Christmas had started early this year.
Eff
had rushed in towards the end of November, flourishing a piece of paper
in her hand, and waving it energetically in the direction of the
garden, where Ron was fighting a losing battle with his large hedge,
had cried out "Ron, come quickly and have a look, I've solved our
problems for at least this year! No unexpected visitors, no Marquis, no
Dutch, no French, no family - just Donald, Mickey and Minnie and Pluto,
and a few others!"
"What the hell is she going on
about" wondered Ron, who had had many experiences of Eff's "arranging"
things in his life, and had learnt to become a little bit sceptical.
Pushing
aside the hedge where he had hoped to stay undiscovered for about a
month (until just after the Noel festivities, at least) he stuck his
head out, narrowly avoiding the pet family fox, who had come out of his
lair, to chase the pet miniature pig, belonging to the neighbour, which
spent all it's existence in Ron & Eff's back garden.
"My God", thought Ron, "things are getting off to a great start!"
Avoiding
the various little packets of natural fox and pig manure, he wended his
way back to the house, to be immediately assaulted by Eff!
With her hands around his neck, she whispered in his ear "Sugar, I've got it!"
Now
this disturbed our Ron, because he didn't fancy catching whatever it
was she had, and anyway, he didn't know where she had got it from! He
took a couple of steps backwards, and said "No Eff, our last Saturday
bath night was so long ago that it can't possibly be showing
consequences now!"
"Oh you are so silly, my treasure" gurgled Eff into her man's ear, "I mean that I've won it!"
"Oh my lord," thought Ron"how much has, or is, this going to cost me?"
Being the stoic type, and with years of experience, he said nothing, and waited for the inevitable pouring out of the news.
"Well,"
stuttered Eff in her excitement, "you remember I told you that
Sainsbury's were organizing a Christmas lottery, free, with the main
prize a trip for two for the Christmas period, to Disneyland?"
"Very vaguely" said Ron, "but you're always filling in bits of paper, while I do the shopping!"
"Good bloody job I did," retorted Eff," I've won it!!"
END OF PREFACE ----   >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
 Eff leaned back, stretched, and emitted a contented little sigh.
"You
know, Ron," said she,"It's not all bad using this Chunnel train. At
least you can relax as well, and I don't have to keep turning the maps
upside down, 'cos you don't know where we are!"
Ron, reflecting
on his position, simply said nothing. He knew that he always knew where
he was, even when the map was upside down, he knew that when he was
aiming in the direction of Southern France, signs for Paris and other
northerly areas, like Brussels, were not what he wanted to see on the
roadside signs, despite what Eff said- ("must be a shortcut, love").
Now,
of course, due to his newly installed car satellite direction system, he
had no such problems, and he presumed (reasonably) that even this
bloody Chunnel train between Britain and Paris had tracks which led to
the destination required.
"All roads lead to Rome," he thought, and
then decided that if Eff had been the train driver, that probably would
have been the case, even for the London-Paris chunnel express! The
thought frightened him, because he suddenly realised that he didn't
know the driver, and his wallet was full of French Francs, not Italian
Lire, all left over from previous trips.
"No," he decided, "not even British Railways could get this one wrong!"
He
fingered his old French Franc banknotes, and wondered if he would be
able to get rid of them, somewhere. Maybe an unsuspecting Asian tourist
(they said that Disneyland was full of them) or a Dutchman, wound up on
"wacky-backy", (that would give him the most pleasure). In any case, it
didn't really matter, he had the other wallet, full of these funny
things, called Euros, which he wasn't too sure would work!
"Good job
we decided to take advantage of my tombola win at Sainsbury's, Ron, and
use the train tickets, rather than taking our car. See, you can really
relax, can't you sugar?"
"Yes, Eff, but I can't get my mind used to going to France without my golf clubs.
I've always had my golf clubs with me, and I feel kind of lonely without them!"
"Ron
- you don't even know if there's a golf course in Disneyworld, and it
IS only for a week or so!" said Eff, throwing a quick look upwards, to
make sure that Ron hadn't smuggled a club or two into their luggage.
"No golf course," exploded Ron,"It's a bloody American thing isn't it? Can you imagine no golf course?"
"Anyway,
sugar, relax - enjoy your train trip, no hassle, no getting stuck in
the middle of nowhere, with just a British Railways sandwich as supper,
and that in the middle of France, like the last time," retorted Eff
(who was looking forward to a week of refound amourous adventures with
Ron, on the sacred soil of France, which always seemed to make him
friskier).
No sooner had she said that, than the train suddenly slowed, screeched to a halt, and a total silence reigned.
"Christ,
Eff," said Ron,"We're about 300 feet under the Channel, in a bloody
tunnel, and the train's broken down. I hope that Marquis fellow wasn't
right about his Terrorist attacks theory, you know - on Ferries and
Tunnels and things! Thinking about it, I wonder when he is going to
turn up, like the bad penny, in this year's Christmas holiday! Can I
have one of our sandwiches, please, while we wait for something to
happen?"
"Oh Ron," whispered Eff,"you know he does mean well, and
anyway, Disneyworld isn't quite the place I could imagine Mr le
Marquis, at anytime, let alone Christmas - he's too distinguished!"
She passed Ron a nicely prepared sandwich, with the crusts cut off, just as he liked them.
"Yeah,
maybe you're right, Eff," said Ron,"But I didn't like the way he looked
at you last holiday's - those bloody Aristocrats are capable of
anything, you know!"
Eff just giggled into her sandwich, and
watched, hypnotised, as Ron put the sandwich into his mouth, at the
very instant that the train took a jolt forward, forcing the salad
cream up his nostrils, and leaving a piece of water cress stuck on the
end of his nose. She watched, fascinated at the upward, sideways
movement of this piece of cress as Ron munched and said - "That's better, at least
we'll miss the high tide above us - lovely sandwich, Eff!"
Ron continued, together with his piece of cress:
"You know, Eff,
this could all turn out all right, with a bit of luck we'll miss out on
the kids, the cooking, the presents, the clearing up and all the rest
of it. No Marquis, no Dutch, no bloody Frogs - except them serving us
in the hotel - could be a bit of all right, and all for free. What did
you buy, anyway, to get the 1st prize?"
"Well Ron - actually it was
something I wouldn't normally buy, but since I wasn't sure about
Christmas, and who would be coming and all the rest, I saw this special
offer of frozen Turkey, and I thought - well, it wouldn't harm, just to
have one in the freezer, just in case. That's what took me over the
limit and got me a second chance in the tombola, and here we are!"
"Why
didn't you buy something else that I love, like some snails, or frogs
legs, or prepared chicken gizzard salad - we probably would have won
the trip to Florida," muttered Ron,"and I could have taken my golf
clubs!"
"Now listen, Ronston," said Eff - (Eff only used Ron's full
christian name in critical circumstances, and Ron wisely NEVER replied).
So the trip went on, the train came out of the Chunnel, making everybody blind for a few moments.
"I've
never understood that," said Ron,"It's only a couple of miles under
water, but when you come out of the tunnel, the sun is always shining -
unless you're on the way back!"
"Probably the Marquis arranges all
that for us, Ron - you know how much he likes to try and take care of
things," said Eff, mischievously, knowing how much the simple mention
of Mr le Marquis upset Ron.
"Oh sod him, we've arrived Eff, we're
nearly there, and I haven't seen hide nor hair of a Frenchman, a
Dutchman or even a bloody Marquis! This holiday could be a belter! They
don't have chimneys in the rooms at the hotel, do they? If they do, I'm
having the thing blocked up!"
So
there they were, our two lovers and heros, happy as larry, almost arrived at
the wonderworld of Disney, and Ron still had this fascinating piece of
water cress stuck on the end of his nose, looking all the world like
something out of a Disney cartoon.
Eff wondered what would happen when Goofy arrived to welcome them at the entrance!
But that will all be in Part II - later in this Christmas month of December 2006!
"I'm so ashamed, Ron," said Eff."How could you let yourself be taken like that?" "Well.
Eff, it all started with that piece of cress stuck on my nose. They
took me for an elf, or something else in Santa's group. I didn't have a
chance to say anything. I've never heard anything so daft - Santa
speaking French! Everybody knows he speaks English anyway! Not even the
rest of his elf's and fairies and all the rest were any use either- all bloody French!
Anyway, it doesn't matter, we're here, it's Christmas - let's try and
enjoy it, Eff! Mind you, I did think it was going a bit far to try and
get me to climb up on that bloody Santa's lap. I know they were trying
to make up for their mistake, but even so!" "I
know, my love," crooned Eff,"and did you see the sparkle in that
Santa's eyes at the thought? I've seen that look somewhere else, but I
can't place it". "Right then, Eff.
Where are we going to start? Throw me that brochure thing over, will
you, and let's see what we can do now we're here". "Well,
I thought we could just start by having a little lie down, just for
half an hour or so, after the journey and all that", said Eff,
hopefully, looking desperately for that other gleam in her husband's
eyes. "WHAT!" said Ron, in a firm
and forceful manner (he knew what that little "lie down" meant),"We've
only got about 4 days in this place, and everybody kept telling me that
there was an enormous amount of things to do and see, apart from our
bedroom. We'll see that soon enough, anyway!" "All
right, Ron", said Eff, not really too disappointed,"Why don't we start
with that big castle thing - that's the fairy tale castle, I think,
isn't it. Ron?" "Well, Eff",
replied Ron, who was very well informed on these matters, "Actually
it's the replica of a castle somewhere in Germany, that a barmy German
King built, years ago". "Oh well,"
said Eff," All those Germans are barmy anyway. Did you see them getting
their towels and stuff onto the loungers around the Swimming Pool? Like
it belonged to them! I'll sort them out when I go down, don't you
worry!" "Listen, Eff, I don't want any friction this holiday".
At this Eff started to cry, and Ron realised what he had said.
"Tell
you what- We'll go and have a quick look at the castle, then we'll take
a quick tour around, and see if there isn't some Golf or something,
then it'll be time for Dinner, and afterwards we can come back to our
room," said Ron - well knowing he was letting himself in for a torrid
time, but he knew from experience it was the best way of blocking up
the tear ducts, which he never had been able to support anyway. 
"Oh, that sounds great,Ron, but you won't drink too much at supper, will you my love?"
"Eff - we're on holiday, it's not supper, we DINE on holiday", said our hero, and slendered away, with his moll adoringly clinging onto his arm.
*********************************************************************
"The castle was quite good, wasn't it, Eff", said Ron over his plate, later in the restaurant. "Oh
Ron - it was so lovely, with that poor little girlie, all alone in that
little room, right up in that turret thing, and that monster of a
Marquis fellow trying to have his foul way with her. Mind you, it all turned
out all right in the end, what with Santa coming down that little
chimney and rescuing her! What's the matter, dear?" Ron
had evaporated in a bout of spluttering and coughing, the result of a
mixture of the words "Marquis" - "Santa" - "Chimney" and the reference
to "foul way" because he knew now what was expected of him after dinner! Getting his breath back rapidly, he managed to stutter something about "crazy" and "golf" rounded off with "schroumphs".
Happily,
Eff knew what he wanted to say, and replied"Yes, some crazy golf will
do for you this Christmas- you don't need your clubs, it's a lot
shorter, so you'll be less tired afterwards, and I could come and play
around a bit with you - if you like!" "Eff- stop making all this double-dutch stuff- I know my duties, my pet!" "Ron
- talking about Dutch - I thought I saw some of Wackie's daughter in
that young girl in the turret - didn't you think she looked like her?" "Oh
Gawd, Eff - leave off about all that, will you, please! There's no
Dutch, no Marquis, none of all that! We're going to have a lovely time,
my sugar, and nobody is going to disturb us!" Finishing off his coffee, Ron said gently"Well Eff, if you've finished, shall we go back to the room?" 
Eff
didn't reply, she just got up and leaning her head on her hero's
shoulder, our two lovers melted into the false plastic snow of
Disneyland, off to their own little room in the turret of this
wonderland, and we will leave them for a while, until tomorrow, when
they wake up again in - "Part III" 
The frail sunlight filtered through the fashionable Venetian blinds of Ron & Effs little turret room at Disneyland, Paris.
It had been a long and hard day,
yesterday, reflected Ron, who was awake first, due to the feeble
sunrays which hit him full in the eyeballs. Agreeable, pleasant, but
tiring!
"Wonder what awaits me today," mused Ron to
himself,"It's Christmas Eve, and the first one for years,when we don't
really have to do anything, except be waited upon!"
Ron had never considered arranging his
wine cellar for Christmas as a job of work, anyway.
Too much pleasure
was had before the holidays, to consider this as "work". As far as the
baking, cooking and all that was concerned, he didn't do a great deal
anyway, and he supposed that Eff enjoyed doing all that, just as he
enjoyed his wine cellar stuff.
"Oh Ron", said Eff, in traditional fashion,"All this fairy stuff puts you in form,my love!"
"What do you mean, Eff?" asked Ron, "Didn't know I'd done anything special, my dove!"
Eff didn't reply, because she had
recognised that little male macho accent in Ron's voice - as though
there was nothing special, just doing his duty etc.
"What are we going to do today, pet?"
asked Eff.
"It's Christmas Eve, and we've got nothing to prepare or
anything!" - repeating Ron's thoughts.
"Well, since the party doesn't start
until this evening, Eff, I thought we could just have a leisurely
wander around, maybe play a Crazy Golf, and just enjoy doing nothing!"
"That sounds good, Ron, but I still can't
believe that even here they do it all like the French - you know -
starting about 8 o'clock, and going on, probably for hours and hours!
You'd think they would do it like at home, you know, on the 25th at
lunch time, wouldn't you!"
"Well, I suppose it's because there are
all sorts around, and anyway, we've got our Traditional Christmas Day
things, haven't we - though I don't think we'll get to hear the Queen,
I suppose - but never mind!"
"Yes, Ron, it's probably the fault of all
those Germans, but did you see the look on their faces when I got all
the places reserved around the pool, yesterday, with towels and things!
They couldn't believe it, could they?" chuckled Eff.
"Yeah, Eff, but I reckon it was a bit
much to do it all in the middle of the night, and this morning I
couldn't find a towel to dry myself after my shower. On top of that I
didn't realise until I was finished, and I can tell you - it's
difficult to dry yourself all over just with that little hot air hair
dryer you brought! You sure you didn't have just one little glass too
much after dinner?"
"Ron - you know the only place I get woozy is at the Marquis place," said Eff, and Ron winced again.
"Leave the bloody Marquis out of this, he ain't here - thank Gawd!"
So it all happened.
Destiny and chance took its course, and Ron & Eff wandered off down to the crazy golf pitch.
"It's not quite the same as an 18 hole course, Eff," said Ron, as he aimed up for his 4th "hole in one".
"Oh Ron - it won't kill you to miss out
for once on a holiday without your golf. Anyway, this way I can come
around with you, and enjoy it!"
Eff was just lining up to follow her last
3 holes (with a total of 34 strokes) when Ron jumped swiftly to one
side as a loud .....fssssssssssssssss ...... followed by a solid thump
was heard. A crazy golf ball had whizzed past his ear, missing by very
little!
"Bloody 'ell," said Ron " this IS crazy,
this golf. That one could have been one of Wacky Backy's special hooked
drive shots, now I feel at home!"
At that moment, he felt a friendly thump
on the back, and a long arm enveloped him, and a strangely familiar
voice said-"I knew it was him, I said so!
I saw you yesterday, but Mrs
Wacky Backy told me not to be stupid!"
Ron looked at Eff, who was standing there with her mouth open, staring upwards at the figure standing behind her own beloved Ron.
"It's Wacky, Ron - well, who would have dreamed of meeting you here!"
"Oh my god," said Ron,"It's starting again!"
His natural good upbringing took over, and
he finally stammered "Hello Wacky, what are you doing here, then - won
a prize did you, as well - like us?"
Wacky said," No Ron - our eldest is working
here. It's her first job, so we thought we'd come along to make sure
she's all right!"
Eff said "I told you that poor girl in the
turret room looked familiar, and all you said was that she was a right
little cracker, and lucky old Marquis who was chasing her!"
"Well, how was I to know it was Wacky's daughter? After
all, you don't expect to bump into people like that, do you! At least
the bloody Marquis isn't to be seen!"
"Shall we get ourselves around the same
table this evening for Dinner?" asked Wacky -"Mrs Backy would like that,
and our eldest has to work anyway, so we're free!"
"Yeah - great," replied Ron & Eff
simultanously.
So plans were made and a nicely placed table in the
festively decorated dining room arranged.
Mr & Mrs Wackybacky took
off to control things in the turret, being slightly alarmed at stories
of a wicked Marquis!
********************
"Seems like it ain't so bad being friends of
the parents of a damsel in distress," said Ron."After all, our normal
table WAS just a little bit close to the toilets and the kitchen,
wasn't it, Eff?"
"Yes Ron, and that table we've got now is a beauty, just next to the fireplace with it's roaring fire logs and stuff!"
"Yeah, but they're only artificial, Eff, so
we shouldn't be too hot," said Ron as he rubbed his gloved hands to
warm them up from the freezing French air."Tell you what, let's go and
have a look at that gift shop, and see if we can get some little thing
for Mr & Mrs Backy!"
Eff agreed wholeheartedly, always being the
one who took great delight in buying "little things" packing them up
and sending them to various people, who also thoroughly enjoyed
receiving them! It pleased her to see that her thoughts on the matter
had rubbed off a little onto her Ron!
"Can't take too long though, Eff," said
Ron," we've got that theater evening thing that starts at 5, and I'd
like a little lie down after lunch. Hey, by the way, did you get those
towels back, if I've got to dry down with the hair dryer again, I'll
take care how close I get with it to dry certain body parts! Certainly
brings water to the eyes, you know Eff!"
Eff was pleased to the limits by the
suggestion of ANOTHER lie down, after lunch, and said to herself that
she had been right after all, must be paradise and the fairy stuff
that did it!
"Right, let's get to the gift shop, then
the dining room and have a quick lunch, then a lie down" said she - and
marched off with a bounce in her step!
END OF PART III - Part IV (and last) will follow before Christmas Eve!
(I apologise in advance for the lack of
illustrations, but as you will have noted from the other postings
published, Google are still not capable of getting it right, and
emailing a post will not accept photos. I'll try a little Smiley, but
if all you get is a red "X", take it as a kiss from Eff to you all! 
Ron
leant back and savoured the moment. Here he was, leaning back in front
of a lovely big fireplace, roaring pinewood, albeit artificial, just getting
into the Christmas Eve spirits, after the aperos.
Surrounded by his
friends and his wife, he felt pleased with life.
Rocking
back and fore on his comfortable chair, he said to Eff, "Even if I
nearly got killed by that little blue thing on the crazy golf course, I
must say that for once, something you've won has done me good!"
Eff
didn't bite the carrot - she knew that her chunk of manhood was feeling
rather pleased with himself as well as life, and "long may it last"
thought she!
On the other hand, she felt
it was her duty to point out to Ron that, if he continued to rock back
and fro on his chair, he risked finding himself up ended.
It had
happened before, but Ron simply said"Oh Eff, you see problems
everywhere, you're getting more and more like that Marquis fellow!"
Eff gave a loud squeak, startling Ron, who promptly fell over backwards, taking half of the tablecloth with him!
"What the hell, you stupid woman," Ron started.
"Look, Ron - it's our boy! What's he doing here? He's got the lot in tow, grandkids, wife and the lot!"
"Got
the bloody dog as well has he?" said Ron, trying to slide down out of
sight from his sibling's searching eyes, and getting himself completely
envelopped in the rest of the tablecloth!
Mr & Mrs Wackybacky, of course had no idea what was going on, and thought Ron was having some kind of a heart attack.
With
quick thinking, Wacky threw the contents of the ice bucket over Ron's
head, in the belief this would refresh and help the poor man.
This
of course simply left him spluttering and gasping for air, whilst Eff
had jumped up and gone running off to embrace her son and his family.
"What on earth are you all doing here?" she asked.
"Bit
of a surprise - eh Mum! Actually we were ever so lucky - that other
woman who won along with you had a bit of bad luck. Her husband had a
heart attack, so they couldn't travel, and since nobody in her family
thought it would be right to leave her at the moment, they were ever so
kind, and offered us the places, but I couldn't get off work until this
afternoon, so here we are! Actually it was that damsel in distress in
the turret who told us where you were, I remembered meeting her when
they came to our place, a couple of years ago.Imagine her remembering
me, a little cracker like her! Wher's Dad, anyway?"
"Don't
mention anything about little crackers at table, son,"said Eff," her
Dad's with us! I think your father is just over there at our table".
"Oh my God," she continued, following her own pointed finger.
"What's happened to our table. I only leave him alone for a second, and look what happens!"
"He's all right isn't he?" asked son, anxiously."He's not had a heart attack or something as well, has he. One is enough for a while!"
"No
sugar - he's just got himself a bit tangled up in the tablecloth, you
know your Dad, just don't ask too many questions - and he was doing so
well up till now.!"
*************
It took
twenty minutes or so to get things sorted out, but finally everything
was re-arranged, Ron had been taken back to change out of his drenched
dinner suit, and was now sporting his all green "elf" clothes, the
table had been arranged, speedily, by the service people, Eff had been
calmed down, and whilst Ron was changing, everybody got around a second
or third, or was it a fourth cocktail, and renewed acquaintance.
Finally,
when Ron got back, everybody was in best humour, and Eff squeezed his
arm, and hissed into his ear (whilst porting a large smile for all to
see) "If you make one more balls up, I'll kill you, Ronston!"
And
so it was - not that she killed him, she didn't need to, Ron was
perfect, the meal passed off in a wonderful atmosphere, and when
the dancing started, the older guys leaned back, sucked on their
cognacs and cigars (special for the occasion, and Wacky had left his
wacky backy in his room specially) and were extremely pleased with
everything.
When the ceremony master
stopped the music to make an announcement, Eff was a bit cheesed off,
since she was busily occupied in swinging a leg with a very
aristocratic looking gentleman, having this "penchance" for the just
and noble members of society.
"Ladies and
Gentlemen - Monsieurs, Mesdames - Meine Damen und Herren (and the same
thing in Dutch) - now to the finale of the evening - Here comes Father
Christmas...................
Everybody
looked at the entrance, and, behind them, suddenly there was a great
whoooooooooshing
noise, a thud, and there - sitting on top of the artificial flames in the
fireplace - was Mr. le Marquis.
"Evenin' all", he said, "And a Happy Christmas to everybody!"
***********************
Fin - Ende - End.
Read more of Ron & Eff's adventures shortly...........!
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Christmas 2006
