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Come Laugh With Us!
If you know a joke or two, send it to Dino at Dinsu2@aol.com and we will publish it.
From November 2009 ICO Newsletter: Wives God Bless Them A husband and wife went to see the doctor because her husband was very ill. After having checked the patient, the doctor called the wife aside and told her what he had found about her husband. He said to her “your husband is very ill but he is in no danger of dying so long as you would take care of him”. Cook his favorite meals, don’t let him do heavy work let him sleep as long as he wants, do his laundry, give him massages, do all he asks. If you do this after a year or so your husband will be completely cured. In the car, on the way home the husband asked the wife what did the doctor say? She said… you are going to die.
Sex after Death A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word he made the first contact. ‘Ivy...Ivy’ Is that you Richard? Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed. That’s wonderful! What is it like? Well I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, is back to the golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some needed sleep and the next day it starts all over again. Oh, Richard, you surely must be in heaven! Not exactly…I am a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.
Italian Secret for a Long Marriage At Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your Wife for your 50th anniversary? Giuseppe replied, I’ma gonna go get her” From October 2009 ICO Newsletter: Better than Ham? A priest and a rabbi had been friends for many years. One evening over a cup of coffee the priest turned to the rabbi and said, “My friend, we’ve known each other for a long time, and there’s something I’ve always wondered. Have you ever tasted ham?” “Well,” said the rabbi, looking a little sheepish, “I must admit, when I was a very young man and curious, I tasted some ham. Now tell me, my old friend, the rabbi said, there’s something I’ve always wondered. Have you ever been with a woman? “My friend,” answered the priest “I must confess, when I was a young man, before I entered the priesthood, yes, I was with a woman.” The rabbi smiled at the priest and said, “It’s better than ham, isn’t it?”
Tommy goes into a confessional and says, “Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman. ”The priest says, “Is that you, Tommy?” “Yes, Father, it is I.” “Who was that woman you were with?” “I cannot tell you, Father, for I do not wish to ruin her reputation.” “Was it Brenda?” “No, Father.” “Was it Fiona?” “No Father.” “Was it Ann?” “No, Father.” “Very well, Tommy. For your penance go say five Our Fathers and four Hail Mary’s.” Tommy goes back to his pew, and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, “What happened?” Tommy says,” I got five Our Fathers, and four Hail Mary’s, and three good leads.”
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m eighty years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two eighteen year old girls. Both of them twice.” The priest says,” Well my son, when was the last time you were at confession?” “Never, Father, I’m Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “I’m telling everybody!”
From September 2009 ICO Newsletter:
Pearly Gates The guy replies, “I am Joe Choen, taxi driver, of Las Vegas.” St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven. “The taxi driver goes into heaven with his robe and staff, and it is the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of St. Mary’s for the last forty-five years.” St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.” “Just a minute,” says the minister. That was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and a golden staff. How can this be?” “Up here, we work by Results,” says St. Peter.
Can I Have A Penny? A man was praying to God. He said, “God?” God responded, “Yes?” And the guy said, “Can I ask a question?” “Go right ahead,” God said. “God what is a million years to you?” God said, “A million years to me is only a second.” “Humm,” the man wondered. Then he asked, “God what is a million dollars worth to you?” God said, “A million dollars to me is as a penny.” So the man said, “God, can I have a penny?” And God said, “Sure!...Just a second.
From June 2009 ICO Newsletter:
Expressions and how they originated: Bet you didn’t know this. In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ship and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannons, but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to each cannon. There was only one problem. How to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metalplate called a “Monkey” with 16 round indentations. But, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make “Brass Monkeys”. Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, was born the expression, “Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey”.
And This One: In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board was folded down from the wall and used for dinning. The “head of the household” always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Once in a while, a guest (who was almost always a man) would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal.
To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. Sitting in the chair, one was called the “Chairman”. Thus, was born the expression… “Chairman of the Board.” From May 2009 ICO Newsletter: The Successful Attorney A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop reply, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!” “OH MY GOD!!!” screamed the lawyer. “MY ROLEX”.
Three Guys Die and Go to Heaven: Three guys die and end up at the gates of Heaven talking to St Peter. “So, cheat on your wife?” Peter asks the first man, “how many times did you?”
“Never, I had a perfect marriage”. “Great,” says Peter “You get to cruise around Heaven in a Mercedes.
And you, “how many times did you cheat on your wife? “Only twice, I think,” says the second man. “Okay, you get to cruise around Heaven in a Cadillac.
And you, “how many times did you cheat on your wife?” 12 or 13 times maybe, said the third man. “Okay,” says Peter. You get to go around in a rusty Ford.
Later that day, the man in Cadillac sees the man in the Mercedes crying and asks him what’s wrong? “I just say my wife.” “So”.
“She was riding a skateboard”. From April 2009 ICO Newsletter:
Perfume
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
When you've been married too long...
From March 2009 ICO Newsletter:
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instructions of the Mother Superior are that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. “Who is it?” calls one of the nuns. “Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into their room, they open the door. “Nice gazongas,” says the man. “Where do you want these blinds?” A married couple walks up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny. The wife decides to make a wish too, but she leans over too far, and falls into the well and drowns. The guy says, “Wow, it really works.” A Scottish man heads for home after spending the whole night in a bar drinking. He was carrying his little Scotch bottle in the left shirt pocket just in case he wanted another drink. Suddenly a robber appears and threatens him with a gun. The Scot gets scared, and the attacker shoots and then runs away. The Scot falls down, puts his hand on his left pocket and feels something wet. He cries, “Oh my God! I hope it’s blood.” From February 2009 ICO Newsletter:Skin Transplant Surgery A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all this was a delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty.
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you”.
“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A husband’s moment of realization
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said “you know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?
“What dear?” She asked gently. “I think you bring me bad luck From January 2009 ICO Newsletter:You Know You're Italian When: · Your grandfather had a fig tree · You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00 · Plastic on the furniture is normal · You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you · Your mom's meatballs are the best · You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners · There are more than 28 people in your bridal party
One Wish A Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "God, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice God said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to." God said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
From December 2008 ICO Newsletter: Italian Boy's Confession?
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The Priest asks, 'is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'and who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation' well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
From November 2008 ICO Newsletter: For all of us who are seniors, for all of you who know seniors, and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are.
Where is my Sunday paper? The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was. “Ma’am”, said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday…the Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.” There was quite along pause on the end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition…as she was heard to mutter “well crap!!... so that’s why no one was at church today”.
An old man and an old woman were talking about their love making days of when they were young. The old man said “do you remember, when we were young, we made love right there against that fence?” The little old lady said “yeah… those were the days. I remember them well”. We were young then. The little old man said “Let’s go over there and let us try it again for old time sake”. Good idea said the little old lady. So they both made their way to the fence. In the mean time a young man was watching and listening to what they were saying. His curiosity got the best of him. So he hid behind a tree and watched the two old folks make love while leaning against the fence. The little old lady lift up her skirt and the old man dropped his trousers and started making passionate love. All of a sudden they started to shake violently moaning and making all kinds of noises and then they both dropped to the ground. The young man was impressed. So he rushed over to them and said “Wow, that was great”. How do you do it? What is your secret. I really would like to know. “Well… said the old man, when we was young the fence did not have electricity to it”. From October 2008 ICO Newsletter:
Italian Math Test An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here’s your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Italian says, "datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees. "What’s this?" Says the boss. "Aver you got no brain says the Italian? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," "fair enough," says the boss. "Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.” The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere a you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" The Italian says…"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's a dirty tree, and a dirty tree, and a dirty tree. Datsa 99." The boss is getting worried now that he's actually going to have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came alonga, he crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, a dirty tree and a turd, and a dirty tree and a turd……datsa makea one hundred. So, whena I gonna start?” From September 2008 ICO Newsletter: Italy and the Rest of Europe Submitted by Joe LaRocca and John DiMaggio. A couple of guys take a clever look at living in Italy and the rest of Europe. Log in to the Internet and type in the address below: http://tcc.itc.it/people/rocchi/fun/europe.htm
A Successful Italian Marriage Secret At St Mary’s Catholic Church they have a weekly husband’s marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Luigi (it’s always Luigi), who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, “well, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best of all is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary”. The priest responded: “ Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here”. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary. Luigi proudly replied, “I’m a gonna go and get her”. From June 2008 ICO Newsletter: My Private Part Died Today
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my private part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas again?"
Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."
Unbutton Your Shirt
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too.' From May 2008 ICO Newsletter: NEVER TICK OFF A NURSEA big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed.....
From April 2008 ICO Newsletter: SpaghettiFor several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey”, she said, “you received a very strange post card today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turn white, and fainted. On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce”.
The UrologistDan went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he told the doctor, "Don't laugh!" "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years “I’ve never laughed at a patient”. "Okay then," Dan said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than triple A battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Dan replied ...
From March 2008 ICO Newsletter: The Asylum During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized".
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “ A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or teacup.” “No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?” Medicare The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello”. ""Mrs. Sanders, please." " Speaking."
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now
What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.”
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
From February 2008 ICO Newsletter: The Young Italian A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No”.
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. When the love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to out last him, the young man reaches for the woman again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climaxed simultaneously. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian."
What do you call a guy from India who sweats a lot? “A Cashmeir Sweater”.
From January 2008 ICO Newsletter: Big Date Martha and Edna, two senior Italian widows, are talking. Martha: That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date…I know, you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer. Edna: “Well…I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm and dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. He brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a beautiful car…a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner, marvelous dinner – Lobster. Then we go see a show…let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!” Martha: “Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him??” Edna: “No, no, no…I’m just saying, wear an old dress!” My Son? An old man was sitting on a bench in the park. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was starring. The young man finally said sarcastically. “What the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?” Without batting an eye, the old man replied. “ Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you was my son. From December 2007 ICO Newsletter: Italian Customs Officers Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman says, not believing what he is hearing. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law".
The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come". "He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".
From November 2007 ICO Newsletter: An Old Italian Man went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well."
Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. “How old was your Dad when he died?”
"Who said my Dad's dead?”
The doctor is amazed "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"
“He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."
“Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.” “How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?" Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 11 8 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
From October 2007 ICO Newsletter: At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after the wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected “Knock” on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Wally. Again he is ready for more “action“.
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, and you guessed it, Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more action. And, once again they enjoy each other.
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: You mean I was here already?
The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.
From September 2007 ICO Newsletter: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment
Grandpa
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your privates are out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“This is your grandma's idea.”
From June 2007 ICO Newsletter: Super Bowl Seats!
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
From May 2007 ICO Newsletter: Italian Anisette Cookies
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man.
Mastering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
“Get outa here!” she shouted, “They are for the funeral!”
From April 2007 ICO Newsletter: A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades.
From March 2007 ICO Newsletter: Bill, a farmer, wants to have his sow mated. About a mile from his house lives Joe, another farmer, friend of his who has a pig. So in the morning Bill put his sow in a wheel barrel and wheels it down to Joe‘s farm.
Joe told Bill to leave the sow with him and to come and get her back that evening. When Bill came to pick up his Sow, he asked Joe if it worked out. Joe said I think so but if it did not, to bring her back again. Then Bill asked Joe how can he tell if it took or not. Joe said. In the morning look out in the field and if you see the sow rolling in the mud - It took. If instead you see her eating - it did not and you will need to bring her back.
In the morning Bill looked out in the field to see what was the sow doing. The sow was eating. So Bill put the sow back in the wheel barrel and wheeled her back to Joe.
This went on for a whole week. Monday morning, Bill, very tired and very disappointed asked his wife to check on the sow and let him know what was the sow doing. The wife went out and when she came back Bill asked: is she rolling in mud or eating? The wife said: The sow is sitting in the wheel barrel.
From February 2007 ICO Newsletter: Speaking a second language helps.
From November 2006 ICO Newsletter: A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You have to let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
From October 2006 ICO Newsletter: Maude and Claude, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered that they enjoyed each other's company.
From September 2006 ICO Newsletter: A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.
She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish " |