Things I Hate About...

Part 2- About women

10- Taste in Movies

So, you decide to take your girl out to a movie. Being the nice guy you are, you ask her to pick. Does she pick the latest Hollywood block-buster, starring some young stud and beautiful actress running half-naked through the trenches of Normandy? Nope, she picks the "Independent Film" put out by a "Fledgling Studio" starring "Hollywood's Young Blood". So you spend the next 4 hours of your life wondering what the hell you are watching, because the audio is in Aramaic, the subtitles in French, and everyone in it has a Spanish accent.

Ladies here's a clue. Hollywood doesn't speak English. They speak a language all of their own, that only superficially resembles English. Luckily for you, I am fluent in "Controlled Spin-ese", so let me translate something for you:

"Independent Film" - This means the movie probably sucks, right off the bat. Because let's be honest, if you were a screenwriter, and 20th Century Fox offered to finance your film, wouldn't you go for it? Note that these films don't have "20th Century Fox" and their name ever in the same sentence, unless it's, "The screenplay 20th Century Fox rejected, because it stank like rotting cabbage left out in the sun, on top of a corpse, in Death Valley, in June."

So instead, the writers had to go to some rinky-dink New Jersey based company, to borrow the $3,000 dollars it took to make the movie. You can usually tell who these companies are, because they have 6 hyphens in their name, and they usually are based in New Jersey. So the next time you see, "A Castle-Stone-Borscht-Schmegma-Luigi Production" scroll across during the credits, leave now. Save yourself some time.

9-Phone Conversations

This is one of the things I love about being a man. I call up a male friend, and the conversation consists of: one (1) "Hey dude, wanna come over for a brew?"; one (1) "Sure dude, be right over."; and one (1) "Aight." Women take longer on the phone than most people took learning to read. God help the man who needs to call someone when his lady is on the phone. Judging by all the female calls I have ever overheard, I think most female conversations consist entirely of:
Becky: "Yeah"
Cindy: "Uh-huh"
Becky: "Yeah"
Cindy: "OK"
Becky: "Uh-huh"
Cindy: "Yeah"
Becky: "Yeah"
Cindy: "Sure"
Becky: "Yeah"

Because that is all I have heard women say on the phone to each other. I think it is a conspiracy, to aggravate men, and make us wonder what the hell they are talking about. Women: If it takes more than 15 seconds to figure it out, you either: need to seek a professional's opinion, or talk about it in person.

8-Answering Questions

Women answer questions about as well as Joe Torre in a press conference after a 14 game slump. And I'm not talking in regards to tough questions like, "Seattle is playing the Yankees, and Anna Kournikova is doing her special presentation of "Girls Gone Wild" on HBO. What to watch?" I mean questions like how was your day. Here's a clue, if someone asks you how your day was, unless they love you, you tell them, "Good." Even when someone you love asks, if you had a bad day, tell them it was a bad day. If they want to know why your day was bad, typically they will ask you. Consider this comparison between a men's conversation, and a conversation between a man and a woman:
Dude 1: "So how was your day?"
Dude 2: "Lousy."
Dude 1: "How come?"
Dude 2: "I asked my wife how her day was."
Dude 1: "Bummer." Dude 2: "Totally."

You: "So how was your day?" Her:"OhMyGodSallyworethecutestdresstodayyoushouldhaveseenit.Itwasalittle onewithlavenderbunniesand she had the CUUUUUUUUTEST sandals on with it..."
You: (Eyes glaze over) 27 Minutes pass
Her: "...and then I came home"
You: "So....how was your day?"
Her: "Oh today? It was alright."

7- Getting Dressed

Once again, I compare women to men. Say I'm at a buddies' house, and we decide to go somewhere.
Me: "Dude, I'm starving. Let's go get something to eat"
Buddy: "Aight."

He could be wearing his pajamas, not have any contacts in, and need a shave; and ladies, I shit you not, 15 minutes later our happy asses would be parked in the drive through, unless of course, Sportscenter was on.

I always tell women I want to go somewhere an hour before we leave, that way we'll leave about when I wanted to originally. Because they have to, "Make themselves look nice." Look lady, we're going to the market, and then maybe to the video store. I think the paparazzi are on lunch break, so if we hurry, just this once, you'll be ok going out without makeup.

6- Shopping

I can go into a store, and come out within 5 minutes, with everything I needed, nothing I don't, and usually some change. Going to a store with a woman is about as fun as having Ray Charles perform your root canal, with the Spice Girls on the muzak, and no Novocain.

Woman in a store behave like small children at the zoo. Men, next time you go to the store, look around. See that lady with 17 blouses in one hand, a credit card in the other, and a maniacal look of glee in here eye? Somewhere in the store, is a husband/boyfriend wondering where the hell she went, and why, if, "All we need is a gallon of milk", he has been there for 6 hours.

Though it may come as a surprise ladies, we really can think of a few things we'd like to do than watch you try on the exact same shirt in 23 different shades of green.

5- Driving

When I was growing up, I remember my dad driving us everywhere. I never really understood why my dad did all of the driving, until I rode with a woman. Here's a few pointers, ladies:

The lever on the left of the steering column is called your "turn signal arm". You use it when you are going to make a turn, or change lanes. Even if you use your turn signal, quit turning left from the middle lane. The shortest distance between to points is a straight line. Unless there is a mall along that straight line, even if you have to drive 40 blocks out of your way, avoid going past a mall. Or god forbid, we'll have to go in for "A gallon of milk."

4- Comparison to other Females

Fellas, you know what I'm talking about here. You take her out to someplace nice, everything is going fine, and then BAM! In walks an attractive lady. Or hell, even unattractive woman. The fact of the matter is, if your lady sees another lady enter wherever you are, ebonically speaking, you be fucked.

"Sweetheart, what do you think of her dress?" There is no right answer here. No matter what you say, it will be wrong.

Examples:
You: "I think she looks cute in it."
Her: "What?! You think I wouldn't look cute in it?!
You: "No baby, what I meant was-"
Her: "You hate me, don't you! Well that's it, it's over!" (Throws her drink in your face)

You: "I think she looks horrible, why would she wear that?"
Her: "What?! You think a woman can't express her sexuality in this era of individuality?!"
You: "No baby, what I meant was-"
Her: "You are such a sexist pig! Well that's it, it's over!" (Throws her drink in your face)

3- Cars

Women tend to have an innate inability to diagnose car problems. I don't expect you to know that knocking noise your car has been making for 3 weeks is a bearing going out because you ran the motor out of oil. But it would be nice if you went, "Gee, my car didn't used to make that ugly metal-on-metal grinding noise before. Maybe I should have someone take a look at it."

Ladies, the following is a list of things your car may do which should concern you:
Smoke (from anywhere)
Fire (from anywhere)
Any noise which was not there previously
Lack of ability to stop
Lack of ability to take off
Any change in the height of a corner (the technical term for this is a "Flat Tire")

2- Memory

Ladies with a boyfriend, answer this for me quickly: What was the date, time, and place you guys first held hands? See how you didn't even have to think about it? Yeah that's a problem, mmmmmmmk? Women are like machines created by Bill Wozniak in the day, they do NOT forget. This applies to ANYTHING you tell them. This can be convenient when you are trying to remember, say, how did you get the secret tape on "Downhill Jam" in Tony Hawk 1 (true story, ask Crystal), but completely sucks in an argument.

You: "I think we should spend more time together.
Her: "AHA! On June 27th, 1996, at 3 PM in my living room I said the same thing to you. Nice to see you were listening!
You: "No baby, what I meant was-"
Her: "Don't even try to pretend. I see I'm not important. Well that's it, it's over!" (Throws her drink in your face)

1- Baited Questions

I swear to god, the next girlfriend that asks me "Does this dress make me look fat?” I'm just gonna say yes. Why? Just to save some time. I mean, NO MATTER WHAT I SAY HERE, I will lose. flat out. So, "Yes. You look humongous in that dress!"

Her: "Do I look fat in this dress?"
You: "No sweetie. You look great in that dress!"
Her: "Oh, so I didn't look cute yesterday?!"
You: "No baby, you look exceptionally beautiful today."
Her: "Oh! So looking beautiful is not a common thing for me?!"
You: "No baby, what I meant was-"
(45 minute argument in which your mother, your job, your political views, your SAT scores, the non elliptical orbit of some celestial bodies, and a possible new tax on paintballs is brought up)
Her: "Don't even try to pretend. I see I'm not important. Well that's it, it's over!"
(Throws her drink in your face)
Total elapsed time: 56 minutes
Innings missed: 4
Time it will take to clean the house: 4 hours

Her: "Do I look fat in this dress?"
You: "Yes. You are a fat ass. Want I should call Extreme Makeover?"
(Throws her drink in your face, walks out)
Total elapsed time: 2minutes
Innings missed: 0
Time it will take to clean the house: Who cares?! You're single now!
Total time saved: 4 hours, 52 minutes
Being able to watch those 4 innings: Priceless