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To quote Ross Perot (another candidate that had a few bolts loose),
“War has rules, mud wrestling has rules – politics has no rules.”
I see that some of the candidates are joining forces together. To them I say, Eagles do not flock. They fly alone. And when they are alone, they pull stuff out of the trash. No wait… they don’t pull stuff out of the trash. And neither do I!!! Mostly not.
It is also no surprise that some of my indiscretions have come to light, so I would like to address these points directly.
- Yes, I pooped on the greenbelt in my subdivision. I know some are aghast at this, but who can argue that, when you gotta go, you gotta go? Surely, American doggidom can realize this was not imprudent so much as it was my manifesting a completely green, natural and organic process of fertilizing the grass!
- Yes, I’ve been photographed with alcoholic beverages, but I tell you, I did not inhale! Er… drink, I mean! To my opponents who would say otherwise, I say… prove it! (hic!)
- Yes, I’ve chewed on things. I’m not proud of this… shoes. Socks. Furniture. Bottles of bitter apple spray. But I have sought help and I am on a short leash indeed. Those days are behind me mostly and I won’t put many teeth marks on stuff in the Oval Office.
- Yes, others have indicated I have had tawdry affairs with a Miss Daisy Dog. To that I say, “I gots nothin' down there! Nothin’! One day they was there, I go to the vet and go to sleep, and suddenly they is gone! I got no groceries in my bag so how can I fix a meal?” If elected, I will get to the bottom of this outrage and bring the fiends to justice!
Miss Daisy Dog could not be reached for comment.
This announcement brought to you by Americans For Cake Foundation.
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Scandal Emerges!!!
One of the candidates is caught at a seedy establishment!
Who could it be?
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Murphy Dog Campaign HQ would like to address these paparazzi pictures before they emerge in the press in some falsified way. Murphy comments, directly from the doggy's mouth.
Just Friends. Nothing to see here. Move along.
Here, Daisy just fell and I tripped. That's all.
What? It was just a... backrub. She was a little sore from our walkies. A backrub. Sure.
Uh ho. Would you believe that the duck had just broke up with her boyfriend and needed a hug? Sure. That's the ticket.
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Campaign Trail Romance Rumors
When asked to comment on the public romance that has emerged between some candidates, Murphy simply said, "Jane Austen. Meh."
He then reached for the clicker and turned on a Simpsons rerun. Murphy could not be reached for further comment.
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