I know this  website is called "greatfun4kids", but seriously how can we create great fun for our kids if we are in a bad way ourselves as mums?? Yesterday I was thinking about my website and felt like it would be a good idea to share some of
 my journey here - who knows, it may help someone else? < Me Aged 3 I always felt a little guilty about the state of the world, and when I hit my 20's and got involved in youth leadership, I started to take on more than I could chew. I had great leaders around me who warned me to be careful and take care of myself... but did I listen? Course not! there was a world to put to rights by next week! Maybe I subconsciously thought I could finish what my dad had started? Aged 16
As a single gal, there was nothing outside myself to force me to slow down. I slept, ate and breathed youth work.
Me & my dad
 At the age of 27 I started up an education programme through our church (Equippers Auckland) for at-risk kids who had dropped out of mainstream school.
I was inspired after watching "Once were Warriors". I spent the night crying over the kids in my town who were so broken. I prayed, "God I know I'm just a middle class white girl with no qualifications, but if you can use me to help these kids then show me how."
Within a couple of years a whole bunch of "Once Were Warriors" kids had started coming to our church youth group, which I was leading. A series of conversations led to a decision to "use what we had" and start something for the ones who simply would not go to school.
 < Me and some of my students in 1999
The programme, CLS, is still going strong and is now the largest "alternative education programme in NZ.
But it was heavy stuff - after 3 years I was completely depleted. I had tried to carry the weight of these kids' extreme problems myself - broken families sexual abuse, violence, drugs, crime. A huge shock to a "sensitive soul" like me!
It was around about this time I met and fell head over heels with my now hubby, Rory.
I finished working at CLS, we got married and I thought, "Hey I can relax now, my dreams have finally come true; my prince has come and my troubles are over..." Me and Rory the day we got engaged, September 2000
  All hell broke loose! Rory wondered what had hit him - who is this screaming maniac he had married? He had no idea this nice little Christian girl knew the kind of words that sometimes spewed out of my mouth. Meanwhile I thought I was literally losing my mind. I didn't want to pray, couldn't face reading my Bible, cried every time I went to church. I was having panic attacks, I couldn't face crowds, busy streets, or noise. I couldn't make decisions or handle any kind of stress - my thoughts would get into a traffic jam. My anger would just errupt without warning, and then other times I would feel like I was falling down a deep dark hole, where I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.
I had no enthusiasm for life, it felt like a heavy burden to me. I couldn't face the thought of having to go on living for the next 50 years - Rory was planning a long future together and I was just wishing the world would end. Finally Rory had enough and marched me off to a counsellor when I was 6 months pregnant. He poured out his concerns about me to this very wise old guy, Brian McStay, who looked at me and said those words, "I think you are clinically depressed." At least now I had a name for this black cloud.
Brian explained that it's a bit like what the soldiers get in battle - while they are in the thick of it, they have to hold it together. But when the pressure comes off, it all crashes down on them and they freak out. Which is exactly what happened to me.
 I was coping until the pressure came off. Then, Brian said, those parts of yourself you have neglected start screaming for attention. I hadn't been very good to myself, physically or emotionally. I was running on empty and was terribly unhealthy. Looking back over my journals from my 20s I see a recurring theme - I would go 100km an hour, without putting anything "in" to my emotional tank. I would drag myself to the end of each year by sheer willpower, feeling like I just couldn't face another year. Then after a few weeks holiday I would feel so much better and dive back into it again, only to repeat the pattern. I don't know how I lasted as long as I did!!
That was nearly 6 years ago now. I didn't go on meds, because I was pregnant. We made lifestyle changes, adjusted expectations and it really helped that Rory had an understanding of what was happening. His support made the world of difference. He could see me starting to get into a panic sometimes and would step in and help me avoid a freak out.
A painting from my visual journal Josh was born and we muddled along in survival mode. Abby was born and things got better for a while, and I started to think "I have beaten this! I'm no longer battling depression." Sadly, it's not that easy to get rid of something you have unknowingly battled your whole life. Now I can recognise that even as a teenager I had symptoms.
They say depression is hereditary. I have relatives on both sides of my extended family who have battled depression or burn out. Does that mean I am doomed to always be depressed??
No, I don't believe so. But it's kind of like an old injury, a weakness or vulnerability. If I don't take care of myself, it will flare back up.
By the time Abby was 2, I was still living at a very low level. Very restricted in what I could and couldn't do, desperate to avoid panic attacks and angry outbursts; terrified of scarring my kids emotionally.
Around this time I met with one of our Pastors at church, a wonderfully wise lady who has walked this road herself, and one of the things she recommended I try doing was Art Therapy and Visual Journalling, being a creative individual like herself. Art therapy for me was like learning to speak my mother tongue; it helped me connect back to God again in a new and non-striving way.
She also put us onto a great DVD by Dr Grant Mullen, and Rory (who had always had a bit of a stigma against going on meds) had a lightbulb moment.
Dr Mullen says that depression affects all three areas of our lives - body (biochemical), soul (mind, will and emotions) and our spirit. Unless we sort out the biochemical problem, how can we get our thoughts and emotions into order?
So I finally went to my doctor and got myself on some anti-depressants, and within 2 weeks I was actually feeling like a human being... what a difference! I could actually think straight!
Before I got pregnant with Jonathan I talked to my doctor to find out what happens with meds and pregnancy. The one I was on is OK for pregnancy, but they advise coming off in the 3rd trimester in case baby has withdrawal from it after the birth.
Because I had been feeling "normal" for a couple of years on the meds, I had forgotten how awful it was before. The pregnancy had been my toughest yet (hey, I'm 38) with horrible nausea & vomiting, low blood pressure & dizziness through a very hot summer, and then I tried to wean off the meds. I started having panic attacks almost straight away; the "thought traffic jams" in my head were terrible. I had to slow down the weaning process and my doctor referred me to Maternal Mental Health.
 Thankfully things settled down, and I have been blessed with the happiest baby in the world, which makes life a whole lot easier. I haven't had to go back on medication, and Maternal Mental Health have now discharged me, cause I am coping OK.
I wanted to share this story with you because although my blog is mostly about having great family times and loads fun with your kids, I wanted to put it in context - I am definitely not a supermum!
Probably like you, I get through each day quite often by the skin of my teeth. I "lose my blob" quite regularly with my kids and argue with my husband.
But I'm doing my best, and with God's help my kids will come through without too much emotional baggage. And the good times will hopefully way outweigh the bad 10-1.
If you wonder whether you might be clinically depressed, have a look at the checklist on Dr Mullen's website (see below). Find someone to talk to about it - a friend, a counsellor, your doctor. This is not something we can get through without support and understanding. xx
If any of this has struck a chord with you, I would love to hear from you. Email me on greatfun4kids@live.com
I have heard from many of you who have emailed me after reading my journey. I count it a privilege to be able to share with you. You'd be surprised at how many wonderful women battle this Black Cloud. Remember you are not alone!
CLICK for Dr Grant Mullen's Website CLICK HERE to read about Things that Help Me
Footnote: When Jonathan was 9 months old, I found I was struggling once again and needed to go back on medication (sleep deprivation and a death in the family brought a lot of added stress). This is an ongoing journey... :)
|