12/2/07

 Idiot. idiot idiot idiot. idiot.

It's just like me to take a perfectly good relationship and screw it up by falling for some other guy. What the hell is wrong with me? can't my head/heart just make up it's mind??? 

point is: I don't really like takumi any more. And why is that? because of this freakin sexy ass british junior in theater land. but ooooohh myyyy gooood looooorrrddd 

he's so sexxxxyyyy

i swear, if i've ever wanted to have sex with anybody before, it's this guy. for real.

well, shit. that's all i'm going to say. I swear...stupid...damn...poop that i get myself into...

 11/18/07

 I can safely say i'm done with Joey. I've got a new boyfriend now, his name is Takumi and hes adorable. I think i'm a bit of a nerd whore...eh, ah well. 

I'm supposed to be re-writing my article for the Beak, but I have learning center tomorrow for that... I'm also supposed to be sleeping...eh... ah well. 

I had done Crew for the Fall, but i'm pretty sure it's not for me. I'm really just not an athletic kind of person. Paddling like crazy to win some stupid race just doesn't really appeal to me like it does for the Crew kids. Plus Crew is such a cult...Some of those guys will only ever hang out with other Crew kids and it's really quite annoying. 

Anyway, Takumi and I have been dating for only...how long has it been..2 weeks? erm... i don't really remember...

point is, not that long. And i think he's the sweetest guy ever. We're not quite at that level; where I can just talk to him about anything, because i still haven't even touched upon the "My parents are complete assholes" thing yet, but soon...He's too cute for words. He's half Japanese and half American, and he has an english accent because he lived there most his life. And he gets his braces off in...3 days! =D haha...he's a sweetheart. we do the whole classic hold-hands-and-walk-to-class-together kind of thing, and my shirt still smells like him from cuddling for hours together today. He's a normal, smart, sweet guy, and I feel like we click really well.

oh! I started a band w/ my sister and three of my friends. Brooke's on Bass, Olivia's Drums, I'm Guitar, Karen's Piano and Emma is singing. Brooke is all, "Emma doesn't even have a good rock voice! you should be lead singer!" but i'm all, "whatever, it doesn't even matter. it's just a highschool band." Which is completely true. It is just a high school band. She's acting like we're going to get famous or something...which we most definetely aren't. 

But the band is actually pretty damn good, considering 2/5ths of our band only picked up their instruments the day we started...

Anyway, the journalism plan is going pretty well...the people at the Beak seem to like what i'm doing...so that's pretty kick-ass...

oh! and I was one of 4 Freshmen who managed to get into the winter play this year! I didn't get a big part or anything like that, because i'm a freshmen, but I did get into a four person play; including my part as the waiter. So life is pretty okay right now. Mis parental units are still pissing me off, but i suppose i'm not that worse off from every other teenager with raging hormones inside them...

Maybe i'll post up one of the articles i've written up here 

It's strange, because before when i said I was over Joey, I really truly am over him. I don't have a dire urge to talk to him, I don't get squimish whenever he IMs, and i'll ignore him sometimes. Truth is, he pissed me off because he was supposed to tell me what was going on w/ him, and he never really did. So whatever. His loss.

Everything feels so juvenile lately. Re-reading my crap below from a while ago just makes me feel like an idiot. And I know i don't like Takumi as much as i did Joey,  but i'm beginning to think it's gonna be a while before anybody strikes me the way he did. It's just not going to be him. 

I keep having the urge to say lol...

  10/21/07

 School. The highschool is big, and my problems have grown to match...but in someways they're less mature than before...huh.

Life is just threads. Threads of things, and ideas, and people running through your life. We're all expected to take these threads of living and weave them together, this color there, that color here...But how will we know the pattern will appear? How do we know how to weave them together? Maybe someday we'll look back and see symmetry in the threads and loops we pulled together, or we'll look back and see fraying and loose ends, and wonder how long it'll be before our hopeless attempt at a pattern just falls apart.

I guess i'm kind of miffed/depressed/i dunno.

I sounded like an emo freak up there.

I miss Joey. I wish I had someone I could sit there with and not have to worry about. Because I really sort of don't. But I'm not head over heels for Joey the way I used to be. My heart has too many threads to keep track of without my romance colored one getting in the way.

My parents suck. My mom's kind of a bitch, and my dad...just plain ticks me off. I love them, don't get me wrong. But they don't love them, see? I'm sick of them. They fight all the time, because my mom is a promiscuious whore. I've been denying that for a while. But it's true. And it sucks. My dad can't handle anything anymore. Anything I say he thinks i'm attacking him or something. It's stupid. They think something mental is wrong with my brother, but it's just their terrible parenting. The only reason I'm okay was because when I was young they still got along. Relatively. Never as bad as it is now. My mom, as I said, is a whore. She thinks her life would be so much better w/out my dad. But that's just stupidity. It wouldn't. She'd still be depressed, and she'd still take it out on someone else. She had my dad arrested during an argument once. she tried to get him out of the house, so she called the police and my dad hung the phone up on them. So they came and arrested him. And she was hitting him once...

whatever. they're just stupid morons. And i'm trying not to let they're stupidity get to me anymore. Hence, i tend to spend as little time as possible in my parents house. I really really really wish I lived at Laura's house. Because I love their house. A lot.

Then there's my friends. I love them. To pieces. Which is why I can't stand to see them fighting. Which is why I can't stand to see them hurting themselves. Brooke is starting to really become apart of our little core of friends. But she's obsessed w/ creating drama. I can understand she has problems. Her mom died in 7th grade, so anyone would have something wrong w/ them after that. But that doesn't give her a right to be a freak about everything everybody says. I dunno, she needs to learn to chill.

And chelsea...Chelsea is my best friend. She's been my best friend for the past 13 years. that's a long time. That's a really long time. And we can really connect because her parents had problems, and now they're divorced. But lately...I feel like that's all i have in common with her. Should our long history and lack of normal parents be able to keep us from falling out with eachother? I hope so. Because Chelsea's been acting so weird. She doesn't eat anymore, at least not anything w/ fat in it. So she scarfs down non-fat, a billion pounds of chemicals, shit everyday. It confuses me, and it just makes me so angry when she refuses to eat something because it has 1% fat or something absolutely rediculous like that! She was never fat. Seriously. I was a lot fatter than her when i was in forth grade, but I lost my weight over a long period of time, and in a healthy manner. Just by eating less and excersizing more. Chelsea has taken that to the extreme. A month or two ago, we were at the westchester mall, and she asked if I would buy her an icecream. So we went the frozen yogurt place, and i bought her one, but she absolutely point blanc refused to eat it when we found out that it wasn't non-fat, it was low-fat. That ticked me off. This morning, we went to a diner, and we all (Katie, Laura and I) ordered pancakes and waffles because we hadn't been to a diner in ages, and nobody had really had dinner at laura's yesterday, just a slice of pizza at around 5. But all chelsea ordered was mini-wheats, and she wouldn't even eat it with milk. SHE WOULDN"T EVEN EAT MILK W/ HER CEREAL BECAUSE IT HAD FAT IN IT.

I know that she's going through problems, and I need to be supportive and understanding, but I just can't bring myself to be. What the hell is she doing to her body?? she knows this kind of shit is wrong, or at least i thought she did. We all took the same health class, right?? We all learned the same, "dont be anorexic or you'll kill yourself" thing. Why doesn't she get it? Why can't she just be normal? Why am I so angry with her for having a problem? It's so hypocritical, but i don't even care. I'm sick of her hurting herself. And I'm sick of the way she treats her body. In the ways that she dresses as well. She wears low cut, high riding shirts, refuses to pull them down or up, and kind of just acts like a total slut. We tease her about this, but i don't think she sees the seriousness that's underneath the playfulness. Or maybe she does, but chooses to ignore it. I love chelsea. So much. But I can't understand why she treats her body like this. Like it's something to abuse and show off, and that way, she'll get a boyfriend.

I know she's lonely. Maybe this is my fault. She's doing all of this so she'll get a guy in her life, because she's lonely. Did i do something to shut her out? Make her think she can't trust to tell me anything??? I probably did. Something stupid but meaningful. Small but they add up. I'm tired of problems, I'm tired of drama, but I'm tired of ignoring chelsea's problems.

I don't know. There's too many threads. It feels like I'm making a giant knot out of life.

8/19/07

I have so much to say right now, i don't even have a clue where to begin...

Well, i guess i should start with what finally happened last night. It's 2 months after i met jesse...And i broke up with him last night.

It's a long story, so I'm gonna tell it.

When i went to Greece, (which was fun, but being stuck w/ nothing but your family for 5 weeks is enough to drive anybody crazy) Jesse and I were e-mailing each other like crazy...but i was feeling a little weird about it. And I started thinking about Joey. And I started wondering if i ever really liked Jesse. And I thought about it. For hours. I drove myself crazy sometimes. But i kept telling myself that i was in a great relationship and I shouldn't spoil it because of something that happened between me and a guy a YEAR ago.

So I kept writing quirky little e-mails to Jesse and I kept telling myself this is what I had wanted...

*sigh* But it wasn't.

I took my friends to see Peter Pan at Curtain Call, because my friend Bene (Joey's sister) was Tiger Lily in it. Joey was there. He smiled at me and we hugged kind of awkwardly... and I found I never wanted to let go. Of course, i did. It was a short little hug. But I kept giving him glances and crap all through the night. I couldn't help myself. During one of the intermissions I gave him a tap on the shoulder and pretended it wasn't me, something we had done at Summerstock a lot... and he turned all the way around before he realized it was me. I was laughing and he said, smiling, "I'm gonna kill you..." so I laughed and pulled open the push door (of course) so he laughed at me and I stuck my tongue out and went in.

I realized, after I went home, that it was completely stupid of myself to believe I had ever gotten over Joey. I still had dreams about him, he was still on my mind...a lot. I sat on my bed and thought about how stupid I was for letting all this crap happen to me. And I couldn't take it anymore...

So i logged onto AIM, and there he was. We started talking, making stupid jokes and crap, and finally our conversation started going a little bit like this:

Me: Err...Joey?

him: ?

me: I have to tell you something

him: okay...

me: ...I still like you.

me: a lot.

me: a lot a lot.

him: :-)

him: me too.

him: since summer stock...

me: omg

me: seriously?

me: I'm like, not breathing right now

him:but

me: aha

him: there is an age difference, not a big one, but...

me: You can tell all your friends I'm 34 if that makes you feel better, i don't mind

him: and...I was gone for 2 whole months this summer. I'm really starting to get into acting...And I don't want to have to neglect anybody.

me:oh

him: I'm sorry...but i think that if I'm going to go into a relationship it should be with someone from my own grade...It's going to be a really crazy year...

me: that's...okay. I understand, really.

him: you do?

me: sure...I also find it really sweet that you wouldn't want to neglect me.

him: not just you anybody...

me: right.

me:so...what now then?

him: I don't know...

me: This probably isn't going to help much...

me: but you know, I wouldn't mind it that much if I only saw you like, once every three months, if it came to that.

him: but once every 3 months couldn't really be called a relationship

me: hm...

me: I'm sorry for bringing this up..

him: nonono!

him: if you hadn't, I would have, eventually

him: you have so much more courage than I do..

me: or blatant stupidity

him: noooo

me:lol, it's okay.

me: Well...If you change your mind...I'll be here...

him::-)

him: it's not really change my mind...

him: I just need to know that I'll have time for you.

me:okay

him: I think once the school year starts I'll be able to see that..

me: lol alright.

him: well...I think i'm going to go to bed...

me:okay

me: oh, wait!

him: ?

me: untill time of desciscion, we're still friends right?

him: of course

me: none of that akward crap?

him: no lol

me: okay then

me: night

him: night.

That wasn't exact, but i think you get the picture lol....

so now what? what's a girl to do? I have no idea. I still don't know quite what he wants, or what I want for that matter. But I know that I like him. A lot. More than I've ever liked anybody...

And I couldn't be in a relationship w/ someone, (long distance at that) if I was helplessly in love with someone else, now could I? So the only logical thing to do would be to break it off w/ Jesse and see what happens with Joey. I wasn't getting much out of that relationship anyway, but it was hard. He definetely liked me a lot more that I liked him.

and i felt really bad...

and it was pretty terrible. :(

and I have no idea what Joey's going to say. And It's probably going to be a no. But I girl can dream, right? Plus then I'm completely open for highschool. Something I wanted to be, anyway.

Actually, the first thing I did after that epic little IM conversation was beg my mom to let me get a haircut. And she did. So now I have super short hair and a redish purple streak in my hair. ^.^.

and I showed a picture to joey and he said I looked really good. =D

so that made me happy.

good god...

i feel like i'm on the oc, you know??

*siiiigh*

speaking of the oc,

look for the "dear sister" SNL skit, lmao. so fantastic.

oh..

hm...

what else...

oh,

we're all gonna die in 5 years.

because

a) the mayans predicted that was going to be the end of the world

and b) einstien said the humans will die out 5 years after the bees start to die. Guess what just started to die because our cell phones are screwing up their airwaves?

mmhmm.

that's riight.

looks like we're all gonna die. Well, at least that makes my stupid love life sound not very important at all. so that's all good...

6/26/07

...

*sigh*

...

Jesse.

I told my friends about him. Chelsea seems weirded out by it...and everyone else is like, "oooh" and...whatever.

I miss him.

I think I finally understand Romeo and Juliet. It always confused me how they could have fallen so deep in love after one day. and everything happened so fast between them. I never got it. But...I guess now I do.

It sounds so corny but I feel like i've known him for a long time...We told eachother that that night was it. After the thing in jacobs room (again, akward) we both started freaking out a little bit, and said that it couldn't work out between us. Too much distance and all that. But... we talk everyday. I mean like, every day. Sometimes it's a little akward but once we get going we'll talk for hours untill one of us has to go. and...He's so cute. And so great for me. *sigh*

I wish I could just like...teleport to his town or something. or he could come down here...and...*dramatic sigh*

Blarg.

I don't know what to do. I like this guy. a lot. But seriously, long distance relationships are really, really, REALLY hard.

6/17/07

oh. my. god.

It's going to be so hard to put what happened this weekend in words.

I'll start from the beginning. And i'll try and be as honest as i can w/ myself

which might be hard to do.

So, this weekend we went up to Jacob Moss's Bar Mitzvah (he's a really great family friend, and i hadn't seen him in ages)

And this guy shows up in a red suit and i was just like, "teehee" in my mind. So we talked afterwords and i stole his hat. Then during the after party he had a pink suit on and i stole his pink tie and wore it like, the WHOLE night. We were pretty much flirting and teasing eachother the whole party...And then, after most of the party was over, a bunch of the guys Jacob invited, karen, me, and Jesse (the suit kid) we were all chillin' in his room, listening to pink floyd. And, I'm not exactly sure at what point this happened, but, Jesse ended up lying down on top of me, and my arms, erm, accidentally, ended up around him. *sigh* So, we were pretty much i guess cuddling and laughing together the whole night. And i mean till like, 4 AM. But like...then... I started to fall asleep. (in his arms) and woke up a bit later and he was just staring at me and everyone else was asleep. And...we sorta...just started making out. A couple of times. And It wasn't just making out. we hit like, at least 2nd base, man. And...karen was awake the whole time. because she was there. So..um...akwaaarrddd....

She doesn't know how far we went though, i just told her we kissed. :/

But he lives like, 300 miles away. so there you go. He's a really cute guy and..I like his hair. And...I like his smile. And..I like his eyes. and his cute nerdiness...and the way he looks at me...*cries*

WHY MUST ALL THE PEOPLE I FREAKIN FALL IN LOVE WITH BE SO UNATAINABLE!!!

WHY GODDAMMIT WHY?!?!?!

6/12/07

so, it's been 3 months since I last wrote something in here, and, what can I say? I'm Graduating middle school in 7 days, I've got a million finals and a ton of crap to do before the end of the year, but...you know, it's all good.

or not.

shit.

my mom was just on the phone w/ my grandma, and my aunts in the hospital. 0_0. so much for that mellow mood...

Erm...

on a much lighter note, I'm going to Greece for 5 weeks this summer! Goodbye school blues and hello hot guys and beaches! Reading over what i've written in here, It seems pretty pathetic. Like, me getting all worked up over a guy?? what's up with that? Whatever.

I went to Spain, what, two months ago? that's it? jeeze... Anywho, it was SO much fun... like, AMAZING fun. We went all over the place, and it was all just one big whirlwind of the funnest thing i've ever done. I got a lot closer to emma, sydny and jen during the whole things and made a ton of connections. I didn't come back w/ a spanish boyfriend or anything, as I'd hoped, but that's okay. Spanish guys are all pervs anyway...

After that, we took the school trip to washington, which was just more amazing funness. We totally tore that town apart, seriously. Our grade is crazy. Mr. Shookie, our Assistant principal, even told our whole grade during a grade meeting, that he couldn't wait until our grade graduated. lol, they hate us so much...

Hm..what else....I wrote a speech for Recognition day, it didn't get choosen, but...whatever :) i did my best on it...

I still don't really know what I want to do w/ my life, all I know is that I feel safest and most at home either writing or on stage. Those are the two areas I want to go into. Or, I could go to Ghana and save the world. Yeah. That would be great as well...

Mr. Silvaggi's retiring so our first period class is throwing a party for him this friday, that'll be fun. Mr. Silvaggi's a jackass republican, but he's really funny. Probably my favorite teacher. But he keeps telling us about his republican views on things and...that pisses me off. a lot. You know, if the U.S. was right about going into Iraq because we were going to save the people, then why aren't we going into Ghana? Why aren't we sending our military in to stop the Genocide?? Why aren't we sending our military into Korea? or China? or other places with terrible governments? And yeah, you could claim that we thought there were weapons of Mass destruction, but they were other places too. And that was still no reason to go to war against them. *sigh* whatever...

*hiss*

Henry's been asking me over lately and stuff...he definetly likes me. And...I dunno. I'm not really sure if i like him back or not. Like, I know it would be fun to date him since he's a cute nerd kind of guy, but...I wanna keep my options open, you know?

Speaking of guys...

I'm going to be honest here about Will Baker.

I never hated him.

I almost...almost loved him.

But i couldn't.

my friends were always making fun of him, and...there is the whole stalking thing. Which he DID do, and that creeped me out...

but like...

he loved me.

How can you hate someone who loves you THAT much?

Chelsea and Emma made me write this horrible e-mail to him, where i told him i hated him and never wanted to see him again and that he was a stalker freak and...

I felt terrible about it for weeks. Months actually!

So finally, one day I was like, "Will....I'm sorry." And I thought we could end there.

But then

he asked me out again.

And....

I don't know what came over me. But i said yes. Then I said no. I had no idea what to say. My brain kept flip flopping things around. I...still don't know how I really felt about him. But, I ended up telling him no, but could we still be friends. He said no. He would only take going out. Which i thought was pretty stupid. Anyway, he's out of my life (forever I hope...So confusing...)

I feel really bad for him though....his life sucks so much...He's got like, a rapist father...seriously. His dad raped this girl and was arrested. Then, while on bail and having a restriction order from his mom, moved back into his house, so will moved OUT of his house. And now he lives w/ his guitar teacher. 0_0....

yeah. wow.

Anyway, too much typing. I'm goin to bed...

3/9/07

I've been sick for awhile, since tuesday and I think i'm just getting over it. Too bad I had to be sick on a Friday...everyone's in town and I have to babysit -_-

oh well. Gives me some time to write...

Relient K's new CD came out wednesday, and it's pretty great. Talks about jesus a little too much for my taste, but they've still got their old charm. ^^

yesterday I went home from school sick, and after I called my mom to come pick me up, it took her 45 minutes to get over to the school. I don't know why, but that really ticked me off. Then when she went past home and to a dehli, i don't know, I just started crying... Maybe i've been let down by her too much. Anyway...

I turned in my High School Course Selection sheet a couple weeks ago. I'm really really excited to get the crap out of middle school. Looking at that sheet, and all the courses and stuff was like, deciding my future or something.

A plane just flew by...I paused writing for a second, just to listen to it fly through the air. Ever since 9/11 everytime I hear a plane overhead I get a small fear that it'll come crashing into wherever I happen to be. Dunno... I guess as a Nation we were scarred for life that Day...I was only in third grade too... ah, right, highschool.

I have dreams about highschool practically every day now...kinda when I went into middle school. But i didn't have freaky hormones interrupting my dreams with sex thoughts. :\ But I have been thinking about boyfriends. I feel kind of like...alone right now. Being single was great for about 3 days. Now it's just crap. And i don't even have a crush to think about or anything... ah well. My day will come soon enough. But i have to promise myself not to rush into any relationships. I do that way too often. Well, twice, but the first one was a total asshole and the second one was gay. sooooo... yeah. *shrug* and those are the only "official" relationships I've ever had. Well, there's Joey...but he doesn't exist, remember?

Highschool is going to be a big change for me. I'm going to be thinking about my future, preparing for collage, and preparing for the real world. Maybe I'm just a nerd, but i'm totally excited for that. I want to be a journalist. That would rule. But like...A journalist in a music magazine or something...yeah. that sounds kickass.

I'm not working at arcadia or anything (even though i wanted to) but i'm going to be working at the Gallery. and going to be paid a helluvah lot better than at arcadia. :D so that's gonna rule... umm...hm. what else....

uhh..oh! i signed up for Improv/Comedy class and Photography for my electives. I figure photography will help me out w/ the whole journalist thing (photojournalism or something) and I adore Improv/Comedy.

so yeah!

*raises glass* here's to the future! kuzzah!

2/3/07

^_^

guess what?

for once, i'm not writing in here cause i'm depressed. I'm writing because i think i finally have it all figured out. Relatively.

I went on a skiing trip on thursday with Laura, Katie and Chelsea, and had an awesome time.

right before I left, I applied for a job at Arcadia and/or Just Books Too. I haven't gotten any reply yet, and i probably won't, but it's a start.

I was just re-reading my blog from that other night, and jesus... depression+past 1 o'clock + blog = super melodramatics.

like jeeze...

*sigh* i'm such a drama queen... :/

1/30/07

Um...happy new years? I think I only write on here is when i'm pissed or upset or like...ready to die.

Alright, i have a lot to talk about.

Well, I did this Brigadoon thing, right? at school. It was the 8th grade play (yeah i know, retarted but whatever.) Well...I invited Bene and Joey aannd...neither of them showed up. I mean like, i didn't expect them too. It's just some stupid 8th grade musical, that i didn't even care about in the first place...

But like, since the summer, i went to every single one of Bene's things...and...that's the only thing that i did...

And she doesn't bother going to it? I sat through 4 hours of a crappy high school performance of Romeo and Juliet.

But...maybe the only reason i'm trying to be such good friends w/ her is because of Joey... :( i don't know. I can't figure out anything at the moment.

I auditioned for The Music Man last friday...

guess who got in?

Joey.

guess who didn't?

me.

that little tidbit of info upset me to no end. I was like, bawling my eyes out and everything. Because, it's like, I thought I had done a really good job in the audition! like, even better than i usually do, and i usually get the part. And i wasn't even trying to get a big part or anything...Just fucking chorus...

Aren't I good enough for that?

Aren't i good enough for anything??

I feel like total shit right now. Like, absolute shit. And what even depresses me more is that I can't drag myself to go call up my friends or anything, because like...I feel like none of my friends will give a shit.

and my brothers a fucking asshole. I'm not trying to sound conceeded, or stupid or anything, but i really think the reason i didn't get in is because my fucking siblings would shut the fuck up the whole audition, and mom just had to bring them. And they just had to go and ruin my whole fucking life.

I hate the m sometimes. Like, they wouldn't stop spazzing out!! AND JOEYS IN THE PLAY AND I'M NEVER GOING TO FUCKING SEE HIM EVER AGAIN!!

damn those stupid fuckers! now i'm just pissed off. pissed pissed pissed pissed. that play meant so much more to me than just being in a play. I was looking forward so much to hanging out w/ joey and Bene, because with them and at curtain call is the only place where I ever felt truly myself. But bene doesn't really care about me, and Joey certainly doesn't and i'm beggining to question if he ever did. I'm beginning to wonder if anybody really cares at all. I love my friends, and i think they're awesome, but it's like... I'm always giving them advice, and helping them out but i feel like...

I won't ever get anything back.

Like i'm just the person they can dump all their shit onto, give me a smile and expect me to clean it all up for them.

and i do.

i freakin' do.

And, i don't know. It's never like they've denied me help or anything...but i don't feel like they care. Like, they just don't care. Like nobody cares. I have no idea what i'm going to do with my life. I have no idea where i'm going to go, who to turn to, I just feel so freakin' alone...

I've messed up before. I've gone out with people i didn't even like, i've said stupid things, and i've been in stupid places.

But this doesn't even feel like i could have done anything about it. And that kills me. There's no one to blame. Not even myself.

but

then

it is probably my fault. I wouldn't have been feeling this terrible if i had GOTTEN the fact that Joey hates me and probably did the whole time. He just felt sorry for that poor 13 year old weirdo. Sorry that she can't do anything right, that she's an idiot who can't even see the truth even when it's right in front of her.

all I wanted to do was act. And maybe see joey again. and just be where i thought i belonged. But i guess i don't really belong anywhere anymore. I don't feel at home in my own house, i'm always freaked that my parents are gonna start fighting or blowing a fuse on me, so i'm rarely ever home on the weekends. Then i get yelled at by them for that. I can't stand this house, i can't stand my siblings, and I can't trust my self with my emotions.

Overall:

Life is pretty much shit right now.

Cloud on the silver lining?

umm..... I don't care about what people say about me in school anymore?

but that's probably just a side effect of depression.

7/16/06

*cough gag BLEH* oh god...I'm sick. sick sick SICK. And i think i'm going to go crawl in a hole and die.

So, anyway, I saw Joey again. and yeah, definatly not over him. AND he DOESN'T live far away!! HE'S WALKING DISTANCE FROM MY HOUSE! AND

I

NEVER

KNEW!!!

*dies* He was helping backstage at his sister's talent show, and we were talking and crap, and we got a whole group together and went up to the bar (hehehe) and chilled and acted like the total retards that we are. I stabbed some nachos, Joey was funny, Bene was cool, Lexa was crazy and wouldn't stop singing random songs, and this girl that i met there, Chelsea, was making fun of people's shirts. B-) overall a really fun night.

But, anyway, i just realized i havn't even TALKED about my Will Baker predicament. He's never going to read this, so it doesn't matter that i write this on the internet:

okay. he stalks me. ALL THE TIME!!!

He's in love with me, and has told me so, oh, only about 2,759,375,539,475,834 times. And i've been like, "no" about 2,759,375,539,475,834 times. but, unfortunatly, i don't like being mean to people, so i can't get rid of him. HE NEVER LEAVES MY HOUSE!!!

okokokokok... like, yesterday, i was really sick too, and i even called him and told him NOT TO COME TO MY HOUSE. but, of course, he came ANYway....and i was all "Will, just get out of here. I'm sick. wtf do you want from me?!?!" and he was all, "*uber deep voice* I want to hang with you..." so i said, "WILL BAKER GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" and, of course, he didn't.

he didn't leave till 7:00. HE CAME OVER AT 1!!!!!!

THAT'S 6 HOURS WILL!! WHAT THE HELL!?!

I've had worse before too. Once, he was over here for 12 HOURS STRAIGHT! I'M NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING!!!

Will baker:

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!

hey,

you know what would make a really good song title?? "Welcome to my world; Now get out." hehhehehe....B-) booh-ya.

So, since i'm sick and coughing and gagging Sputum all over the place, I've been watching the travel channel all day, because the food chanel makes me wanna barf. And...NOW I REALLY WANT TO GO TO ITALY/HAWAII/SPAIN/FRANCE/CAPE COD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! take me....TAKE ME!!!!!!

*dies again*

oh,

and i'm having my period. -_- talk about worst weekend ever...

7/10/06

3 weeks later...See? i told you. I hate keeping up a blog. Well, it's 1:23 AM, and I'm up listening to the Cat's Don't Dance soundtrack. ^_^ I've decided i'm going to give up on Joey. He's too old for me, being in high school in all. And plus he's...far away. and i never see him. And i don't want to date anyone in school. It gets annoying and pointless, and people are always so nosey. *sigh..* I can't wait 'till high school when no one cares what anyone else is doing. That's gonna be great. blaaarrggg...

Anyway, I'm not sure i'm totally over joey yet (hense, i just used one of his favorite phrases: blarg) Stuff people say still makes me think of him.......actually, MOST stuff people say make me think of him...and it's like...confusing. Love can be super confusing sometimes. Why do our hearts always go after the people we know we can't have? blech. The unatainable desire of it i suppose. Stupid human condition...

So has anyone read that book Twilight?? i love that book to peices....Henry won't loan me the sequel cause he's a poo...so i'm-a have to go eat his brains. but yeah. Who am I talking to? no one is here but me. And yet i still write properly. I'm like that, i've noticed. I'm like...a lot of things. I notice a lot of things about myself and other people. I can pick up peoples feelings really easily and crap....Cant we write crap like this for English or something? it would be easy.

oh, wow, i didn't even talk about Brighton Beach Memories....

Joey was absolutely amazing, of course. After the show i was hangin' with him and his sister, and he was being really adorable and funny and cute and amazing and I'm supposed to get over this guy??? this is going to be tough. I think he was flirting with me. You can never be sure with guys like these...but in camp, he always gave me that little extra attention...that made me happy.

ahh...i'm shivering right now...it's freakin' freezing. good night...i'm going to sleep.

16/9/06

Hi.

I'm monika.

and i'm typing on a keyboard right now, trying to think of something vaugly funny to say, but the only thing going through my mind right now is how in one hour, i'll be on my way to seeing Joey Cordaro perform as the lead roll in Brighton Beach Memories.

Don't know who he is?

that's okay.

He's just this guy i'm in love with.

This is on a notepad, because i don't really like keeping up blogs, but i like...typing...them....

So this is just where i'm going to type crap. if you happened upon this, good for you. and hi. how are you? Do you find this boring? here's a game to play while I talk about shit that you don't care about:

anyway, now that we got that out of the way, I love Joey. Or, at least i think i do.

The basic story is that We went to camp together, i got a crush on him, and he got a crush on me. I confessed on the last day of camp, and he said he liked me too. After that- nothing. We didn't do anything. He hinted (well, said it out bluntly. but whatever.) that he wanted us both to move on, but my heart, being the stubborn freakish asshole that it is, refused. I'm still madly in love with the guy, and continue to persue him online. I don't usually talk this weird, but i'm in the mood for some highly constructed sentances, so there you go.

Anyway, problem is, there's this guy at school. Okay, two guys. Okay, four.

I'm fairly certain two of them like me, I know one boy likes me (he told me so) and i think another guy likes me.

This confuses me.

I don't want to date them.

or do i?

because i find myself flirting uncontrollably with all four of them whenever i see them. My friends are always rolling there eyes at me, like, "oh god monika, will you knock it off already?? quit leading guys on."

So I don't know what MY problem is.