Okay, this is going to be very personal. I'm in one of these moments where things seems to be going fine and when I least expect it, it hits me hard like I'm getting knocked out by a boxer......No, worse than that. I feel like I'm driving a car and I get hit by a truck going 90 miles per hour.

What am I talking about? My self-esteem level. I usually keep this bottled inside. No matter what I say at this point, it is not important to you. If it was about how many girls I been with, you be all up on this blog taking it to number 1 one myspace. I don't care about being on top of myspace. I don't care what you want me to be. It's what I want to get off of my chest.

I felt a feel good moment where my first love is back in my life. I felt the surge of confidence that came over me. I've graduated college and I had done it because of her. I was feeling confident that I was going to get a career that is worth more than this dumb job of mine where I live paycheck to paycheck. Just when I was feeling very happy about my life, it's changed for the worse and I'm tired of it all.

My family continue to bother the hell out of me. It's at a point when I wanna draw the line. They argue just about everything including stupid stuff that is a non-issue. I would like to play Disturbed's new album once more to drown out the nonsense. There is reason's why I be outside the house a lot. My family is the reason why i wanna spend all day away from them.

My love is going to college next weekend. It sucks that she back in my life and we are back together only to realize she is going to be far north and she is going to be there until turkey time and then christmas. It's a big hit to me because she meant a lot to me when we was in junior high school and we broke up once before and there is fears I may lose her again. Self-confidence has took a hit but I have to remember that she is doing this to get a college degree.

I'm sick and tired of wearing suits and ties to job interviews and not getting the results of a long search for a better life. I did all I can do at this point trying to be somebody better. All I get get is emails and phone calls saying "We feel like you do not fit our needs of somebody we are looking to hire." That's discouraging.to me and not only that, my current job is being very racist and as much as I want to lose my cool and say what is on my mind. I'm trying to keep my head up but for how long can I do it?

My confidence has taken blow after blow and it has came back from being down. Now, it feels like it's on life support after going through the toughest 6 months of my life. I really hate to pull the plug on it but somehow, I can only hope things turn around quick. I'm in a time of uncertainty. I want things to be solved. I just need some answers. I don't want things to get worse. Things could only get better from here on out.