Da Start
    Me story starts, like it should, wiv HORRIBLE TORTURE!  Kickin'!  Stretchin'!  Pushin'!  Screamin'!  An extra smack for good measure an' I is born!  Leastwise, dat be wot me Mam tol' me.  Mam all'us says she wanted a big fam'ly, but wiv me she had all of da chil'runs she was plannin' in jus' one biggun. 

Me Mam
    Me Mam were a washerwoman an' prolly still is today, though I hasn't seen me Mam much since I has been become da stocksman o' Newcastle, but I's getting ahead o' meself.  Mam's name be Anna Twyst an she were a big woman wiv a nice, loud voice, but also wiv some o' da most gentlest hands in all o' Liverpool an she got herself some kind of famous about town wiv her perfect work on delicate women's under-things.  Some mornings I would be waked up by near-on to a dozen womens outside o' our house whoopin an' cryin' out "Oi!  Hurry up!  We've got our knickers, Anna Twyst!" 
    Aye, me Mam loved her work, so's she did, an allus was singin' bright an' clear so's ye's could hear it clear from Moor Street ta Eastham Mill an dat be wot I loved most.  Mam would have me wring da water out o' da thick woolies an I got ta beat out dusty rugs an' coats while we's both just singin' away.  Some times we doesn't even know da real words, but why let dat get in da way o' singin' a good song, eh?  Aye, wot I learned most from me Mam was dat a job hain't half worth doin' if ye can't does it wiv a song!

Me Da
    As much as me Mam loved da work she done, me Da hated his.  I didn't e'en know what all Da did for his pay until I was big enough ta "help" do it for 'im.  Aye, folks would ask me "Oi, wee Holdyn, what does thy father do?" an' I'd say "Beats me!"  Me Da was sure fond o' da drink an' not much else, an when he came home full o' spirits an caught me out o' bed, he'd have me fetch him somethin' wot to beat me wiv.  Well, since Da many times went out da pub afore noon he would be turned out an' sent back home well afore 'twas dark, so's I's usually out of me bed when he got home as it were usually afore supper anyhow!  Well, one day I figgers I's gonna be clever, an when me Da sends me to gets him something to beat me wiv I's gonna bring him one o' dem goose down pillows wot got lost in da wash Mam was doing for da butcher's wife las' year.  Well, I gets da pillow and brings it back ta me Da, but he don't fink I's all dat clever at all.  He pulls open dat pillow, so's he does, an clears off a whole table full o' empty bottles into dat sack, gathers it up around da top and beats me wiv it 'til all da bottles is broke all to bits!  Den he grabs me up by da ear and leads me o'er to me bed an says "Get thee to sleep right away!  I doesn't want to hear not a peep out of ye!  Oh, an' I hopes ye enjoys thy new pillow!"  Worst night's sleep I e'er had.  Dat's when I first learned about "A Version Therapy".  Dat be when ye takes somethin' wot some'un likes a lot an den gives dem "A Version" dat makes dem hate it.  I knows I can hardly stand da sight o' pillows to dis day.
    Like I says, me Da started me in "helping" 'im wiv work when I was big enough to "help" 'im catch rats.  Aye, me Da were a rat catcher an' nae a real goodun, truth be told.  Most times he jes killed da ones wot he saw wiv a mallet (if dey was standin' still an' he could catch em wivout runnin') an he'd poison a wee bit o' cheese wot rarely e'er got et.  Most times he jus' drank in da corner o' da room an threw da empty bottles at rats as dey scurried by until he passed out.  Dat be most o' da reason why I's got da word "help" in dem not-quite-ation marks.  He was most times asleep in da corner while I went about trying to get rid o' da rats.

Rat Catchin'
    Well, workin' wiv me Da weren't nearly as much fun as wiv me Mam, an he din't like it much when I started in singin' (allus shouted somethin' about his head an chucked a bottle at me), so I found me joy in punishin' da rats!  As far as I could figger, jes killin' a rat weren't goin' ta do much for long, 'cause rats'll eat rat jus' as happily as anyfing else, so I tried to see if I could invent some of me own A Version Therapy for dem wot would make dem not want to steal cheese or do other ratty fings wot people don't like.  First, I made meself a cheese mallet out of a sturdy wedge of yarlsburg, an den I caught me a few rats to test out on.  I put a crumb o' cheese out infront o' dem and when dey went to pick it up an' eat it, I beat em on da head wiv da cheese mallet!  After a while, not only did dey not go after da cheese crumbs, but some o' dem was pushing cheese back out o dere holes wot dey had stolen afore!  Problem is, dey was still livin' in holes in da walls, and people don't like dat all very much, so I made me a wee little machine wot would help keep dem from livin' in da walls.  I caught a few rats an I dipped 'em in vinegar (which is da best meat tenderizer me Mam taught me), den strapped dem into me machine an stretched dem out 'til dey was half as long as I is tall.  Den, when dey tries to run back to dere holes in da walls, dey leaves half dere bodies hangin' out at da back an can't turn corners for nuffin!  I tried lots o' other methods which was fun an most of 'em effective.  Catch an' release were a lot o' fun (specially if da house had high windows).  Me Da were getting quite a name as a rat catcher 'cause o' me, and it weren't long afore we was contracted by Mayor Plantagenet of da nearby city o' Newcastle.  When I was done an' word went around dat even da rats wot was left would nae even touch a morsel o' cheese, da Mayor himself came down to where I was workin' to congratulate me personly.  I was done for da day an' shakin' me Da to wake him back up so's we could go back on home when da Mayor an his personal guards walked in to see.  I guess he got da wrong idea an figgured I had knocked me Da out, an he din't know da sleepin' man e'en were me Da at da time, so he yelled for da guards to sieze me.  I turned to see wot all da noise were about an' on accident caught one o' dem guards in da stomach wiv me elbow an' he went o'er into da udder one.  I went an' picked dem both back up when da mayor yelled "stop!  Who art thou?"  So I tells him dat I's da rat catcher's son wot has been doin' da work when me Da was too drunk an I tol' him about A Version Therapy an how I made da rats not want ta steal cheese no more.  He asked me to put down da guards (I forgot I still was e'en carying 'em) an' asked if I ever thought about workin' wiv criminals instead o' rats.

I's A Horsey!
    Some right, real evil badduns was in Newcastle dat year, threatnin' ta burn da whole village to da groun'.  Da mayor, wiv some quick finkin' challenged dem to a grand, big game o' chess wiv da stakes bein' dat da winner gets da village an da loser has ta leave.  Da lead baddun accepted, only da game has ta use real people an dey has to fight each udder for da squares.  I had only been dere catchin' rats for a short while, but da food were good, da people was most of 'em funny an loud, an I was feelin' right at home, so's I says ta dat mayor, I says "Oi, give me run o' da village stocks an I'll do wot I can ta help in dat game o' chess."  He looks me up an down again, an a big smile grows 'cross his face an he has one o' his gaurds throw me his halberd (dat's like a big staff wiv two axes an a spear comin' out da end) an says "Stocksman Holdyn Twyst, thou art in the game!"  Aye, an' wotta game it were!  Cheering crowds from all o'er da town an' udder places makin' a grand, big noise.  I got ta be one o' da horseys on da board, which was nice, 'cause I likes horseys an I never had one, but now I got ta be one!  I was so proud an happy, an den I got moved onto a square where I had ta be in a fight.  Now, I's allus been big an' strong, but I's never really had ta be in a fight afore.  Still, I had me halberd an he only had a sword anna shield an practice, so's I figger I's still ahead.  Really all fightin' seemed ta be was using my weapon ta keep him from hitting me until I found an open time ta hit him.  Seemed right easy.  After just a bit, I'd knocked him down on da ground and was trying ta pin him wiv me halberd, but he were quick an' kicked it out o' me hands and scrabbled off.  I went ta pick it up, and den somethin' fell on me back.  I spun it around a while and shook it loose, an it turns out it were him, tryin' ta pound on me head.  Well, I's been hit much harder den dat plenny times afore, so I throws him off an' he punches me twice in me belly!  Got me right in a bit of a tickley spot so I laughed.  Dis game were fun!  I figger I should try some pounding too, so I bunched up me fist an brought it down on his head.  Everbody cheered an he went ta sleep for a bit.  Dat were lots o' good fun!  Then I got moved to anudder square and dere were jus' dis wee, little, tiny child dere.  We went ta get our weapons to fight, an da lead baddun were dere wiv a strange smile on his face.  Dat were when I saw me Da in da front row o' da crowd, right behind da lead baddun wiv an angry, sober look on his gob.  Den, like out o' a nightmare, da wee, little, tiny child came arunnin' at me wiv' dat pillow, dat HORRIBLE PILLOW from me childhood, an I screamed an' fell an curled up an waited for it ta be done wiv.  Me team mates came o'er an is yellin' for me ta gerrup, but I's too scared an ashamed.  Den one o' dem says "but it was just a pillow!" an I realizes dat I din't feel no glass bottles or sharp shards or nuffin like dat.  It really were jus a pillow!  Still, I lost dat square 'cause I were da first ta go down an I had ta sit on da side, but da baddun I beat afore da pillow trick seemed ta help alot, 'cause soon we won da game!

Ta Be Continued