One thing that you might begin hearing about at home, if you haven’t already, is something called “relational aggression.”  This phenomenon is, essentially, female bullying.  While both boys and girls can engage in all types of bullying, what typically distinguishes female bullying from male bullying are the following characteristics:

• Girls tend to “aggress” against other girls in their friendship circle; boys “aggress” against outsiders.
• Girls are more likely to use rumor-spreading, gossip, and name-calling to hurt others; it is rarely physical.
• Girls will shun or exclude other girls to hurt them.

Other forms of relational aggression are things like “take-backs” (saying something cruel and then pretending that it was a joke); 3-way phone calls (Shauna calls Vickie with Brenda listening in; Shauna ‘baits’ Vickie to say something negative about Brenda, but Vickie doesn’t know that Brenda is listening); and humiliation, manipulations, and intimidation.  Add to these behaviors cell phones, email, text-messaging, and social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook, where people can trash others from the safety of their homes behind a computer screen, and you have a real culture of negativity.  Sadly, this is happening the world over and at our school, too. 

At LDMS, we realize that we can’t fix every social ill that comes our way.  However, we can and will always send the message to our school community that certain things are not acceptable.  This culture of relational aggression is not acceptable.  Hurting others’ feelings is not okay.  Making others cry on purpose is downright mean.  When I talk to girls about this, I make sure they understand that I can’t control what other kids do.  But I can and will consistently and emphatically send the message that being mean is wrong.

How can you help? 

• Monitor your child’s electronics!  Make sure that what they are texting/emailing and receiving is appropriate; make sure their MySpace page is appropriate; discourage 3-way conversations.
• Don’t accept that “kids will be kids” and it is just what they do.  Lots and lots of kids DON’T engage in this behavior.  Many kids have figured out how to navigate around the culture of bullying.
• Open up the lines of communication.  Listen to your child about what happens at school.  Don’t let them exaggerate, but don’t minimize it either.  And also remember that there are three sides to every story: one person’s side, the other person’s side, and the TRUTH.  Sometimes the truth is very difficult to uncover.
• Never, ever give your child silent permission to be mean to others.  Punishment may not be appropriate all the time, but if your child has engaged in something you know in your heart is unkind, send the message that you don’t like it.  (Believe it or not, your kids really do internalize what you say to them, though they won’t admit it!)
• Don’t assume that boys don’t engage in this behavior.  Sometimes, boys will get caught up in it, too, especially spreading the rumors.
• Sit down with your child and a copy of this survey.  Use it to start a discussion about behaviors they see, are engaging in, or are the victim of.
• Let Mr. Dowd or me know if relational aggression is having an impact on your child (whether your child is the aggressor or the victim).