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Introduction
"The Beauty of God’s Love for Us" No one believes in miracles any more. Well if we do, we don't think they will ever happen to us. Twenty-five years ago, I met death at the door. In 1982, Toledo, Oh, Mercy Hospital, I was lying unconscious in the bed, from being hit by a Head Start school bus; while preparing to cross the street. I was headed toward my home. My mother said I was in the hospital along time. The doctors were waiting on the blood clot in my head to stop clotting. I was the first of my mom's children to live. My mother survived one miscarriage and one death at conception. I was born premature weighing 3lbs and 9ounces. After hearing the alarms going off all over the building and the loss of 2 previous babies my mom thought I was gone too. The doctor came in and confirmed good news. Her baby girl is going to live. Surely, there were numerous things rushing through my mom's mind while, I was lying there unconscious in the hospital. My grandma along with the rest of the family was waiting in the waiting room praying. The doctor went and reported to the family that there was nothing more that they could do, she is going to die. The family prayed. The doctor came back with good news. He said, "I never seen anything like this in my life, it had to be God." The blood clot stopped only moments which would have been seconds from exploding my brain. It was God, He worked a miracle. I am that living miracle. Today, God still works miracles. So, believe it, it could be you. Don't give up hope. God says it in His word that "If you have but the faith as a grain of a mustard seed, you could move mountains." (Matt 17:20) Now that I am alive, what is left for me to do here? At the age of three I became curious about Jesus during a sermon held at Bible Temple while visiting with my grandmother. I thought…. Is He real? Santa Claus is not real. The Tooth fairy is not real. The Easter Bunny is not real. For the first time in my life I witnessed people jumping and shouting. I did understand what I was witnessing then but it became more and more clear later. Curiosity killed the cat. Instead of death for that noisy cat, God says what you shall seek you shall find. I sought to look for Jesus and I surely did find Him. It has been one of the best finds ever since. We must realize that all of our gifts and talents are not of our own but from God, Jesus Christ. The more gifts and talents given the more God expects of you. Blessing come when you use the talents and gifts that God gives you. When God sees that you are willing to use talents given you He will supply you with more. What you don't use, it is for certain, that you will surely lose. My first gift was teaching. I was six years old; and my mother was trying to teach my brother his Alphabet’s and experienced great difficulty with doing so. My mom came to me and said calmly, “Why you don’t teach your brother his ABC’s?” I responded “Okay, I will.” He was 4 years old and I was 6 1/2 years old at the time. We were sitting on the hallway steps of our two story duplex where I begin singing my ABC’s. My brothers’ name is Jersey. I said “Come on, Jersey sing with me.” After 3 or 4 tries he was singing along with me. I was so excited that I ran to my mom and said, “Mom! Mom! Jersey, knows his ABC’s.” My mother was so proud of me that she told everyone. After discovering that I could teach my brother his ABC’s, I felt that I could teach any and everything. I begin teaching my brother to read and to write. My second gift was to be used for singing. I remember being seven years old in music class at Fulton Elementary School. Our teacher Mrs. Irving would put on records every class period and we would sing along. After singing along she would play the song on the piano. She would end each song with a familiar tune. I was not sure if the song was written that way or if she had made it up. In the back of my mind I kept telling myself everyone could not have wrote the same ending to their song. This has to be her specialty. On one particular day during music class the same things occurred but there was one slight change. While singing in class, I heard my voice for the first time. I tried singing again and I heard myself once again. I could not believe my ears. I said with a loud burst of excitement, “I can sing”. My teacher smiled. I was so happy and as today I made vow to myself to sing for the rest of my life. My third gift was writing. I ban writing at the age of 8. I started out writing short fictional tales and poems. My first story was titled “The Boy who lived in a jungle and moved to the city.” The story was quite interesting. The young boys father had got eaten by a bear on his way to hunt for food one morning. Jimmy was the name of the little boy. His mother wanted to move to the city because they wanted to live like normal people. When they moved to the city they discovered that the world is as much of a jungle as where they lived before. My first poem was titled “Blue.” I just talked about everything that I could describe as being blue. The point was that it is a color and it makes some people happy and it can make some people sad. At 8, I even started writing my own lyrics and gave them a melody. My first song is titled, “Nobody Loves Me.” This song was inspired by me feeling the pain that I thought my teddy bear would have felt if it had been me. One special thing about my teddy bear is that she had eyes that spin like marbles. Her name was Kiki Koala and she was orange. I loved that bear. I had that bear 15 years. This song was written for her. One particular day, my brother was making jokes and laughing. I just started crying. This is how the song originated. Nobody Loves Me Nobody loves me, nobody loves me It is true Nobody loves me but you. Nobody loves me, nobody loves me Nobody loves me when the sky is blue. Nobody loves me when the grass is green. Nobody loves me when I sit beneath the trees. When I die no one will miss me Because…… Nobody loves me, nobody loves me It is true Nobody loves me but you. Nobody loves me, nobody loves me There is no me only you. Psychology teaches us that the way our parents were as parents, this is how their offspring will likely turn out to be. I plan to work hard to be all that I can be. As long as there is breathe in my body, I will be seeking to find a better life. Negativity is a sin Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength” NKJV -Self- Chapter 1 Loves More than a Word Exodus 20:6 This is where I am supposed to talk about all of my life experiences. Church is a place where you go to find relief. It's also a place where you find pain and sorrow. “One faith, one Lord, and One baptism” There are so many different beliefs. Everyone plans to end up in the same place. (Eph. 4:5) If we can have many beliefs there must be more than One God. The God I serve does not change. (Mal. 3:6) My God does not make a law that is okay for some but not for all. God can't discriminate. All God sees is us, a people that need Him more than ever. We have been beaten down by evil spirits daily; because we choose not to surrender. Why not let go of it all and stop worrying about whose wrong and who's right and stand together as a united family and follow the dominant commandment to love. Have you ever heard of the expression, "Let go and let God" “Love, Love, Love” (Matt 15: 10-17) If you are willing to follow these commands you would be even more willing to obey the 10 commandments (The Law). (John 14:5) (Joshua 22:5) “In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God and the word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by Him, and without Him was not anything made that was made. In Him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shined in darkness and the darkness comprehended it not” (John 1:1-5) that light is Jesus. He is the Boss. He makes the rules. His law is just. We are not forced to obey. He didn’t have to create us. We don’t belong to ourselves. We belong to God our creator. We were created in many different shapes, shades and sizes and we were created for His glory. Just like we do when we decorate our apartments, we want people that we love to come over and leave with great things to say about us and our home. Some people don't care which is sad. If you don't love yourself enough to bathe or clean your house, what could we expect your love for us to be? This is how the evil one is he does not care about us; therefore, we can only imagine that he has a disgusting home. This is not giving props to the clean home in a literal sense; because the clean house represents the heart. You have been wonderfully made. There is no one that ever lived that is like you. Nope not even your twin. Know what else is so cool? There is no one on the face of this earth that knows everything there is about. No one knows your deepest secrets. No one but God! Satan does not even hold any power to crack into our computer (brain). People may lie on you but they will not know the truth unless you tell them. Lie detector test are fakes. If a psychopathically liar can pass a lie detector test, what are they good for. The rumor is all you have to do is believe the story that you are telling. Good thing I asked a lot questions as a child. My parents always questioned how I remember so much when they had forgotten about it. God does not force us to love. We have a choice. Our decisions which are to deliberately disobey Him; we must suffer the consequences. On this journey through life, I have searched and found that Jesus the son of God is real. Life is full of ups and downs. You will find yourself being pulled from every angle. It also comes with lots of spokes and surprises. Life is filled with lots of drama. Have you ever sat outside on the porch and watched the neighbors fight? If you have you have experienced up close and personal drama which is often times better than that which you could find on your television screen. This type of drama you are not too sure if you should report. You don't want to be labeled as a snitch or get hurt by the perpetrator. Than on the other hand you don't want anyone to get hurt, with the Good Samaritan laws maybe you should call. What if you are the only eye witness? What if you are risking your life and they don't believe you. Well I guess there are risks all around that you have to take. Better to take a risk than to have a should've, could've, would've hanging over your head. The best thing is to make it right with God. He will give you all the guidance on what to do. Being a chicken is not the answer ever. Note: Just because they are not speaking on the matter does not make them a coward. You never know how God is dealing with a person. My class action shows began in my earliest memories, 1979, I was beaten by my father for wetting my clothes, lying about wetting my clothes and I was beat up by the neighborhood children. They said I could not play outside because I was ugly. I was not doing anything but sitting on my tricycle in front of my apartment building. I watched my father hit my mother. I screamed in a panic thinking that he was going to kill her. I feared my dad because when he was drunk, he was crazy. I loved my mom but I was not sure that she loved me. I loved my dad because he played games with me. We were good until he starts fighting with my mom and beating on me. The beating continued from my dad to my mom and from my dad to my brother and my mom to me. There were sibling rivalries. This continued until July 6, 1987. The alcohol abuse with my mother had gotten worst. I no longer felt that she did not like me I believed it. The beatings and fights with me for no reason at the age of 7. They stayed drunk so much that they could not remember the night before. This was always was my parents excuse. I'm the one with stars running in circles around my head, with a busted lip, and swollen jaw and found it difficult sleeping. My brother had trouble go to the bathroom at night because he was terribly afraid. In 1984, my mother stopped drinking. By 1985 my mother received her GED. My father went inside to witness her graduation while we waited in the car. I remember later after this event, my father looking at me with fear and anger in his eyes. He had heard that I had prayed for my mother to stop drinking and God answered my prayer. He said, "Don't start praying for me because I am going to drink until I die." At age 7, I stood shocked and afraid. I grew angry, hopeless and sad. Then I turned and walked away. My mother, brother and I started attending church in Toledo, Ohio; at the 2nd Church of God In Christ. My mother participated in the choir and as an usher. I did not participate much because I was not yet baptized and I did not yet understand the assembly of church. Yes I was one of those bad children that ran around the church after service was over. Through the seeds that were planted I learned to pray the disciple's prayer. I learned about the Good News of Christ. I accepted Christ in my life at the age of 9. It is quite edifying, the word of God. You never know when God is coming back for you; therefore, we are to get our lives in order. After church service, New Years I believe, there was a tragic accident. It was three cars outside the church. The one we were in, another guy's car and his family and a yellow car with a family in it. We were parked and I was sleep in the back seat. I felt us move and stop. Than a while later it was a car crash. Teenagers were joy riding and crashed into the yellow car and then they took off running. Good thing we moved and good thing the other guy decided to move because it could have been us. I never found out if they were okay or not. I believe that it was their car that was overfull with passengers. I did not understand everything being that I was waking up from a good sleep and I did not see the very beginning. In spite of it all, I did pray. I also learned the commandment to be obedient to your parents otherwise your days on the earth would be shortened. So everything she asked I did even if I hated it. Even if I had to go to the store after school 5-10 times a day because she forgot something on her list. I said, I am the skinniest person in the house why do I have to go all of the time. She would always say, "You are the only one that would do it." As a child I took it to mean, they are too lazy to do it themselves. As I got older, God helped me to realize why I am always called on which is not always good, but the reason was that "Like Jesus, you too are asked to do things that I and your mother knows that no one else would do and do it correctly." On July 6, 1987, that class action horror flick entered our 3 bedroom duplex. I loved it when my mother stopped drinking because we started to bond. My mother and I were sitting on the living room couch when my dad enters the room from outside. He is carrying a metal baseball bat. He waves it in the air and asks with rage, "You are plotting on me? You are plotting on me?" We said in fear "No" He replies, "I'll bat ya'll heads. Ya'll better be here when I get back." Then he proceeded out of the front door. We did not know where he went but we weren't going to wait around to find out. My mother woke my brother and gathered our things, called a cab and we left. We went to a shelter that is geared in protecting women that are struggling with abusive crises. Two years later, my mother united with her man of her life, the one that I believed came to destroy my peace and my life. Today, my mom and the man of her life are happy living in their own house. As, for my dad, he just discovered how much I really cared about him. I had to let him know that I was not mad at him and that the relationship did have to end. He would have killed my mother and I would be without both my parents. Than my brother and I would have been placed in foster care. No matter what anyone would have said at that time would not have changed my opinion of where we would have ended up; because today, I am homeless and my family finds it extremely hard to give me a place to sleep. “I have heard that it hath been said, you shall love your neighbor, and hate your enemy. But, I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that I may be the children of your father which is in heaven: for He makes His son to rise on the evil and on the good send rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love them which love you, what reward have you? Be therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” (Matt 5:43-46; 48) In spite of all the pain and agony that my family has caused me and still today try to cause me, they are forgiven in my eyes. I just know the road that I have to take and on this road there will be people that I meet. Some of these people are good and some are bad. The good ones I may want to take them with me but unfortunately they won’t be able to come. Today, the same is as it was over 10 years ago. I am homeless. I am paying rent to stay with someone else and could not live with my parents if I wanted to. The shame is that what is today is the same ten years ago as it was 20 years ago. My mom always seems to find her needs more prevalent than mine. I am so tired of coming second to addictions and a rotten boy friend. I must do what I must do for me. Proverbs 23: 22 says, “Listen to your father who begot you, and do not despise your mother when she is old.” I don’t have to agree with them but maybe a little time spent with my father and a little love shared with my mother may shed a little light in their lives. And just maybe they might decide to give their hearts to God. The first step in discovering yourself is to realize and practice what it means to love yourself and others. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” Miss Piggy Chapter 2 Love Yourself Proverbs 19:8 Do you know the leading cause to women being overweight? Depression from loneliness and stress from not being loved or cared about and they know that deep down inside that there is nothing that they could do to change it. My depression began at age 7. It started when I began to believe the words of the children that I was ugly. I developed a shield over my eyes that prevented me from seeing my face when I brushed my teeth in front of the mirror. My obesity or over weight did not begin until I was 26 years old. When I reached my peak average of 130 I started to cry because I knew that at 4'11 ¾ this was starting to get ugly. I never thought it would happen but it did. I was 115lbs for the longest. I was lonely and I thought Mr. Right would never be coming. I tried what everyone said not to think about it but time just past me by and he still did not come. Now I am overweight he definitely won't come now. At high school graduation I weighted 103lbs. By the end of the summer I was 115lb. My weight issues with sensitivity did not begin until I was 13. My pediatrician told me I was 99 ½ lbs and I panicked. I did not want to be 100lbs because I thought it was fat. In order for me to prevent from getting fat, I would eat snacks which consist of one bit of something a day. It came to a period in my diet where I did not crave but once a week. When I did eat, I ate like I never ate before. By this time I was 16 and weighing 101lbs. I did not care much for sweets. I cared very little for greasy or fatty food such as meat and potatoes. I craved cheese. I loved milk. I had lots of clothing but none that I really wanted to wear. Music was my life and medicine. It helped to comfort me and my life stresses. Out of all of this I did pray every night and before I ate. I held on to my mother's every word that pertained to God. I obeyed her because the bible said to do so. I grew to hate my mother because every day she proved to me I was more and more alone in this world. I always had weird but creative hairstyles. My hair would grow and break off all of the time due to stress and not receiving the proper management. My improper management was due to living in continued poverty. I was a very quiet person. I could not tell rather school, church or home was worst; therefore, I stayed to myself. I had lots of suicidal thoughts as a child. I wished I wasn’t born. I always asked my mother why she did not put me up for an adoption, if she did not want me. I came to the reality that I could not be myself so why be alive. I wondered what my funeral would look like if I would die. Who would be there? Who would miss me? Even though I felt this way, I could bring me to commit suicide. It was just a little something inside that I felt was worth living for. I would remember the pastor telling me when I was 9 that, “You’re a special child and God has a special work for me.” I somewhat liked the idea of being special and knowing that God has a special work for me.” I somewhat liked the idea of being special and knowing that god was going to use me in special way. With this message I was encourage to fight on another day. It took me awhile to realize that it was the enemy that had me feeling the way I did about myself. Many guys around town would see me and say you’re so beautiful and I would smile. I would always wonder to myself, what they see. I did not see what they saw. Actually, it made me stop and take a second to realize that I could not see what they saw for two reasons: I did not ever take the time to look at myself and I never took the time to get to truly know myself. Deep down inside I am a loving, caring, and giving person. I love to laugh and make others happy. Most importantly, I love to do what is right for me. I realized that I was not fat just overweight. I still struggled with this until the other day; I came to an agreement with myself that it is what I say to myself that makes me overweight. Ever since I was 13, I have been saying “I am fat.” For now on I am going to change my language. I am fit. I am thin. I am small. As I repeated these words to myself I could feel a change in my body. I am beautiful. I am smart. My day is lovely. I feel marvelous. My life is wonderful. After repeating and believing these words you should be able to feel array of sunshine. Speak positivity, live positive. We must understand the power of ours words. They can do enormous damage. God loves us all and the second step in finding the true you is by loving yourself. I lack a lot of love for myself. God restored my heart. He will restore yours too. Copywritten 2009
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