This They Believe

                                                        

                                                          Yongming Wang

 

 

Margaret met Susan at a party held by a mutual friend of theirs. It was the day after Christmas, a Saturday. After introduced to Susan by the hostess, Margaret sat down on the same sofa on which Susan sat and started a chat; she took a liking on Susan immediately, and acted like Susan was her long lost friend just re-found. By the end of the party Margaret almost knew everything about Susan. Naturally Margaret invited Susan to the party she was going to throw on the New Year’s Day.

 

After the party was over, Margaret, a small woman with sparkling eyes and full of vigor, jumped into the car, and as usual, started talking like a sparrow; Peter, her husband, drove silently along. Their daughter, Ginger, sat in the back, listened to the music from the mp3 player, ignoring them totally. In the past, Margaret would convey to her husband every piece of news and gossips she picked up from the party, but today she only had one topic: Susan.

 

“Did you see the woman I talked with tonight?” she asked.

“Eh.”

“I invited her to our New Year’s Day party, next Saturday. Her name is Susan. Oh, she is single. Her husband died six months ago, cancer,” she added sympathetically. “Her husband came to the United States three years ago. She and her daughter came one year later. Her husband had graduated from certain college in Nebraska with a Master degree in computer science last fall. He found a job in January in New York City. The family moved to the east coast and started to build their American dream. Only two months after her husband started working was he diagnosed with lung cancer and died five months later.”  Margaret sighed loudly. She waited for her husband to say something. But Peter kept quiet, concentrating on his driving. In the end she couldn’t hold it anymore. “Are you listening?”

“Eh.”

“What do you think?”

“Nothing.”

“She has a daughter named Anna, eleven years old, only one year younger than Ginger. Anna goes to the same school as Ginger does.”

“What do they live on after her husband died?” Peter asked.

“I didn’t ask her that. She is kind of reticent. By and large she must work to survive. I don’t think it’s something very nice. It must be hard for her, you can imagine.”

 

The New Year’s Day was cold, with snow covering the ground. It was the first snow of the year, missing the Christmas by four days. Everybody, especially children, were disappointed at a no-snow, grey Christmas. Margaret and Peter came from a southern city in China, where it never snows. When they first arrived in New Jersey twenty years ago they were shocked in the first winter by this massive accumulation of tiny white crystals.  After the initial amazement faded away, they had to face the trouble and inconvenience the snow brought with. Being a sedate man, Peter hated shoving the snow on the ground and scraping snow off the car.  After each snow his muscle would ache for several days. No sooner the pain went away than the next torture arrived. And the New Jersey winter lasted for five months!

 

But gradually they began to appreciate the tranquility and beauty of the white tiny particles, particularly the white Christmas, so romantic and poetic. After their daughter was borne, they bought their first house in this nice New Jersey suburb town; they tried their best to imitate their American neighbors, to learn and follow their customs. Thanksgiving turkey – Peter still preferred duck to turkey nevertheless. Christmas presents. They brought home the first Christmas tree when Ginger was four years old. Since then, every year the gift mountain under the Christmas tree grew bigger than the year before. When Ginger, like all other kids of her age, started to inquire about Santa Clause, both of them had to seriously pretended that everything the book or the teacher says is true, until Ginger grew out of it herself.

 

However, the snow was much less frequent nowadays than they used to be. Like this year, the first snow finally arrived just two days ago.

 

The door bell rang. Margaret, who was comfortably sitting on the living room sofa watching television, looked at the clock on the wall. It was only two in the afternoon. Who it should be? It can’t be the sales people? On the first day of the year? She stood up, walked over, and opened the door.  It was Susan and her daughter. What a surprise! There was no car behind them. “We walked here. We live not far.” Susan explained before the astonished Margaret raised the question. Susan wore a red coat, the color of which was reflected on her rather pale face. “But we can go and pick you up,” Margaret blamed. “How long did it take you two to get here? Look at Anna, her whole face is frozen to red.” “About forty minutes, it should have taken shorter time but the snow slowed us down,” Susan said calmly.

 

Anne and Ginger went upstairs to Ginger’s room, their own world. Ignoring Margaret’s protest, Susan at once set about helping Peter with cooking in the kitchen. In their home, Margaret was the day-to-day cook; but Peter was the ultimate chef. Whenever they had guests coming over for dinner, it was time for Peter to show off his cooking workmanship. Usually he refused any help. But today they had invited a big number of people over, and he started cooking late because just this morning he found out that he didn’t have any ginger left and he had to go out to the local Chinese grocery store to buy some. He was behind the schedule. So when Susan insisted, he let her into the kitchen. Of course he refused Margaret into his territory. Margaret was happy to leave them two alone.

 

Very adept and efficient in the kitchen, Susan found her way around in no time, washing dirty dishes, cleaning vegetables, cutting and chopping meats and vegetables to Peter’s liking, handing over to him the utensil and appropriate plates and bowls without being asked; they seldom talked. Both of them enjoyed the quiet moment and the tacit smooth coordination. 

 

            The dinner was a big success. Everyone heartily complimented the food. Margaret was beaming; she was proud of her husband. She thanked Susan eagerly and asked her to stay a little longer. Anna was thrilled because she and Ginger had much to talk about. They went up to Ginger’s room again. Peter retreated to the study room to play his favorite online computer board game, the Go, which is called Weiqi in Chinese. Margaret and Susan sat on the living room sofa, talking over the green tea.

 

            “Susan, you look very tired and languishing. There was the black circle around your eyes. How old are you? Not forty, I guess. You should take more care of yourself,” Margaret half inquired half remarked, full of concern.

            “I can’t help it, Margaret. Since …, I had difficulty going to sleep and often woke up during the night,” Susan slowly said.

            “The dead is dead, but the live has to live on. Don’t think too much. You have to live happily, if only for your daughter.”

            “Anna is the only reason for me to keep going for the past six months. Otherwise I would have long gone back to China. I want Anna to have a good education and a bright future in the United States.”

            “If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you how you support you and your daughter financially.”

            “I have a job in a Chinese restaurant not far from here.”

            “Waitress?”

            “No. My English is not good enough for that. I work in the kitchen.”

            “Kitchen?” Margaret was shocked. “What do you do in the kitchen?”

            “Wash dishes, peel the onion, chop the chicken, clean the floor; everything the cooking masters don’t bother with their hands I do.”

            “Where do you live then?”

            “The owner provides the sleeping place.”

            “How is the living condition?”

            “The restaurant boss, Mr. Chen, owns a three-story house. He and his family lives on first and second floor; all restaurant workers including me and Anna live on the third. Mr. Chen’s wife stays at home. They have two small children. A boy, two years old, and a girl only six months. Those restaurant workers, they are rough and coarse. I don’t care. I’m fine with that. I’m just worried about Anna.”

            “Can Mrs. Chen keep an eye on Anna?”

            “Mrs. Chen is nice to us. She is doing her best to take care of Anna, making sure Anna gets something to eat when coming home after school. Let Anne sleep in the living room downstairs before I come back in the night. But Mrs. Chen is pretty tied up with her two children. That’s all she can do for Anna.”

            “Why don’t you rent an apartment?”

            “I don’t have enough money. I only earn eight hundreds per month.”

            “Do you send money back home?”

            “I have to. Both my parents and my husband’s parents. They are all retired and poor. You know the inflation rate in China is very high.  They can hardly make ends meet. Both my husband and I are the only child in the family, it’s my responsibility to support them.”

            “How much do you send each month?

            “Two hundreds for each family.”

            “That only leaves four hundreds for you and Anna. What do you do with that little money?”

            “The good thing working in the restaurant is that the food and sleeping place are free. So I basically save every penny for Anna’s future. She likes drawing and painting a lot. I want to send her to private teacher, but only after I can drive and have a car.”

            “Do you and your daughter have any medical insurance?”

            “No.”

            “What if either of you get sick?”

            “Sick? We can’t afford to be sick.”

            “How is your English?”

            “Very poor, only know a few words.”

            “Because you work in the Chinese restaurant, you don’t have a chance to learn English. Susan, listen to me. In order to improve your life and your daughter’s life, you have to improve your English first. You have to go to school to learn some skill, then to find a decent job. You also should find another husband. One person alone is too hard in this country.”

            “Husband I haven’t think of. I indeed want to improve my current situation. But how? I need the money. I even don’t have money to rent an apartment. How can I think of going to school? Also I think I have become an illegal immigrant since my husband died. I’m stuck in the restaurant. My only hope is my daughter. Hope she can go to a good college and have a good life. I’m stuck where I’m. I know. I don’t complain. It’s my fate. I accept it.” Susan’s eyes became red.

            “Come to church with me, Susan. Maybe you can find some help there.”

            “What? Church? You go to Church?”

            “Oh, I didn’t tell you. I’m a Christian. Five years already. There is this Chinese Christian church in the town next to us. I go there with my daughter every Sunday morning. Come with me tomorrow. I can come to pick you up.”

            “No. I never think of church. I don’t know anything about the religion, the church, and I don’t know any Christian in my life. And I think I don’t believe in God, any kind of god.”

            “That’s O.K. I was like you before I started going to church ten years ago. Didn’t believe in anything. It was all because the atheist education we received in China. I changed now. And look at me. I have a happy life; have no complains. I don’t need to work since Peter earns a decent salary. He works in the computer field, you know. Good pay. He was laid-off several times. But each time he found a better job, with the help of our friend in church. I tell you. The Christian people are very kind and eager to help. They pray for you everyday. They go all their way to help you if you need help. That’s something I admire Christian the most.”

            “But do you really believe in God?”

            “Tell you the truth. At the beginning I was like you, a non-believer. But after a few years, I started to doubt myself. Just think: what if it’s real? Anyway you don’t lose anything by believing in God. Right? But you have all the benefits to gain.”

             “How about Peter, your husband?”

            “He? He is a piece of dead meat, a firm atheist. Sometimes I drag him to the church. And you know what he would do? Nine out of ten times he fell to sleep during the minister’s preaching. This is only thing we are not in the same line. He listens to me in all other family issues. But not this one. So are you going with me tomorrow?”

            “I don’t know. I’m not sure.”

            “Come on. Just give it a try. See how you like it. Plus, a big benefit is for the sake of your daughter. Believe me, everybody says that the church-going children won’t become bad. You know in this country how easy it’s for kids to go astray, especially for girls.”

            “Really? O.K. then. I’ll go with you tomorrow morning. But I have to come back to the restaurant before one o’clock.”

 

            Before going to bed that night Margaret proudly told Peter that she had successfully persuaded Susan go to the church tomorrow. “You have found another lost sheep, haven’t you?” Peter said, with a little sarcasm. When Margaret told him that Susan worked in the restaurant kitchen, Peter paused for a couple of seconds, and then casually said, “I did have a peek at her hands this afternoon in the kitchen. I knew it must be some kind of laborious work. But I thought it might be some kind of house cleaning job. Restaurant kitchen? I see. That’s why she was so proficient in my kitchen this afternoon.”

 

            Next day, Margaret asked Peter to drive for them. It’s all snow on the ground, and you are a man. You should drive for us, she said. Peter grumbled but he obliged. First they had to go to Mr. Chen’s house to pick up Susan and her daughter. It was not far. But the road was slippery and hard. When their car turned the corner Peter at once saw Susan and Anna standing in front of the house, waiting. Susan still wore that red coat, which was strikingly outstanding among the surrounding white world. She raised her right hand and waved it towards the coming car; the car drew close. Margaret rolled down the window and urged them to pop in. Susan wore some make-up today. There was some color on her pale face. She also wore a pair of blue woolen gloves to hide her cracked hands.

 

           The Chinese Christian Church was located at 110 Washington Avenue of Englishtown. It was a small church, with a congregation about only fifty families, all of them local Chinese American residents, and among them many were first generation immigrates. From outside, the gray building looked like a regular warehouse, not like a church at all. There was no cross on the roof like many other churches do. Aside from the main building there was, across the courtyard, a small two-story colonial house that served as children’s Sunday school, activity room and babysitting room. That was all its property.

 

When they arrived at the church, the mass had just started. No sooner they sat down at the rear seats than the pastor at the altar pronounced cheerfully and loudly, “For those who are the first time coming to the church, please stand up and briefly introduce you self.” Susan didn’t move a muscle. Margaret nudged her, “Stand up.” “No. No.” Susan refused. “Come on, let me introduce you.” Margaret stood up, cleared her throat, “This is Susan, and her daughter Anna. It is their first time to our church. Actually, first time to any church. Let’s welcome her.” Susan slowly stood up among the exploding applause, her face becoming deep red. At that moment, she was beautiful. She didn’t dare raising her eyes, mumbled something even she herself couldn’t hear. It was so embarrassing. She had never before stood up in front of so many strangers. The pastor smiled understandingly. He told her to sit down and started to deliver his sermon, in Chinese.

 

“I’m so glad today that Sister Margaret brought Susan here. I wish every Sunday we can meet new faces among us. It’s such a glory for Jesus Christ. When you bring lost sheep to the home of the Lord, it’s you who let our Lord shine. It’s you who will get closer to the gate of heaven. Don’t forget that it’s our duty, our glorious duty to lead everyone around us into the home of our Lord.

 

“Many of you here have doubts about your faith. I understand. When I was a university physics professor back twenty years ago, I didn’t believe in God. I believed in science, in Darwin. But look at me now. I was crippled. I know it was God’s will, to teach me a lesson, to tell me to be humble. I thank my Lord for letting me crippled, letting me realize I’m just a lost son of our Lord. I’ve found my home.

 

“And some of you sitting here today, when everything is good, smooth, you don’t think of God. You have a decent job, earn a good salary, live in a big house, and have a happy family, and you think that is all because you are smart and work hard to earn this. No. Let me tell you. It’s the Lord, our Father; he let you have all these wonderful things. Our father, he heard your prayer, he heard the other people’s prayers for you, and he answered.

 

“Some of you, I know, are having the difficult time of your life now. You feel that the life is harsh, is not fair; you complain; you don’t believe anymore. But remember, all these hardship, these ordeals, are also brought upon you by our Father. He is testing you, testing your faith, testing your will. Don’t fail Him. Accept these testing happily. You will get awarded eventually by our Lord. Our Father, he even sacrificed his son to save us, he will not hold back just a little fortune, a little luck on you. So keep your faith, keep your praying. You will be awarded in bounty, even more than what you ask for.”

 

Sitting there, transfixed, Susan was as still as a rock. She was in deep shock. She had never in her whole life heard something like that. She always thought it was her fate to lose her husband; it was her fate to work in the restaurant kitchen, to shoulder all the burdens and troubles the world hurled at her. Now someone was telling her that all this was done to her purposely by someone called God, only to test her. And if she just believed and prayed, everything would change. It sounded ridiculously simple. 

 

Margaret stole a glance at Susan. She knew exactly how Susan felt now. Her first time was the same, shocking and stupefying. When she turned to another side to look at Peter, she saw that his eyes were closed. He was asleep as usual. She frowned. “Incorrigible,” She grumbled.

 

Sullenly the pastor was coming to the end.

 

“Now I have to remind everyone of you that it’s luck that we all come here today. It’s also our glory to donate our money to the course of the God. When you put your money in that small black bag later, you are actually put that money in the bank. Not the bank on earth of course. It’s the bank in heaven. You deposit your money to your own account in the bank of heaven. The more you put in there now, the more you will harvest later. Some day, when you go up there, you will have all that money plus big interest, and you will live happily forever, under the glory of our Lord. Now let’s pray … Amen.”

 

Hearing the last passage, Susan didn’t feel comfortable. She turned and whispered to Margaret, “I’m poor; I don’t have money to donate. Then I can’t go to heaven?”

“No. No. This part is not suitable for you. It’s only for our Christians. You are not Christian. You don’t need to contribute anything,” Margaret hastily replied.

“You have to?”

“Yes.”

“Every time?”

“Yes.” Margaret hesitated a bit, and then added, “There is a free lunch later.”

“Free lunch? We don’t need. We are supposed to go back to the restaurant to have lunch. I don’t donate money. I don’t want free lunch.”

“What do you think?” Margaret scolded her lightly. “It’s not about the food. It’s a good time for everyone of us to get together, catching up with old friends, exchanging useful information, making new friends.”

“The social part and the free lunch are Margaret’s favorites; the main reason to come here every Sunday.” Peter, waking up, interrupted them in irony tone.

 

Susan wanted to leave but Margaret persuaded her to stay. Together they went down the narrow wooden stairs in the corner of the big hall and came to the basement which the church kitchen and dining room were located.

 

The dining area was small, full of wooden tables and benches. On one wall there was a window open to a small room behind which served as the kitchen. On this side a big table was set beneath the window. Some teenagers were helping with the preparation of lunch. Some were inside the kitchen, scooping up the food, stir-fried rice noodle, into paper plates; some on this side of window, taking plates and putting them on the big table. People were in line to take a plate and find a seat. Everything was in order. It was very crowded but everyone was polite and warm. People talked loudly and laughed a lot.

 

Margaret, Susan, Ginger, and Anna, all of them except Peter, holding the lunch plate, found an empty table in the corner, sat down, and started eating. Peter just sat there reading his book. There were people who continuously came to greet Susan and her daughter, welcomed them warmly. They listened attentively to Margaret telling Susan’s story. When they heard about Susan’s husband, they expressed deep condolence and offered to pray for her and her daughter. It was such heart-softening that Susan felt she joined a big family. At the restaurant nobody would talk to her except ordering her to do this and that. The thing they liked to do the most was to make fun of her, saying vulgar things to her, touching her body then pretending it was an accident. Many a time she wanted to quit but she knew that not every restaurant wanted to hire a woman in the kitchen. She just endured and cried inwardly. But today her tears almost couldn’t be held back anymore.

 

The pastor came. He walked slowly towards Susan and Margaret. Susan noticed that he did walked a little awkwardly. He sat down, smiling at Susan sincerely. Margaret was more than willing to tell Susan’s story one more time. After Margaret finished, the pastor turned to Susan and asked her, “Do you believe that all your hardship and struggle are arranged by our Lord, and He chose you because He loves you so much that He wanted you to come home?”

“I don’t know,” Susan answered timidly. “If He is real and full of love, why is he so heartless? According to you, this is the way to show his love. But I think this kind of love is so cruel.”

“Oh, please don’t say that word. Amen.” The pastor was startled by Susan’s remark. “Try praying. You will feel better, and you will see the change. It will definitely bring good to you. Believe me. When I had the serious sickness back twenty years ago, I prayed adamantly, and I secretly made a deal with God. I said God if you cure my disease I will serve you for the rest of my life. You see, my prayer was answered. I was cured. Ever since then I became a firm believer. So just give it a try.” The pastor heartily persuaded.

“Yeah, just give it a try,” Margaret said, “You don’t lose anything.”

“Maybe I’ll try,” Susan answered.

“That’s good. Now how about Peter?” The pastor turned to the Peter who was sitting there quietly the whole time reading and there was no food in front of him. “You don’t have lunch?” the pastor asked.

“He never has lunch here,” Margaret said loudly. “I always say to him do you think this is poison?”

“I’m not hungry.” That’s all Peter had to say. Then he ignored all of them, turning back to his book.

“Peter doesn’t believe anything,” the pastor half joked, still with smile on his face.

“He only believes in himself,” Margaret said.

 

After that day, Margaret always took Susan to church on Sundays. Susan’s daughter Anna went to the church Sunday school with Margaret’s daughter Ginger. They got along very well and Anna liked the Sunday school very much. Now when it was Sunday, Anna would wake up early, made herself ready, and urged her mother hurry up. Going to church became the major pastime for the eleven-year-old Anna. In church she found friends of her same age. They played together, sang together; Anna loved to sing. She found the church music and those hymns beautiful. When she sang in the chorus, no matter it was practice or during the mass, she poured all her heart into it.

 

After three months, Anna started to ask Susan questions about religions which baffled Susan a lot. One day Anna asked Susan if it was real that her dad was in the heaven waiting to reunite with them; if it was real that the life in heaven was much better than the life on earth; and why God would take her dad away. Susan didn’t know how to answer those questions. She still found it hard to believe the Christian doctrine. The only reason she still kept going to church with Margaret was that she found friendship and warmth nowhere she could find. It was an escape from her current world, the oily smelling kitchen, the dirty and vulgar workers, and the unbearable living condition. But she couldn’t echo something that she heard from the church but didn’t believe. She wouldn’t lie to her daughter. Whenever she hesitated at Anna’s question, Anna always stared at her as if looking at an alien. Finally Anna asked her, “Don’t you believe in God, Ma?” Susan was really stuck. She racked her hair and tried hard to dodge the question. But Anna was persistent. “Do you think there is a God, Ma?” After a long pause, Susan had to say, “I don’t know, daughter, I really don’t know. I wish I could say that I believe. But I can’t. I’m just not sure there is a God or not. But if you believe there is God, keep your faith. Don’t worry about me. As long as you are happy, I’m happy.” “Then how can we both meet with Daddy in heaven later?” Anna pressed on. “Oh, maybe your dad isn’t there. I know he is not a believer too, like me.” That was the best answer Susan could come up with. “Then I’ll stay with you,” Anna seriously announced after a few seconds. “Wherever you go, I’ll go with you.” Hearing that, Susan cried; she gave Anna a big hug.

 

Margaret scolded at Susan’s hesitation. She didn’t understand why it was so hard for Susan to merely admit the existence of God. For Margaret it was never a problem. She decided to have a serious talk with Susan. At another family get-together at her home, Margaret asked Susan to stay a little longer. After Susan helped her clean up the after-mess and kitchen, they went outside for a walk.

 

It was spring time now. The temperature had risen; tree was turning green. Under a cloudless sky, everything on earth radiated a romantic, mysterious, and pleasant glow. They walked along the sidewalk in the community, chatting in whisper-like tone.

 

“Susan, I want to ask you a direct question, if you don’t mind,” Margaret started.

“No problem, please,” Susan said.

“It’s regarding your daughter. Why do you tell her that you are not sure about the existence of God? Why can’t you pretend you believe? You know, you are causing confusion in her mind, which is not good for her spiritual development.”

“I know. I know. But I can’t do that.”

“Why? It’s not hard. Look at me. I have the college education and same background as you do. We came from the same place; we grew up in the same atheistic environment. But I have no difficulty to change. Anyway, nobody had so far proved that God doesn’t exist. Right? So think in this way: just in case.”

“But my college education is different from yours. My major was science; yours English. What I learned in college was that the earth has existed for about 4.5 billion years; the life on earth started with a single cell, evolving from simple life to complex, and finally human.”

“But nobody sees in person what really happened, right?”

“But all the evidences, the fossils, the geological structures and phenomenon, all of them match and point to the same conclusion.”

“I don’t know much about science or geology, and I don’t care. All I know is that this country is a God-believing country. For the sake of your child’s future, you should at least pretend God is real.”

“I admire your ability to adapt, to adjust, Margaret.”

“I say you think too much. Life is simple. Don’t make it unnecessarily complex. It just causes unnecessary troubles for you and your daughter.”

“I want to live a simple life, a better life. But I don’t think God will help me. I only hope I can find a way to learn English, get a better job, even waitress is better than the kitchen job, and make a better environment for Anna. The current living condition is not healthy for her.”

 

One month later, in the middle of the night Margaret was suddenly woke up by the phone ring. She grunted, looked at the clock. It was three o’clock. She slowly picked up the phone. It was a man’s voice; the police. Margaret was wide awake from the first sentence the man said. He told her that Susan was raped and was in the hospital now. Since she didn’t speak much English, the police asked for the contact of her friends. That was how they got Margaret’s phone number. Margaret immediately woke up Peter and they drove up to the hospital. When Susan saw Margaret, Susan started to cry. In sob and staggeringly she told Margaret what happened.

 

There were two bedrooms on the third floor. She and her daughter lived in one room. The other restaurant workers, five of them, slept in the other room. Every night around eleven or midnight when they came back from the restaurant, she would pick up already-asleep Anna from the Sofa downstairs and went up to their room. Every night those workers stayed late until two or three o’clock, playing Mahjong, drinking beer. They knew that next room she was trying to go to sleep but they still made a lot of noise and shouted obscene language; often those vulgar, dirty languages involved her. She could endure all that, as long as Anna was not hearing it. She complained to Mrs. Chen. Mrs. Chen told her they were all like that, those dirty pigs, and all they talked was woman and woman. Mrs. Chen told her that she and Mr. Chen couldn’t do anything as long as they didn’t physically attack her, and asked her to watch out for herself carefully.  So she would lock her room once she got back from the restaurant and stayed inside until next morning.

 

She knew those workers wanted to grasp any opportunity to enter her room. She controlled herself not drinking much water in the restaurant so that she didn’t need to go to the bathroom during the night. But that night the dinner in the restaurant was too salty. She couldn’t help but drank two big cups of water. And still even she wanted to go to bathroom since one o’clock, she held it until after two when the workers finished their Mahjong and became quiet. She then sneaked out into the hall, went to the bathroom downstairs. Before she came up back to the hall, she listened carefully in the dark. There was no single sound. It was safe. She tiptoed through the hallway, opened her room door. As soon as she entered the room, two men jumped at her from behind the door and her mouth was gagged by a pair of big coarse hands.

 

“I fought, Margaret,” Susan cried, “but they are two strong young men, like wild animals. And I didn’t want to wake up Anna.”

 

Margaret’s tears started rolling down her face. She didn’t know what to say. All she could say was oh my God, my God.

 

Peter was entering the room while he heard Margaret’s yelling. “Your God was obviously asleep himself, or went blind,” Peter said coldly.

 

“Peter, please don’t say that,” Susan muttered with a forced miserable smile. “This is my punishment. God is punishing me for my hesitation and doubt. There is no other explanation. God is punishing me. I really started to believe. I should have believed earlier.”

 

Simultaneously Margaret and Peter burst out. 

“That’s good!”

“What a pity!”