 "What seems to be the problem-- troubled by your checkered past?" "I'm board." "Perhaps you should try playing chess." "I have no time for your inane jokes."  "So, who's move is it?"
No answer. "Maybe you guys should put a clock on this one?" Still no response. To me, this was a truly interesting match: the players, just like their game, were at a standstill . . . or perhaps a sit-still is more accurate. I went back the next day to find them exactly as they were. "Can I get you guys anything, coffee maybe?"  As we were leaving the middle game, my opponent put on a purple jacket, sat above the board, stuck a bucket over his head, and surrounded himself with busts representing ancient and modern warfare. Once he rigged up the pulley system and started to bump pieces with his feet, I had to call a tournament director. At the time, I felt small, but what else could I do?"  "Perhaps we can level the playing field?"  "I bet I can stare at the tip of this flame longer than you can hold that pawn in your mouth." "I'll take that bet, but did you notice that your face is on small striped fish that are somehow swimming above us?" "Sorry, you'll have to do better than that."  "What shall we do now?" "I brought Parcheesi." "I love our blue lantern." "As do I." "There is a blue cat licking the cheese sandwiches in our picnic basket." "Say that again." "There is a blue cat . . ." "No, just the last part." "Picnic basket." "I love the way you say that." "I spent a lot of time choosing the cheese for those sandwiches."  "I can see your gray matter." "Well, every opponent is a reflection of his opponent." "Is that supposed to be philosophical?" "I'm trying to move. Between your idle chatter and these distracting colors and shapes. . ." "Just move, you're gonna lose anyway." "My head is so heavy of late." " Why don't you just let go of it?" "Oh, that's humorous."  "Yeah, I know what I wrote!" "Our company chooses matches based on what our clients request." "Yeah, I know, but . . . "There's no buts, you wrote 'a woman who's into chess.'" "Yeah, but I was thinkin' more like Kosteniuk, you know, or Krush." "Next time specify you want girls whose last names begin with K." "Thanks, you're a big help."  "We've got an ominous sky, a full moon, an omnipotent king, and a mystical, enigmatic setting. So what's the problem?" "I just think I'm gonna have trouble taking notation."  "Excuse me, hey Charlotte, I'm over here. Remember me, Luisa, your sister?" "He, he, Luisa, you are so funny." "Thank you Prudence, but there will be no laughing in this portrait, I won't allow it." "I'm certain, Helga interjected, I've seen this position before in one of my tournament games." "Helga," Luisa responded, "All of my games, like great art, are completely original. Thus, I am certain you are mistaken. Now go to mama and tell her we will be there presently."  "I'm sorry, but that's touch move. "I didn't touch it, he did." "But he moves for you." "He was just adjusting." "He didn't say adjust." "He said it through his trunk; that's why you didn't hear him." "Okay, but we get to take a move back later." "Fine."  "Did you get the photo?" "Yeah, I got it yesterday." "Cool." "But I'm a little confused." "About what?" "Which one's Lenderman?"  " I see you searching my
face for a reaction?" "Is that why you are not having one?" "No, it's just that . . . " " What?" "I've forgotten how seductive chess can be." "You mean me." "Yes, I do." " I have something to tell you." "Yes?" "You're in checkmate."  "So how long you been here."
"Got here 2 minutes ago, just before you." "This place is dead." "It's still early. Why are you looking at me that way?" "You look, um, darker than the last time I saw you." "I've been tanning a lot." "It looks good. So, ah, can I buy you a drink?" "Yeah, I'd like that."  "So Vladimir, if someone wanted to visit you for chess lessons, how would they find you?" "Well, there are two ways: my assistant is showing the shortest way to my house during rush hour; but I would recommend this route any other time of day." "But these diagrams look like neon weather maps superimposed onto chess boards." "I agree." "Well, why is that?" "It's simple: if a player can find me using these diagrams, I know he'll be a good student."  "You know you're looking rather pale today." "I'm not feeling well." "You're not making excuses already, are you?" "No, I'm simply explaining why I'm whiter than usual." "Yeah, but you're not just whiter than usual, you're whiter than chalk." "Perhaps Daumier has aesthetic reasons for rendering me this way." "Maybe, but maybe he ran out of flesh-colored paint." "who's move is it?" |