Hillbilly Adventure

Kyle and Carly heard one final click as the engine of their 1984 Ford Bronco II shut off from overheating and the radiator  spewed boiling liquid everywhere.  Why had Carly insisted on taking the scenic route to their destination of New York City?  Now the couple were stranded somewhere deep in the hills of eastern Kentucky and their cell phone was not raising the bar.  

Before Kyle could even get out of the vehicle, he was startled by a scratchy voice coming from a strange old man who seemed to appear out of thin air.

    "Reckon you'd be liken' a egg to fix that there radiator," called the odd man.

    "No thanks," replied Kyle while wondering what good an egg could do.  He was still trying to figure out how this person had come to them so quickly since the road was nothing but woods for miles.  

    "Suit yourself," the grotesque man shouted.  Never had Kyle seen anyone like this before.  This man had stringy slicked back hair, stubble, and more wrinkles on his forehead than even Kyle's great grandfather had and he was 93 when he passed away.  Although the man was standing, his curved spine made him appear to be stooped over like he was currently picking cotton from a field and his mouth seemed to contain only three teeth which were gnarled and discolored.  His clothes were just as discolored as his teeth.  His overhauls were stained with grease, food, and probably tobacco juice judging by the lump in his left cheek.  

    Thinking their brief conversation was over, Kyle turned toward his motionless heap which was still steaming from the hood.

    "Name's George," yelled the man.  He was apparently deaf, as his loud booming voice once again startled Kyle.  Meanwhile, Carly got out thinking help had arrived.  Disappointment fell on her face as she spotted George.  

    After several seconds of awkward silence, Kyle finally responded to George.  

    "Hi, I'm Kyle," he said in a courteous way.

    "Careful," whispered Carly, " I think we're in hillbilly country".

    "Um, where exactly is the nearest service station," Kyle questioned George.

    "Well, let's see," began George.  "Well, you can go up yonder to Turkey Hill, turn left, then stop when your at the big holler tree.  Then head on up yonder 'till you get to P.B.'s or you could just head through them there woods," George explained.

     Kyle's eyes followed the hillbilly's crooked pointing finger to the nearby forest.  George punctuated his words by spitting out a wad of tobacco.

    "I think we'll take the forest," Carly confirmed for them both while checking once again for any bars on her cell phone.  

    "Alright, but ya'll should be on the look out fer the huge creature folks 'round here like ta call Big-foot," George warned.  "He lives in them there woods.  In fact, my northly neighbor might have been eaten by him," George added.

"I even seen him once with my one good eye," continued George.

"Let's go Carly," urged Kyle, "this man is a lunatic."

    "O.K.," Carly agreed.  "Bye crazy guy," they giggled in unison as they stepped into the woods.

    After stumbling through the thick woods for some time,  Carly realized it was Friday.  "Kyle," she uttered, "please tell me this isn't Friday the 13th."

    "It is," informed Kyle.  

    They made several boring jokes about Jason, and pretended they were hilarious as they nervously laughed.

    Then they heard a unique noise that sounded like a Wookie from the Star Wars movies.

    "Did you hear that obnoxious noise?" Carly asked.  "If I didn't know better, I'd swear that crazy old guy just might be right about Big-foot living here." Carly continued.

    They heard a similar noise, only much closer this time, and both ran off in different directions without thinking. The next noise that Kyle heard was Carly screaming for her life and then silence.  

    "Oh my gosh!" he screamed, "Big-foot just ate Carly!"  Panic struck Kyle so strongly that all he could do was run in circles and around trees for almost half an hour before he collapsed.

    Unfortunately, Kyle did not know that Carly had simply twisted her ankle and had been quickly scooped up by the arms of not Big-foot, but instead, a crazy old hillbilly named George.   He took Carly back to his dilapidated  shack and invited her inside to call the police to help find Kyle.  When Carly entered George's home, she was more than shocked to see amazing technology such as wifi high speed internet, a wii, and an enormous plasma t.v. with awesome surround sound.

    "Here," George said as he handed Carly the phone.  "Now di'n't I warn ya'll about them there woods an' the things that live in 'em," George lectured.

    Kyle was still in the forest, half crying and mumbling to himself about needing to outsmart Big-foot.  Suddenly he heard a growling noise and rustling leaves nearby.  He smelled an odd odor.  A smell that did not belong in any woods he'd ever been in before.  "Big-foot's putrid breath," he stammered, "right behind me!"

    Picking up the nearest stick to use to fight off Big-foot, Kyle turned quickly toward the nearby footsteps only to find an obese policeman holding a frappachino in one hand and a half empty box of doughnuts in the other.

"Your name Kyle?" the cop asked while munching down on a cream filled doughnut.

"Yes sir," squeaked Kyle.

"Ya girlfriend is lookin' for ya," the cop continued.

"She's dead; Big-foot ate her," Kyle informed the cop.

The cop stared blankly at Kyle, "Come on kid. She's down at George's house."

    Kyle and Carly were soon reunited at George's shack where they both realized how foolish they had behaved.  "I think we both owe you an apology George," said Carly.   " We just assumed you were a dumb old crazy Kentucky hillbilly.  We're really sorry.  You really saved us today." added Kyle.

    "Well, I guess I am a crazy old Kentucky hillbilly, but I sure ain't dumb and neither is the rest of us who live around here." George stated.  Then he added, "As fer helpin' ya'll, heck, that was nothin'.  That's what all us folks up here would do.  I was just bein' neighborly."

    After Kyle and Carly were finished giving George their final goodbyes and last words of thanks, George handed Kyle an egg and said, "I reckon you'd be liken' a egg to fix that there radiator; just break and plop. That's what I always done.  You'll make it to the service station anyhow."  

Kyle smiled, took the egg, then whispered to Carly, "This was a hillbilly adventure that we'll never forget."