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Preface  doctor, a nurse, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, an infertility specialist or even a phlebotomist. In fact, a few years ago the only acronyms I knew concerning the female body were PMS and BS and the letters DNC, FSH, IUI and IVF (to name a very small few) all sounded like LMNOP to me. So, you can rest assured that this book is not technical or medical, although you will be exposed to some of the basic medical procedures as described from my own personal experience and perspective. While many experts in the field have reviewed and consulted with me on this book, that is only to ensure accuracy and relevance for you. This book is from me, simply a woman who struggled for my family, to you! My only authority is that I have been there. I know the heartache, the pain, the shame, the feeling of constant questions and no good answers, pretending it’s ok in front of your friends and crying in front of the mirror. I know what it is like to smile at your husband and think “he should have married someone who could give him children,” while wondering if you ever can. I know what it’s like to be in the throes of that thought when you run into his obviously pregnant ex-girlfriend. I have talked to the doctors. I have Googled every related topic; asked friends and experts; and spent countless hours on BabyCenter.com. I have been covered in whelps from shots in my tummy and bottom. I have been covered in zits from the unbelievable amount of hormones they put inside of me. I have carefully placed a pillow under my hiney after sex “just in case.” I ate bags of spinach after hearing that it helped somehow. I purchased boxers for my husband (instead of briefs) so that his “boys” could breathe. I prayed. I yelled. I sat in a bubble bath crying. I have been there. I have looked back on my past and wondered if I was getting what I deserved from a less than perfect life; if this was my price to pay for all the bad things I’d done before. I wondered if maybe I hadn’t suffered enough to this point, so this was my cross to bear. I questioned whether or not this was some kind of clue that I wouldn’t make a good mother, so I’d never get the chance. I know what it feels like for every drunken cheerleader to get pregnant and to ask the question “why not me?”! Ok, so maybe I don’t know exactly what it’s like for you. All of our stories and situations are different. But our emotions have some similarities. I deeply needed someone to understand. To talk to. Not to judge me or try to solve my problems. I needed to curl up in the comfort that I was not alone. My prayer is that this book will be that comfort for you. So go get a bag of something chocolate and a pencil to make notes in the margin. Hop in the bath, pull a blanket up next to the fireplace or sit in your favorite reading spot under a tree. This book is all yours. I want you to really feel it. This is my soul reaching out to comfort yours in the way I so dearly needed during my experience. We may have never met, but our shared circumstance makes you a good friend of mine. Let my words take you in their arms and hold you. We share the same tears.
It took me: 0 insurance coverage, 1 DNC, 2 rounds of IVF Fertilization, 3 medical doctors, 4 long hard years, 500 options and decisions, 6,000 hours of thinking about my situation and 7,000,000 tears to finally have the family I do today. Don’t give up. Your desire to have a family means that you can, in some way, have a family. It may be one of the thousands of medical options that get you there. It may be adoption. It may be a miracle. But you can be a parent if you want to be. And you will have the exact family that God wants you to have. I believe that if I had become pregnant when we had originally started, I would not be the kind of patient mother I am today. I may not
have understood the true value of my precious gift. I would not have Sam. He would be another child of another time. And I know that my Sam is the exact person God wants me to raise. Like Garth Brooks sang, “some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” If you must, roll your eyes Max Lucado wrote a book that’s titled God Loves You Just the Way You Are, But He Wants You To Be Just Like Jesus. I thought a lot about this while I was nursing my son the other day. He always screams and cries when I stop him from eating to burp him. But I have learned that if he doesn’t burp, then he won’t get a full feeding – he won’t be wholly satisfied. I believe this is why we go through trials in our life. God wants you to experience whole satisfaction. To get there, we need to know the value of that satisfaction. We may think that God is beating us down, when really he is beating our backs to get out the burps. The burps must come before the satisfaction. Continued.....
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