Weddings. eh? How exciting! What an opportunity for frolics and light hearted fun, right? WRONG! This is an operation planned down to the last millisecond with military precision. Remember, you're not here to enjoy yourselves.

The itinerary for the day runs thusly:

• 11:30: Ceremony

We're really sorry that we can't invite everyone to the ceremony. And, in a departure from the usual run of events, apologies too to those who are; there's a strict limit the number of people who we can fit into the hall, and we're already well over that number. It might be a squeeze.

• Midday: Photographs

A unique opportunity to take pictures of the two least photgraphed people in the country.

OR...

• The Braintree Con Club

For those of use who have seen enough photos of the adorable couple beaming smugly from amongst the begonias, the Braintree Conservative Club has kindly thrown open its doors to all-comers. This might also be a last chance to stock up on food before the drinking begins in earnest. Coaches leave the Con Club at 13:15 sharp. This is important.

• 2:15pm: Reception Begins. Wickham Bishops Village Hall

The village of Wickham Bishops (hereafter known as Wicky Bicky) nestles sleepily in the Essex countryside, untouched by the passage of time and oblivious to the hurly burly of modern living. The guide book doesn't say whether they've ever been descended upon by a coachload of scousers either but we can probably assume not.

On a not entirely unrelated note, we've been told that the people who live in the houses that border the Village Hall are some of the country's leading donuts, and we've been told that there are a couple of areas around the Hall that we can't eat, drink or smoke in. There will, inevitably, be signs to point these out.

• 4pm: Dinner is served

You did remember to tell us what food you wanted, didn't you? Pork, Beef, Chicken or Veg are the options. If you haven't told us, it'll be Air Pie and Windy Pudding.

We may upload a table plan ahead of time so that you can gasp with dismay at your table mates. There again, we may not.

• 6pm: Speeches

We've said all along that anyone who wants to get up and speak may do so - with the small proviso that you tell either the Bride or Groom WELL BEFOREHAND.

Conversely, if anyone wants to prevent someone from making a speech, we're open to financial enticements with minimum donations of, say, £20. Make cheques payable to either the Bride or Groom or bring cash on the day.

• 6:45pm: Cake Cutting, First Dancing, Bar Opening and General Fol-de-rol.

Ad Lib to fade.

• 11:30: Bar Closed, Thanks for coming, etc.

Some enforced quiet time in study of the question, "Haven't you got homes to go to?"

The coach will only be taking home those who arrived on it - so book a taxi if you're not down to be on it.