod in agreement as he took another bite of his churro.
All of the media is attracting more than just political dirtbags. According to her publicists, Octomom's latest lucrative endorsement deal comes from Kaiser Permanente, the for-profit hospital chain that delivered her last eight children. According to company represenatives, they plan to feature Suleman in one of their cheesy "Thrive" commercials. Which is funny, because most of us feel that thriving is entirely possible if we can stay out of Kaiser Permanente hospitals.
"This is ridiculous," said one of the eight babies as he watched an elephant defecate in his front yard. "Don't you people think that we have enough problems already? Here I am at home, minding my own business, and you people are making a mockery out of everything that--"
The elephant handler interrupted the baby and slipped him a $100 bill.
"That's better," said the baby as he tucked the bill into his diaper. "I've told you boys to let these animals do their business at the park down the street."
Not everyone believes that snuggling up to Octomom is a wise political move. "I understand that the political parties are attracted by all of the hype, but this is a person who is largely disliked by the general public." Carlin Quest, a political science professor at California State University, Fullerton, believes the political parties have ingested too much meconium. "Are these the kind of family values that the Republican party wants to endorse? Do Democrats really want to be associated with someone who has such a callous disregard for people who are being denied legitimate medical needs?"
Professor Quest continued to speak, but our reporter couldn't hear him over the calliope.
"What the hell is a 'calliope' anyway?" OCLegend.Com CEO Joe Porterhouse walked in late on those of us writing this story. "If I don't know what a calliope is, what makes you think that the average person will know what it is? Look, you doorknobs, we're trying to make a comeback in an economy where only the connected survive. Stepping on the toes of Democrats and Republicans is not something we want to do in this political climate."
There was a really long pause as we all stood around and looked at each other.
"Holy crap, would you guys lighten up?! I'm just pulling your umbilical cords! It's good to be back, isn't it?! Give me a hug, you crazy mother [expletives]!"
+++ | |
OCLegend.Com Opinion
The Red, White & Blue
by Pete Fundy
OCLegend.Com Editorial Staff
Is Pete Fundy glad to be back? You bet your dirty Sanchez, I am.
In case you've been living in a cave, OCLegend.Com has been MIA for quite some time now. Granted, some of you LIBERALS will consider this a blessing. Many conservatives, on the other hand, are undoubtedly ready to hit the books once again at Fundy University.
This is not to say that conservatives are in need of any education beyond what they already have. It's the LIBERALS that are the ignorant ones here.
The last time that my words graced this site, George W. Bush was at the helm. Now, of course, we have a new president and an economy that is in the toilet. Coincidence?
Pete Fundy does not like to gloat. But, on the other hand, we can't let Ann Coulter have all of the fun, can we? If anything, watered down personalities like Coulter are proof that the conservative movement is hungry for something more than the intellectual equivalent of a snack, particularly one served by a woman who apparently can't keep a man to save her life.
Yes, yes, we had our problems under the Bush administration. Pete Fundy is not going to lie. But, what you LIBERALS fail to admit is that when Bush shoveled money into the fiery corporate furnace, we usually got something tangible in return. Say what you will about Halliburton, but they've provided the people of this great nation a hell of a lot more for their money than the stuffed shirts at AIG.
Am I right? Of course I am.
Pete Fundy looks forward to the coming years of you LIBERALS pretending that you're going to change things for the better. Whenever you get a little too cocky, rest assured that I'll be there to push your hairy nose back into the slop. Above all, you should have someone to remind you that you are not special just because you're a little younger than the seniors you beat in the last election.
Your attempts to have conservatives sit at the back of the bus, I'm sorry to say, will not be successful. I'm Pete Fundy.
+++ |
|
