Bullying and teasing are going to be found in just about any environment where there are kids. It's common behavior, but it should not be accepted or brushed off with a "Don't let it bother you. "

Teasing hurts, even if not physically. The child being teased feels singled out (at a time when being part of a group is very important). They feel humiliated. After all, "something" made them the target, and often the child with poor self-esteem will believe they are different and the bully is, in some way, justified in picking on them.   This can be particularly painful if the child already has a problem they know makes them different (whether it's an attention deficit disorder, learning disability, family problem or self-image issue, like weight or freckles).

The reasons for teasing are endless... You'll always have kids who are trying to prove themselves, assert their independence, establish a position in the "group," feel better by putting down someone else, unwittingly think something is funny, etc. Sometimes it's a way to deal with the bully's own discomfort when faced with a child who is different than they are.

Unfortunately, it's sometimes the kids with ADHD who put themselves in the position of bullying or teasing others. Although, too frequently, they are the victims. Children with ADHD have an extra burden when it comes to teasing. Many struggle with correctly interpreting social cues, and may not pick up the differences between friendly teasing and being mean. They may have a problem interpreting intended humor (''Just kidding!") from a real insult. Since children with ADHD tend to assume the role of "class clown" at times, it's not unusual for others to focus ''friendly insults" on the child with ADHD, thinking it's part of the fun.

The boy or girl with ADHD is often overly sensitive and may overreact to real or imagined slights. ...They may become anxious and depressed. ...They may want to avoid school or other situations where kids tease them. ...They may impulsively strike back at the perceived bully, perhaps physically, which will only gets them into more trouble at school.

Here are suggestions for how to handle a bully or tease:

• Speak to the bully and help them distinguish the difference between harmless and hurtful behavior.
• Encourage the school to teach kindness, tolerance (of differences), and that self-esteem comes from within; not from being "superior" to others. Many schools now have peace education or conflict resolution as part of their curriculum. This helps to create an atmosphere of group unity and support. One teacher complemented these school-wide programs with a classroom-based "Little acts of kindness."  Each student was responsible for doing something nice each day for another child: One wrote down the homework assignments for an ADHD friend, who in turn checked the math of another student. That student made sure a forgetful classmate remembered to take home his homework and lunchbox. All of the kids benefited, feeling good about themselves and better about others.
• Choose an appropriate response - NOT blame.
• Don't condone teasing or bullying (even if it seems somewhat justified or was just a 'misunderstanding'). Explain that what may be meant as harmless fun may perceived as painful humiliation.
• Let the child know that teasing or bullying is wrong and there will be specific consequences. Follow through.
• Help the child learn or have the school teach appropriate substitute behaviors for those times when teasing or bullying is a response to something that makes the child uncomfortable.

Here are suggestions for helping the child who is teased or picked on:

• Explain that there are different types of teasing, and that not all teasing is mean. Cathy Cohen, a social worker in Fairfax Virginia, writes in "Brakes," a newsletter for kids: "There are four types of teasing: 1) Joking teasing; 2) Name calling; 3) Mimicking; and 4) Physical threatening. ...Most teasing starts out benign." She goes on to explain that when the child overreacts, thinking all teasing is intended to hurt, they may inadvertently "spur on more challenging teasing." Help your child to understand that some teasing is "good natured"
• When your child is on the receiving end, let him/her know that telling is NOT tattling. This doesn't apply when it's a case of silly joking, such as another child looking at him or her cross-eyed. Then it's NOT to your child's advantage to run to an adult.  This type of teasing is part of peer behavior, and may even signify acceptance within the group. It is best dealt with by the child as part of the peer group, rather than by calling in or tattling to an adult or "running for help. "
• Encourage your child to discuss the problem in private with you and/or the teacher or a favored school person - especially if physical threatening or acts are involved.
• Teach your child that the person who reacts less to teasing will most likely be teased less. Give the child words to use internally, "They're laughing with you, not at you." or ''Never let them see you sweat," or "This guy is the one with problems!"
• Help your child to understand how his or her behaviors may contribute to getting teased, without making it a case of the "victim is guilty." Children with ADHD are too often singled out because they make themselves noticeable by bragging, whining, teasing others, acting out, trying to take control, tattling on others, etc.
• Make it clear that while certain things that "cause" teasing can be controlled (bragging); others cannot (height).
• Role play so your child has a better understanding of how to react. Explain that physical ''presence'' and ''proud, not cowed" outward demeanor makes a difference. The child being teased shouldn't slink away or rage, but stand up straight, look the bully in the eye, and with an air of self-confidence, either make an appropriate retort or look at the bully as if she/he is the ''pathetic'' one, then walk (not run or slouch) away.
• Review appropriate responses to possible taunts ("Did you take your crazy medicine?”). By getting angry and defensive (although it's understandable), the child only encourages more teasing. By being "cool" about a problem, the teasing will usually stop. One child who was being taunted for having shaky hands said “I know," then asked the bully to hold his arm and fingers straight out without shaking. The bully couldn't. End of bullying.
• Encourage your child to avoid the bully! This is obvious, but may not be so to the child. He or she may feel they're "copping out," "being a nerd" or showing weakness by avoiding the bully. Reinforce that it's the bully's problem, and avoidance is NOT weakness, but strength and a sign of self-respect.

Oh, And Don't Forget Adults....

ADDers tend to over-react, and that includes the way they react to comments that may have been made innocuously (or maybe not). Dense about certain things, ADDers are hypersensitive about others. When this quick reactivity combines with an explosive temper or a tendency towards depression and/or substance abuse (which includes overeating), it's easy for the person with ADHD to lose control.

The most frequent problems are usually between couples, since anything said by someone so close has more of an emotional impact. Apply the same principles of review that you would with the kids! Examine what caused the reaction (merited or not), then work out ways to avoid causing the ADDer to over-react (try not to push the 'hot' buttons, no matter how tempted!). Also work out (this may require therapy) healthier ways for the ADDer to react to such stress. Don't get caught in the bully/victim role. Avoid the parent/child role too~ it's just as unhealthy.

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bullying and teasing.doc     06/2006

written by Harold Meyer and Susan Lasky

   The A.D.D. Resource Center provides proven, practical tools and strategies to          help individuals with attention-deficit/hyperactivity  and related disorders to succeed.       Our programs include  coaching, parenting classes, home and office organization,    time, project and paper management, group seminars, career and business  development, couples workshops and more.

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