An apartment in Bushwick. NICK, a young man, is standing just inside the door. He has just arrived. His jacket is on. CAMERON, a slightly older type, clearly a progressive from the Clinton-era, beckons him to sit down.

 

CAMERON

Come in. Come in.

 

NICK

You look like your picture.

 

CAMERON

So do you. So do you. Sit down. Sit down.

           

Nick sits down on the couch. Cameron smiles at him.

 

Barbara!

 

BARBARA speeds in. She’s wearing a party dress, as if she’s about to go out.

 

BARBARA

Hi! Hi there! Hi. I’ll take your coat.

 

NICK

Hi.

 

BARBARA

C’mon. C’mon.

 

CAMERON

We don’t fuck.

 

BARBARA

I’ll take your coat.

 

NICK

I think I’ll hang onto it.

 

BARBARA

Suit yourself, honey. Have fun bitches!

 

She exits.

 

CAMERON

My wife. She’s going to a party. Sit! Sit!

 

NICK sits down.

 

She’s a vegansexual. She won’t sleep with me because I eat animals and wash with things that are most certainly tested on the eyes of rabbits. I don’t blame her. How could I? I’m revolting!

 

He has a good laugh.

 

Want a drink or anything like that?

 

NICK

Do I get paid now or after?

 

CAMERON

Oh. Boy, I don’t know. Don’t you know?

 

NICK

Yes. I mean…of course I know. I get paid now.

 

CAMERON

Right. Right. Then again, if you get paid now, how am I supposed to be sure you’ll go through with it?

 

NICK

I’m a professional.

 

CAMERON

Tut tut. Liar, liar pants on fire.

 

He smiles.

 

Right?

 

Pause.

 

NICK

I’d love a drink.

 

CAMERON

Sure. Barb!

 

BARBARA (off-stage)

What do you want, you capitalist fucktard?

 

CAMERON

Drinks for two and my bowl, please!

 

BARBARA (off-stage)

In two shakes of a lambs tail!

 

CAMERON

She’ll have it in a trice. She’s been trying to choose shoes all day. No leather for her, you know. It’s against whatever fucking rules she learned on the internet.

 

NICK

Right. Ok. That’s fine.

 

Pause. Cameron sits.

 

CAMERON

So… I’m not really named Richard. I’m Cameron. My wife is Barbara. You are…

 

NICK

Nick.

 

CAMERON

Like it said on Craig’s List?

 

NICK

Yeah.

 

CAMERON

Suit yourself.

 

NICK

I’m really named Nick.

 

CAMERON

Fine, fine. You’re name’s Nick. But mine really is Cameron, and not Richard. And I want you to know, Nick, that I am almost entirely straight most of the time. Or sort of. I don’t really get off on fucking. Or horseplay of that color. If you catch my drift.

 

NICK

Well that was sort of… specified.

 

CAMERON

You’re nervous?

 

NICK

No.

 

Pause.

 

This is just the first time I’ve done this. I’m not nervous though.

 

CAMERON

How recently did you come out?

 

NICK

I never have. I mean, I don’t think I need to. I really don’t know anyone.

 

CAMERON

That’s a shame.

 

NICK

I’m just certain that most people…well… have a lot more fun than I do. They do things. To each other. All the time. I don’t. So…I figured, you’re never too old to start.

 

CAMERON

Holy fuck, you’re not a fucking virgin are you?

 

NICK

No, no, no!

 

CAMERON

Because if you are get the fuck out.

 

NICK

No! I’m not!

 

Enter Barbara with two glasses of whiskey.

 

BARBARA

Whiskey makes the heart grow fonder, no?

 

CAMERON

Nick’s a shitbird virgin.

 

BARBARA

What a disappointment! Nick, you have to leave immediately.

 

NICK

I’m not a virgin. I never said I was. I just said that most people have a lot more fun than I do.

 

CAMERON

So you are not a bare-assed virginal towel-boy?

 

NICK

I…don’t think so.

 

BARBARA

Well that’s a horse of a different color.

 

She puts down the drinks.

 

Be right back with the bowl.

 

Pause.

 

CAMERON

I’m going to take off my shirt while we drink. All right?

 

NICK

I’d like my $300.

 

CAMERON

Right. Right. Shirt off after the money. I’m catching what you’re pitching.

 

He pulls out his check book.

 

NICK

Wait. A check? I can’t take a check.

 

CAMERON

Why? No bank account?

 

NICK

It’s… how can I be sure it’ll go through?

 

CAMERON

Well you know where I live. It’d be pretty stupid of me to write you a bad check.

 

NICK

I’d still… listen….I’d prefer cash.

 

CAMERON

Trust me. It’ll clear. You think I have $300 just lying around the apartment willy nilly? No, no I do not.

 

He writes the check out.

 

What’s your last name?

 

NICK

I’m going to go. Ok?

 

CAMERON

Wait. Wait. Don’t. Don’t go. I’ll get cash. All right? Barb!

 

BARBARA enters with a clear glass bowl. In it is a single hard-boiled egg.

 

BARBARA

I’m here already.

 

CAMERON

Give me $300.

 

BARBARA

You think I just have that sort of cash lying around the apartment willy-nilly? Give him a check.

 

CAMERON

For fuck’s sake, woman. He won’t take a check. He thinks I’m going to swindle him. Give me $300 and then go to your petting party with the other raw foodists.

 

Barbara puts the bowl in front of Nick.

 

BARBARA

I’ll be back in a minute. Tell him to take off his fucking jacket in the meantime. He gives me the quivers and not in a good way.

 

She smiles at Nick and exits.

 

NICK

Well.

 

Pause.

 

That’s a bowl with an egg in it.

 

CAMERON

That it is.

 

NICK

What are we going to do with that?

 

Pause.

 

CAMERON

You don’t act like a rent-boy. If anything, you act like a scout leader doing research for a merit badge.

 

Enter Barbara, with cash.

 

BARBARA

Ok, here’s a wad of bills. I hope you guys have fun. (to Nick) You look like someone just shot you in the dick. Why so glum?

 

She and Cameron kiss.

 

I hope you get off tonight sweet pea. The last time was so traumatizing.

 

She hands Nick the money and exits. Pause. Nick takes off his jacket.

 

CAMERON

You’re not going to count the money in front of me?

 

NICK

No, no.

 

CAMERON

My goodness. Thank you for your kindness. Now, drink up. I’m going to take my shirt off. I’m feeling hot.

 

He starts to remove his shirt, button by button.

 

Let me tell you something, Nick. When I was… I don’t know… eleven years old, I was watching Wild Kingdom on a Sunday night in the living room. I remember I was wearing this long legged pajamas that were red and white swirls, like a barbershop pole.

 

Pause.

 

Anyway…while watching Wild Kingdom at eleven or something like that… I suddenly got the most bizarre sensation. There was a snake eating a rat on the screen. Swallowing it right up. Watching that made my jimmy jump up and take notice.

 

Pause.

 

Didn’t give it much thought at the time. If I could have thought with my grown up brain, in that moment, I would have thought: “Oh no. Through no fault of my own I shall never have a normal relationship, and I will always have sexual feelings that other people view as bizarre.” Didn’t stop me from watching a lot of snakes eating a lot of rats though. You’d be surprised how many ways you can find pictures of that. And other things eating…other things.

 

His shirt is off.

 

Barb used to eat a lot of eggs for me. Then, she decided that it was against her politics. So now I have to hire people. Like you.

 

Pause.

 

To eat an egg for me.

 

NICK

You just want me to eat…this egg?

 

CAMERON

Oh fuck yes I do. I want to see you eat the motherfucking egg.

 

NICK

The one in the bowl?

 

CAMERON

Nick…don’t play my nipples. I’m never going to come that way.

 

NICK

… you’re not going to touch me?

 

CAMERON

No.

 

Pause.

 

What? You’re disappointed? That’s the story of my life, kid. Now… pick up the egg.

 

NICK

Just eat the egg and that’s it?

 

CAMERON

You see how hot I am right now?

 

Pause.

 

Jesus, my wife gave you $300. Now eat the egg and then leave so I can start crying.

 

Pause. Nick reaches down and picks up the egg.

 

Oh yeah. Don’t be in such…a rush.

 

Nick slowly moves the egg up to his lips.

 

Oh fuck. I eat shit. I eat shit. I eat shit.

 

NICK

I don’t…what?

 

CAMERON

Keep going.

 

Nick pauses. Then, with his free hand, he shoots the glass of whiskey. He bites the egg.

 

CAMERON

Christ that’s the stuff. What’s the matter with you, huh? Why so fucking careful? Why are you in such a rush?

 

NICK slowly begins to eat the egg. As he does, CAMERON drinks and talks to himself aloud.

 

I eat shit. I let everyone down. Hell yes. Oh fuck. I let everyone down. I eat shit. That’s it. Almost gone now. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Holy fuck.

 

NICK finishes the egg.

Pause.

 

I’m not done. I’m not fucking done. You went too fast. Eat the invisible egg. Eat the invisible egg.

 

NICK reaches into the empty bowl.

 

That’s it. Fucking hell this is the most pathetic…holy crap. I eat shit. Everyday.

 

NICK ends to pick up an invisible egg and mimes eating it.

 

Holy crap. Holy crap. My balls are made of lead. I wish you were a giant woman. I wish you were my wife. I can’t fuck my leftist commie wife. I wish you were a python. I’m just a baby bird. Swallow! That’s it! Oh fuck.

 

As if to cue that he is finished, CAMERON takes a sort of guttural whine. NICK stops.

There’s a long pause. CAMERON starts to put his shirt on.

           

Please get out of here.

 

NICK

That’s all, then?

 

CAMERON

I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have made you eat a second egg.

 

Pause.

 

You can leave.

 

NICK

It’s ok about your wife. She’s very open. A lot of people wouldn’t be this open mined.

 

CAMERON

I don’t need your…

 

NICK

Really. It’s not your fault.

 

Pause.

 

It’s not your fault.

 

CAMERON

Oh my God.

 

He hurls his head into NICK’s chest as NICK holds him. CAMERON sobs uncontrollably.

 

NICK

There, there. There, there. I know it seems bad. I know it seems hard. But it could be so much worse.

 

Pause.

 

For example. I spent the last year in prison.

 

Enter BARBARA.

 

BARBARA

Hey there.

 

NICK

Already back?

 

BARBARA

What are you, dim?

 

NICK

Ah. No party?

 

BARBARA

Nope. I just wait until I hear my husband cry like a little bitch.

 

CAMERON

(into NICK’s shirt) Shutupshutupshutup.

 

BARBARA

Christ almighty that makes me want to stop wearing panties. Did you eat the invisible egg?

 

NICK

Yeah, I did.

 

BARBARA

Dirty job…but somebody has to do it.

 

NICK

You want to take him then?

 

Pause.

 

BARBARA

No. Not yet.

 

She sits.

 

I’ll just watch for a bit. If you don’t mind.

 

Pause. NICK gives her a look.

 

Fine.

 

She whips out her wallet.

 

How much?

 

END