Myself

"The black and white of the cow illustrates the forces of good and evil contained within."

"It all makes sense if you don't think about it."

"The possibilities are endless! Well, actually, no, the possibilities are binary. But still."

"He's moving toward the ice cream. Wait, he's deviating from the course. 'Oooh, shiney.' Daniel, no! Cookies aren't supposed to be shiney!"

"Sherlock Holmes: pop culture so obsolete, it's classic!"

"Our new shelves shall runneth down the walls like a waterfall / flowing down from penn3."

"You wouldn't steal a car. But what if you were being pursued by gunmen? What then? Would you pirate a movie if you were being pursued by gunmen?"

"Under any other circumstances, I might have contemplated the brushing of my teeth with this [tube of toothpaste], but now I saw it’s true potential as a blessed +3 weapon of cockroach destruction."

"Some people might say ninjas don't care about socks. Those people... would be wrong."

"The orange! It is not sharp enough."

"Your new GPS can transport you to exotic locales. For instance, right now it thinks you're in downtown Italy."

Friends

James: I'll put up a new profile picture when I get my sword.
Elizabeth: I love how you think.

James: ...Todd the T1000 scares me. I don't think he knows I have a right to exist.
Elizabeth: I hope you know none of it makes any grammatical sense

Elizabeth: Now that I'm back down to earth, you should attack Tyrell. It would be fun.

"We use all of the buffalo." - Alex A

"Behold: Perfection!" - Ben N
"The quality of perfection has diminished drastically in recent years..." -Me
"Shut up! Perfection is overrated" - Ben

"Sleep in class. It shows initiative." - Prof Knouse

Other

"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire.
"Bull! Witty sayings are the very essence of wisdom, and I should know." - Oscar Wilde

"I never was interested in politics. I'm quite unable to work up any kind of belligerent feeling. Just as I'm about to feel belligerent about some country I meet a decent sort of chap. We go out together and lose any fighting thoughts or feelings." - P. G. Wodehouse

"In the days before the war I had always been modestly proud of being an Englishman, but now that I have been some months resident in this bin or repository of Englishmen I am not so sure. ... The only concession I want from Germany is that she gives me a loaf of bread, tells the gentlemen with muskets at the main gate to look the other way, and leaves the rest to me. In return I am prepared to hand over India, an autographed set of my books, and to reveal the secret process of cooking sliced potatoes on a radiator. This offer holds good till Wednesday week." -P. G. Wodehouse, from a German prison.

“Condemning C because of its poor string support is like condemning a Ford Focus because of its poor ability to cruise at 35,000 feet.” - Patrick Thomson

Scripture

Acts 26:24, "...You're out of you mind, Paul! Too much study is driving you mad!"