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A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, but were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their team.
During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.
"Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."

 The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.


What do prisoners use to call each other?
cell phones.



What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a woman howling on the front porch?
The dog shuts up when you let it in.

  My husband said he wanted more space.
So I locked him outside.







Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"
 Stupid guy said: “My wife’s an angel!”
Smart guy said: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”





 A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"


 What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.





 The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.

Lady is lonely and depressed. Goes to Doctor. Doctor suggests a pet may help.

 

Lady goes to pet store. Store owner suggests a parrot, who would talk to lady and relieve loneliness. They talk about cost. Owner says $50 for parrot, but $2000 for gold cage. Lady says OK and buys parrot and cage.

 

Two days later lady returns to store, asks for money back, says parrot doesn’t talk, just walks around cage all day. Owner suggests buying a tree perch says parrots like perch’s and would be happier and then would talk. Owner says $150 for perch. Lady says OK and buys.

 

Two days later lady returns to store, asks for money back, says parrot doesn’t talk, walks around cage, and sits on perch all day. Owner suggests buying a swing, says parrots like swings, would be happier and then would talk. Owner says $150 for swing. Lady says OK and buys.

 

Two days later lady returns to store, asks for money back, says parrot doesn’t talk, climbs up and down perch, walks around cage, jumps on swing, swings, but doesn’t talk. Owner suggests buying a ladder, says parrots like walking up and down ladders, would be happier and then would talk. Owner says $150 for ladder. Lady says OK and buys.

π 

Two days later lady returns to store, asks for money back, says parrot still doesn’t talk, walks around cage, climbs up and down perch, jumps on swing, swings, jumps to ladder, walks up and down ladder but doesn’t talk. Owner suggests buying a mirror. Owner says parrots like seeing themselves in mirrors, would be stimulated, would be happier and then talk. Owner says $150 for mirror. Lady says OK and buys.

 

Two days later lady returns to store, asks for money back, says parrot looked in mirror and died. Owner asks if parrot said anything before dying. Lady said yes… a few words. Owner says “what did parrot say? Lady says parrot asked  “don’t they sell food at that pet store”?

お早う 早上好啊！想喝咖啡吗？有牛奶吗？我等你呀！

When I was young, the Dead Sea was only old.

YO MAMA JOKES
You are free to add your Yo Mama Jokes here, as long as you don't cuss.

Yo mama's so old that she has a picture of Moses in her 3rd grade yearbook.

Yo mama's so old that her birth certificate says "expired".

MATH NERD YO MAMA JOKE: Yo mama's so old, that she's π(52/(2x5)+9)(1/π+2.8903) years old! (I'll give you a glass of milk for free if you actually solve that and get it right!)