SOME OF THESE JOKES MAY BE OFFENSIVE but really, who cares?  Just lighten up a little and have some fun you’ll probably live longer and you’ll definitely have more fun.  

Also they are in a totally random order.

There are little “tidbits” that are not jokes and may be bits of wisdom or may not be, you decide.

 

 

"Desparation is the world's worst cologne"

A husband shopping center (Husband Mart) has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: ‘Floor 1 - These men have jobs.’

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: ‘Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.’
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor r sign reads: ‘Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.’
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: ‘Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.’
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: ‘Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.’
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: ‘Floor 6 - You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day.’

 

 

• Lawyer’s 4-Day Express Degree

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
“I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?”

“It’s fifty thousand dollars,” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon – why do you want to become a lawyer?”

“That’s my business - get me the course!”

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end for him. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?”

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last breath, the old man said, “One less lawyer.”

 

 Pulled over

•  a man is driving at 100 mph and zipping in out of traffic, not suprisingly he gets pulled over by a cop.  The cop asks him "sir Have you been drinking?"The driver says "why do you ask is there a fat girl in my car?"

 

10. North of the equator, water goes down the drain counter clockwise.

 

 

10 Inch Bic

 

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

__________________

 

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

We want to make good time, but for us now this is measured with emphasis on ``good'' rather than ``time'' and when you make that shift in emphasis the whole approach changes. < xml="true" ns="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" prefix="o" namespace="">

 

 

 I don't know but I've been told it's hard to run with the weight of gold...

..on the other hand  I've heard I've heard it said it's just as hard with the weight of lead.

 

 

 

Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.

-winston churchill

Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.

-george santayana

 

Why are men like lenolium?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for forty years.

 

If every word were to be treated as a dollar,  I think we would all speak less,  listen more.

Subject: Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

 

 

 

 "A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
-W.C. Fields

" 

Quote of the Week:  “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”   

                                           Fraqncois Duc de La Rochefoucauld 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old Poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a near by tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story...

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

 

 "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
-His reply

 

 

"Everybody has to believe in something.....I believe I'll have another drink."
-W.C. Fields

you don't have to see the whole staircase just the first step. MLK

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
-Benjamin Franklin

During class, a teacher was trying to teach good manners.
The teacher asks the students:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
"Just a minute, I have to go piss."
"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
" I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

 

 

"He was a wise man who invented beer."
-Plato

 

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often
as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

 

 “The difference between fiction and reality?  Fiction has to make sense.”    Tom Clancy

 

 "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
-Henny Youngman

 

Saturday morning a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and head down to his favorite fishing area.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."

 

 

 

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
"The moral of this story is:
"Always keep your condoms in your car."

 

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

 

                  

A preist and a rabbi are eating lunch together one day. The priest looks up from eating and says to the rabbi "Let's go screw a little boy." The rabbi replies "Outta what?"

 

 

 

 

"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."
Sigmund Freud

 

 

What is the  difference between ignorance and apathy?...I don't know and I couldn't care less

 

In 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The
doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt
better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a
minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who
is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was
going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up
his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a
prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and
went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over
dead. What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say
somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor
replied, "My point exactly."

 

>> A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
>> girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did
>> Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop
>> looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety
>> violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of
>> it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there
>> sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The
>> little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes
>> underneath the horse, not on top.h

 

No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her.

 

 

Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

  

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
--Rod Stewart

 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams       

 

to find an honest man ask him if he’s always honest and if he says yes you know you haven’t found one.   Marx (Groucho)

 

  

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want.
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

 

 

Ways to Happiness

 what does gettting head from whoopie goldberg and climbing a mountain have in common? In both cases you should never look down.

 

This morning I woke up with a spider in my bed.  I said to my self  "Man I must've been really drunk last night." 

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears," he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
When they got there, and little Johnny looked in the crib, he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."
"Can he see?" asked Little Johnny. "Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great," said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be shit outta luck if he needed glasses."

 

 

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you
wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.
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Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women only think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this;
it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

 

 

“Keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.”  Robert Babson

 

 

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Sir Winston Churchill

 

"Unless it's fatal it's no big deal" john pelizza

 

 

Einstein Qoutes

"Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."

"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."

"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

"The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker."

 

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. -Abraham Lincoln

 

 

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
...Benjamin Franklin

 

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

 

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

 

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

 

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

 

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

 What’s the difference between worry and panic?

About 28 days.

 

A husband just gets  in the front door after a day of work and  is immediately greeted by his wonderful wife.  Before she gets a chance to say anything he says "quick,  please get me a beer, before it starts."   She grabs him a beer, which he opens and drinks right down.  He turns to her and says again " QUICK! QUICK get me a beer, before it starts!" She again gets him a beer reluctantly, which he inhales.   He turns to her and says  "OH MY GOD QUICK!, QUICK grab me a beer before it starts!!!!"  
She hesitantly goes to the fridge and retrieves him a beer but just as she is about to give it to him she says "You know I am stuck in this house all day cleaning, making you dinner, while your at work having fun all day. I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT..."  He interrupts her and says "Never mind it's already started."

 

   
CHINESE PROVERBS
"Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano.
Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
"Man who sleep in cat house by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it."
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."
"Man who farts in church sits in own pew."
"Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion."
"Crowded elevator smells different to midget"