If I Was a Stocksman
(to the tune of If I Were a Rich Man
written by Jerry Bock and made
popular by Topol and Zero Mostel)
Lyrics by Lucas Ryan
Sung by Lucas Ryan
Violin by Matthew Trautwein

If I was a stocksman
Nonny nonny nonny
Hey nonny nonny nonny nay
All day long I'd stretch 'em on the rack
If I was a ruddy stocksman

I wouldn't have to pull hard
Ring-ding diddle didle
Ring-ding didle deedle didle do
'cause the ropes and gears do all the work
When you is a ruddy stocksman

I'd have a great big jail a stocks and a dungeon
Right in the middle of the town
A pinewood gallows with real metal spikes below
And there'd be buckets of fruit and rotted tomatoes
With sharp stones strewn across the ground
So every child would have something to throw *sigh*

If I was a stocksman
Falalalalala Lalalalalalalalala
All day long I'd break 'em on the wheel
If I was a ruddy stocksman...

The most incarcerated men would come and beg to me
They would ask me to be kind
"Please don't tan my heinous hind"
"Stop that please dear Holdyn!"
"Not the knees dear Holdyn!"
But I'd stomp their toes and poke 'em in the eye!
Eye-yai-yai, eye-yai-yai, eye eye!
But it don't make one lick of difference
if what they did was all that wrong
When I'm done they won't try it again
no-o, no-o, no-o, no-o

If I was a stocksman
Yodle-odle-adey Yodle-odle-adey-adle-hoo...

Lord who made his vassal a villain
Thy decree says I trap mice not men
But I would try as hard as I can
If I was a sto-ocks-man!
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Torture On Me Mind

(To the tune of Georgia on My Mind,
written by Stuart Gorrell and made
popular by Ray Charles)
Lyrics by Lucas Ryan
Performed entirely by Lucas Ryan

Torture, torture
The whole day through
Just me old sweet stocks
Keep torture on me mind

Each day, torture
The sounds from thee
Come a-crackin' clear
as bullwhips 'cross a spine

Someone's hands reach for me keys
Someone's lips cry plaintively
If ye's on the rack, ye'll be...
Stretched out to eight foot two

Torture, torture
No peace, no peace ye'll find
When me old sweet stocks keep torture
When me old sweet stocks keep torture
When Holdyn Twyst's sweet stocks
Keep torture on thy mind
Torture
Torture
Yea Verily

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Locked Up a Lady Tonight
(to the tune of Luck Be a Lady Tonight,
written by Frank Loesser and made
popular by Frank Sinatra)
Lyrics by Lucas Ryan
Performed entirely by Lucas Ryan

Milady's out of luck
For there is little doubt
That when she ran off with Catherine's jewels
Her time was running out
They turned her o'er to me
And I will hold her fast
But, on me word, however I punish
the pain is gonna last

Milady lost her temper
And leapt into the fray
So now it's time for Holdyn Twyst to play

Locked up a lady tonight
Locked up a lady tonight
We caught her doing things a lady really shouldn't
Locked up a lady tonight

Look at her shoulder and see
The mark of that French Fleur de Lis
That means Milady has escaped a past beheading
Let's see her try that with me

Milady shouldn't kill her lovers
She has no heart, she has no soul
And now she'll be thrown into jail with no bail
And not any chance of parole

A lady is kind and polite
And would not leap into a fight
This one has flintlock pistols, poison and a rapier
With twelve knives she hides out of sight.

Milady hates that young Dartagnan
But he had tricks hid up his sleeve
That young Musketeer made the whole village cheer
When he got the Cardinal to leave

The Cardinal has flown out of sight
So Milady won't put up a fight
Three Musketeers delivered us this happy ending
Locked up a lady, locked up a lady
Locked up a lady tonight!

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Molly Malone Parody
Lyrics by Allan Sherman
(with minor changes by Lucas Ryan)
Performed by Lucas Ryan
and the Ten Penny Travelers

She wheels her wheelbarrow
Down streets wot are narrow
Her barrow is narrow
Her hips are too wide
So wherever she wheels it
The whole village feels it
Her girdle keeps scraping the shops on each side

In Dublin's fair city
Where the girls are so pretty
My Molly stands out
'Cause she weighs 30 stone
(that's 420 pounds...an HOUR!)

I don't mind her fat... but!
'Tis not only that...   but!
She's cockeyed and snaggletoothed
Molly Malone
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Old Lang's Sign
(to the tune of Auld Langsine)
Lyrics by Allan Sherman
(with minor changes by Lucas Ryan)
Performed by Lucas Ryan
and the Ten Penny Travelers

A Chinaman
Whose name is Lang
Always carries a wooden sign
And since the man is very old...
We all calls it Old Lang's Sign
-----------------------------------
Tell me Ma Parody
Lyrics by Lucas Ryan
Performed by Lucas Ryan
and the Ten Penny Travelers

Tell me Ma I'm goin' home
This girl won't leave me well alone
She nags me if I try to roam
But I'll be free once I get home

She's a nasty little biddy
Bane of the men in Belfast City
I'll be fine once I get free
Keep her the hell away from me!
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Danny Boy Parody
Lyrics by Lucas Ryan
Performed by Lucas Ryan
and the Ten Penny Travelers
Featuring a duet with Angela Lacey

Oh Danny Boy
Yer Mam a Pap are callin'
Get in the house
They's gonna tan thy hide
Your brother broke
The dishes in the kitchen
Then he blamed you, blamed you
That little bugger lied

And now your back
Is turning sore and red-o
But don't ye fret
Your brother will get his
He's just been blamed
For lighting cats on fire
Thanks to your pyromaniac
Little sis.
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Loch Lomond Parody
Lyrics by Lucas Ryan
Performed by Lucas Ryan
and the Ten Penny Travelers

You take the high road
And I'll take the low road
And I'll get to Scotland afore ye

Where they serves ye a sheep's stomache
and they makes ye wear a dress...

On seccond thought
I think I'll take the high road!
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Green Sleeves Parody
Lyrics by Lucas Ryan
Performed by Lucas Ryan
and the Ten Penny Travelers

Alas, my love, thou hast done me wrong
To have cast away me last handkerchief
Me nose is running and turning red
Because thou art the cause of my greensleeves.

Greensleeves, those are what I've got
Because my sleeves have been covered in...ACHOO!
Scuse me!
Think that's bad, well then take a glance:
It's only been two days
Since I bought these white pants
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Try a Little Violence
(to the tune of Try a Little Tenderness
written by Jimmy Campbell, Reginald Connely
and Harry Woods and made popular by
Otis Redding)
Lyrics by Lucas Ryan
Performed entirely by Lucas Ryan

Oh, ye may be weary
Interogations can be dreary
When questions leave thee answerless
So just stop thy queery
And try a little violence

Information you'll get it
Stool pidgeons start to fidget
When ye start shakin' up their nests
Break some eggs to make an omlet
Try a little violence

To realy test their mettle
Bring out a whip and a chair
'Cause a sharp blow can be instrumental
In them giving up, giving up
The who, what why when and where

He won't believe that he said it, no
His cronies will regret it
Soon they'll be in the same mess.
Get thy information under duress
Try, try, try a little violence

Oh

Ye's got to beat them,
Mistreat them,
Stomp their feet and
Kick and punch and hold and twist and
try, try, try a little violence

Oh

Ye's got to beat them,
Just mistreat them,
Kick and punch and hold and twist and
try, try, try a little violence!
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Tis Not Easy Bein' Mean
(to the tune of It's Not Easy Bein' Green
Written by Joe Rapposo and made
popular by Kermit the Frog and Ray Charles)
Lyrics by Lucas Ryan
Duet sung by Lucas Ryan and Dolph Amick
Guitar by Dolph Amick

Tis not easy bein mean
When I lock up folks
and punch em in the spleen
When I think it might be nicer
to sing em songs or tell em jokes
or something much more whimsical like that

Tis not easy bein' mean
I does the dirty work
just 'casue I ain't that clean
And the nobles stick up their noses
'cause I'm torturin' the sick and depraved
And the smell's drawin' flies

But Holdyn, mean can be a romantic thing
And mean can be sleek and rogue-ish like,
aye it can,
And mean can be brutal, like a bludgeon
Or subtle, like a secret
Or wicked like me

When mean is what I'm payed to be
It can make me wonder why
But why wonder why...wonder why wonder...
why...wonder...why...won...der...why?
I'm mean and it suits me just fine
It's wonderful!
And I think it's what I'm meant to be
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Hemp Fandango
(to the tune of Sing, Sing, Sing with a Swing
Written by Louis Prima and made popular
by both Louis Prima and Benny Goodman respectively)
Lyrics by Lucas Ryan
Performed entirely by Lucas Ryan

Swing, swing, swing, swing
'cause ye's hangin' from a string
First ye's high, then ye's low
That's the Hemp Fandango

Drop thy feet down toward the ground
Then start spinnin' all around
Kick and flail each of yer limbs
Then start swayin' in the wind

Swing, swing, swing, swing
'cause ye's hangin' from a string
First ye's high, then ye's low
That's the Hemp Fandango
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Swing Low and Sway a Bit
(to the tune of Swing Low Sweet Charriot)
Lyrics by Lucas Ryan
Performed entirely by Lucas Ryan

Swing low and sway a bit
Then we'll bury thee in some loam
Swing low and sway a bit
Then we'll bury thee in some loam

Well just look at the gallows and what does ye see
Waitin' for to bury thee in loam
Some angry villagers starin' up at thee
Gonna bury thee in some loam

Swing low and sway a bit
Then we'll bury thee in some loam
Swing low and sway a bit
Then we'll bury thee in some loam
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Nobody Knows...
(to the tune of Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen)
Lyrics by Lucas Ryan
Performed entirely by Lucas Ryan

Nobody knows the pain that I cause
Nobody knows the torture
Nobody knows the knecks wot I've broke
'Cause they can't tell nobody
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I Can't Stop This Beating
(to the tune of Hooked on a Feeling
Written by Mark James and made
popular by Blue Swede)
Lyrics by Lucas Ryan
Performed by Lucas Ryan
Scream Chorus supplied by
Adam Lowe, Maroof Ralston
Jenn Steele, Sarah Virkler,
and Wade Finch

I can't stop this beating
Something's come over me
A cloud of red behind my eyes
and I just can't see
All the sharp blows
That I land on you
And I don't know
What I'm gonna do

I can't stop this beating
So please stop thy pleading
Til I'm done beating thee

Lips curled back and sneering
As I whip thy red behind
Girl I thought I told thee
I've got torture on me mind

I'm laying into thee girl
but now thy body won't stir
Someone get the smelling salts
'cause I'm not done with her

I just noticed
While I'm beating you
That your pale flesh
Turns all black and blue

I can't stop this beating
So please stop thy pleading
Til I'm done beating thee

I said I can't stop this beating
please, please, please stop thy pleading
Til I'm done beating thee
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Mr. Stocksman
(to the tune of Mr. Sandman
written by Pat Ballard and made
popular by the Chordettes)
Lyrics by Wade Finch with minor tweeks by Lucas Ryan)
Performed by Team Evilty:
Chaz Holmes on lead vocals
Adam Lowe on Bass
Wade Finch on Tenor
Maroof Ralston on Alto
Sarah Virkler on Soprano

Mr. Stocksman
Give them some pain
Be the cruelest that I've ever seen
Make them push up tulips and clover
Then make sure they have broken bones all over

Stocksman
Make them all moan
Don't take nobody raising their tone
Please turn on them magic screams!
Mr. Stocksman give 'em some pain

Mr. Stocksman
Give them some pain
Turn a vice and crush their brains 
Beat them 'til they're all bruise laden
Then toss them in the iron maiden

Stocksman
Make them all moan
Don't take nobody raising their tone
Please turn on them magic screams!
Mr. Stocksman give 'em some pain
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Liverpool Lullaby
(written by Stan Kelly and made popular by
Cilla Black)
Performed as a duet by Lucas Ryan and Joyce Ryan
Keyboard by David Nayyar

Oh you are a mucky kid
Dirty as a dustbin lid
When he finds out the things that ye did
You'll gerra belt from ye da

Oh ye have your father's nose
How crimson, in the dark it glows
If you're not asleep when the boozers close
You'll gerra belt from ye da

You look so scruffy lyin' there
Strawberry jam tufts in ye hair
In all the world you haven't a care
While I have got so many

It's quite a struggle every day
Livin' off your father's pay
The boozer drinks it all away
And leaves me without any

Though we have so silver spoon
Better days are coming soon
Your mam's working at the loom
And she gets paid come Friday

Perhaps one day we'll have a splash
When Littlewoods provides the cash
We'll get a house in knotty ash
And buy your da a brewery

Oh ye are a mucky kid
Dirty as a dustbin lid
When he finds out the things that ye did
You'll gerra belt from ye da

Oh ye have your father's face
You're growing up a real hard case
But there's no one else can take your place
Go fast asleep for your ma
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