Despite dropping the first game (5-3), White battled back to take two straight wins and series. The first game was all Black. Garret Guiles got the scoring started after a last minute wavier claim by Black threw the White team’s Defense into disarray. Guiles blew by Mecham, who fellow defender Carso claimed had been enjoying repetition after repetition of manual sexual gratification for the entire day, which is why he had no jump, and blasted a shot past rookie call up, Bergman, who was replacing a tired Joey, Jerry, Gerry, Genie Reich. The White woes continued as Black scored 3 more goals probably by some little college guy jerk. White finally answered as Morcone fooled Flipper and buried White’s only score for the game. Seconds later Metlise closed the game out with goalmouth follow up.  

 

In Games 2 and 3 Coach Tilch was expecting more of the same. “It just didn’t look like our night. I had to move Carso back to defense because Wade's shifts were too long and he needed ice time. Guiles had to slide back as well after My Chemical Romance, Danny Cullen, and his Chuck Taylor ice skates were lost to the Black team. The team was totally F#*ked.” Steady forward Dizz settled Tilch down by telling him to “Be the Ball and Be positive”.  Tilch responded, “Ok I’m calm, but if you f*#king mother f*#kers don’t start picking it up you’re all going to Flipper’s show on Thursday at the State Theater in Arlington tickets available for $10 doors open at 7."  It didn't help that Tilch hit at least 2 crossbars and a post during Games 2 & 3.  "I didn't even need my hearing aids to pick up the 'clank'", said DiNardo.

 

White came out flying and mostly due to Morcone. Streaking down the ice like a low rent Guy Lafleur; his sliver hair gently tussled in the breeze. Morcone would score 4 goals in the next 2 games completely making DiNardo jealous. The highlight of Morcone's night was when he split the Black defense of Kaltenmark and Melitse, squeezing through the opening and then roofing the puck ala Stevie Y vs. the Blues back in the mid 90's.  When asked about his performance Morcone answered, “Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.” Black made a game of it by pulling to within one of White before Guiles the Elder, buried the game winner with a grandpa dipsy doo toe drag flip shot over the tackled goaltender. This broke Black’s spirit and Coach Miller was unable to rally the troops.

 

In his post game remarks Miller said, “I really think no team is capable of winning a series with Skillman in the lineup. We proved that once again here tonight. It’s not that Tilch drafts huge, drunk, old, ugly, and Wade but he never has to take Skillman.”

 

Hello,

How about that ride in? I guess that’s why they call it the Dulles Toll Road (hahaha)

And 6 months ago, when DLowe introduced me to Flip and Paddy Cullen. I thought…wait a second, could it be. And now I know for sure, I just added 2 more guys to my wolf pack. 4 of us wolves running around the together, in Virginia looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, we make a toast!

 

New Draft for next week. Puck drops at 9:45pm at Kettler IcePlex.

By: Willie Tanner

Potomac Hockey Club Beat Reporter for the Washington Post

 

White quickly answered with a goal mouth stuff by overly tan Tippett. He slid from one side of the net to the other on a streak of Banana Boat SPF 8 to beat Flipper. Tippett commented after the game, “Just tan Stewie being tan Stewie.” The game remained even until Mecham broke free and unleashed a blast that burned Flipper’s thighs. Mecham, who some say is the illegitimate offspring of Chuck Norris, wasn’t born but rather put his little 15 lb. baby shoulder down and ran through the womb into this world. Tilch remarked, “You don’t draft Mecham, you just hope he lets you play on his team.” Black would answer with a goal from Metlise. Metlise fired home his own rebound and rallied Black as they scored seconds later to take the lead. White looking for some leadership needed to look no further than Morcone. In a bold move, Morcone jumped the wall and became the 6^th attacker on the ice. After the game, he was asked about his decision, “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, Hell No! And it ain’t over now.” Befuddled, the press withdrew their line of questioning.

 

This seemed to spark the White team; Tippett scored his second of the night. A few shifts later, Tilch went down with an injury.  Tippet expressed some concern on the bench asking Guiles what happen. Guiles replied, “He tore his labia.” Tippet responded, “What’s that.” Guiles answered, “His leg, he hurt his leg.” Guiles was quoted in his post game press conference, “The only thing Tilch hurt was his ego; I thought he was going to the dressing room to take a quick peek in the mirror and maybe re-gel his hair. It never occurred to me that he might actually be injured.” Tippet went on to win game 1 for White with his 3^rd goal of the game. “It was a tough 5-4 win, but I learned a lot. I hope Tilch’s leg is better by next week.” Tippett remarked.

 

Game 2 ended 4-3 in favor of Black, who was unable to score the game clincher. Skillman scored a mediocre breakaway goal to give Black the lead. In typical Skillman fashion, he spread the legs and opted to slip it in the 5-hole. In his post game press conference, he wasn’t asked about it. Carso and Guiles shut down the duo of Lenz and Cullen for the rest of the night and Black’s best chance for the win came on a controversial play that was called back due to a two line passing play. White took game 2 and a commanding series lead. Tilch commented, “The fact that we pulled it out and DiNardo and Wade were held pointless is a testament to the amount of turnovers that Skillman makes every game. I think DiNardo and Wade have been reading their press and partying too much and it showed tonight. They are pros so I expect them to handle their booze and put up points.” DiNardo is the all-time leading scorer in MNHL for right wingers with a mustache.

 

In game two, the Black Team woke up and took a commanding 4-0 lead and looked like they would even the series until DiNardo, Wade, and Morcone took over. “Maybe they didn’t panic because they’re veteran players or maybe senility set in and they didn’t know what the score was, Tilch said, but they were wearing gold plated diapers out there.” Morcone jump started the offense with an end to end rush leading to a Wade goalmouth stuff.  Immediately after the face off Wade carried the puck into Black’s zone and blasted a shot past a confused and possible drunk Flipper.  Coach Miller elaborated, “Dude.”  White continued to carry the play as Carso dished the puck to a wide open DiNardo to make the score 4-3.  Black defenseman, Skillman was visible in the defensive zone but working on his pivots.  Morcone provided the equalizer on a controversial goal in the crease.  Carso and Black goaltender, Flipper verbally butchered each other as Morcone danced through the crease.  White completed the comeback when Mr. Monday Night, Dave DiNardo, buried his third goal of the game for the win. The resulting celebration by Dave sent Danny Cullen to the White Dressing room to vomit, or shoot up with Andro, either way, his game improved after the 'visit'.  When asked about the comeback and the play of his veterans, Tilch explained, “I put CIALIS in their water bottles, I’m surprised they didn’t faint. The best thing is I didn’t have to buy it, I found it in Skillman’s bag.  I hope it wears off before they pole vault themselves out of bed tonight.”

 

Game Three was more of the same.  Awful play from Skillman, DLowe turning green…oh you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry, and Scotty Miller getting run over. White took the game 5-4 and completed the sweep.  The turning point of the game came as Skillman turned the puck over for the 57^th time in the game and Mecham dropped the hammer on a shot from the slot.  Later, team captain Miller was caught in the middle of the ice by a shin pad on helmet hit, which golf balled his head off the ice.  The hit resulted in a gash in his arm.  He hadn’t been injured that badly since he fell out of a shopping cart that he was surfing downhill while filming the original Jackass Movie.

 

In his post game press conference Miller commented, “We came up short, short on goals, short on offense, short on defense, short of our goal of playing a complete game.  We just didn’t measure up.  We couldn't reach the top shelf on Jerry.  We were dwarfed by the momentum of that second game.  We just gave to little an effort tonight.”

 

The rink was a buzz with U-16 Little Cap hopefuls, who just finished tryouts and wanted to know, “Who the F8ck are these old dudes and is that Steve Morcone, the Potomac Pistol.” Yes it is, and tonight Coach Tilch was expecting the usual from Morcone…nothing. “If he didn’t look so good in those sweats, he’d never be drafted”, Tilch added. Black coach, Robb Skillman, (I mean Black team coach, not that Skillman is black, not that there would be anything wrong with that) was asked his thoughts, “You know guy, its sad. Bea Arthur was pretty flexible for an 86 year old, but now stiff as a board.”

 

Game one started pretty even, White and Black both exchanging goals in the first few minutes. White goaltender, Flipper, who is up for the Swine Flu Award this season, kept Black in the game. His unorthodox style features a gaping 5-hole and lazy glove hand, which have set goaltending back decades in the process.  Despite White’s brown star goalie, Black was unable to capitalize and White took the game 5-3 on the strength of goals by DLowe, who stopped bitching at Metlise long enough to tap in a pass from Tilch, Steve Torre, who finally converted 1 of his 43 breakaways, and an end over end fluttering snipe from the goal crease by Guiles.

 

Game two was all Black as they jumped out to an early lead 4-1, but they were unable to find the net to finish the job. Scotty Miller commented after the game, “I mean ya man, ya know, its life and the waves are killer sometimes.” The lone goal by White was scored by Carso, who has been without AC in his apartment since last Friday. “He smells like a bucket of AIDS Slurry, Tilch remarked, but we couldn’t have won the series without him.” Local loan shark, Flip Collins, said (in reference to Black Captain Skillman), “All I'm saying is I wasn’t even in that bar and I loaned him a banana, never gonna see that again.”

By Willie Tanner

Potomac Hockey Club Beat Reporter for The Washington Post

 

In a lightly attended event, Black and White skated to a draw, but Black won on total goals. The game had the feel of a geriatric jello-wrestling match in a dumpster full of hot garbage that you had to watch hung-over. Black jumped all over White in the first game (5-0 on 4 shots). White Captain, Paul Tilch, fresh off his absence last week was terrible all night and should have stayed home. “I sucked again, couldn’t score, can’t pass, just all around Criss-Crossed and lost. Despite Tilch, White won the second game (5-3). Savvy Veteran, Dave DiNardo scored the game winner then did the bull dance back to the bench. Black took the next game (5-3) on the small shoulders of George Melitse, whose name is long and hard to say. Melitse and his counter-part Miller pestered the White defenseman relentlessly and embarrassed DLowe. Game 4 went to White (5-2), as rugged winger; Andy Currie scored 3 goals in the victory but whatever.

 

The series is now tied 2-2 and next week’s game is once again in the primetime slot, 9pm. You can catch all the MNHL a.k.a. DiNardo Super League, action on the Lifetime right after Golden Girls. It’s gonna be a good episode because Blanche is probably gonna bang some old dude out and then tell us about it. How many of the 4 Golden Girls would Skillman take down in his pre-game rituals? Also, if ALF was real would they hang out and pick up babes or is ALF to cool for Skillman?

 

White wins Game 2 (5-1, 5-2, and 4-3). “I don’t know what happened out there tonight, I just couldn’t find a way out of the dressing room, said David Fitzpatrick, who was held scoreless. Despite missing a couple key players, George “Spinarama Mama” Metlise was encouraged when Black jumped to an early 1-0 lead. Coach Skillman commented, “You gotta love players like Miller and Metlise, I mean they play with the hearts of full-sized human men.” But Black’s joy would be short lived as White came roaring back and dominated play for the next few minutes scoring 3 quick goals.

 

“After that first goal against I was worried that Flipper wasn’t drunk enough to play, but then I remembered that Tim Cheveldae (Jerry) was in the other net and he can be vomit inducing bad sometimes and I knew we’d be ok.” Tilch commented.

 

Once again the White team was steadied by the play of their defense, Lowe and Mecham added some quick puck movement and offensive punch. Allard (whose skating resembled a Flamingo trying to shake shit off its foot) and Morcone (who hadn’t scored a goal since electricity was invented) would also line up in the defensive position at the start of play.

 

Strong games up front from Andy Currie and Ryan Goeller provided most of the offense for White, as the Carso/Tilch/Guiles line played like a bag of used a-holes all night. “I mean those guys (Guiles and Tilch) have a little talent, but when are they gonna learn to get me the puck,” Dave DiNardo remarked. “And that Carso kid, don’t get me started on him.”

 

Black heads into the break down 2 games to zero, the series will resume on April 13^th. Coach Skillman said in his post game press conference. “We need the break, we’ve been holding on too tight. I’m looking to spend some time hunting the Easter Bunny because I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.”