When you're asking your children to do things for you, do you ever feel like you're talking to a cat? I love my cats, even though they never listen to a thing I say.

 

Fortunately, children, unlike cats, respond well to the following strategies:

• When asking your child to do something, don't forget to say "please."
  Since we want our children to use this magic word, doesn't it make sense that we ought to model it?

• Get close to them and use a pleasant, calm voice.
  Few people respond favorably to being hollered at from across the room. Besides, do I want to train my kids to need yelling at, or would it be better if I taught them to respond to a calmer, quieter tone?

• Ahead of time, have a plan for how you'll respond to noncompliance or defiance.
  If they refuse to comply, or they dawdle about, reply, "I love you too much to fight with you about doing this. I'm going to have to do something. We'll talk about this later."
  
  Delay the consequence so that you don't find yourself in an unwinnable power-struggle.

• Resist the urge to threaten, lecture, or give repeated warnings.
  This is a tough tip for most of us! Just remember that when we use threats, lectures, and repeated warnings, we train our kids to need threats, lectures, and repeated warnings.

• Allow empathy and consequences to do the teaching.
  In our DVD, Simple Parenting Strategies, we describe how to apply a consequence when it's tough to think of one. One powerful strategy involves having your children replace energy drained from you by their noncompliance. They can do this through extra chores, doing without some fun activities that you provide, etc.
  
  The key, of course, is the empathy. Nothing works without it!

Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.

 

Dr. Charles Fay

 

 

 

 

 

Prior Newsletter Postings from Mrs. Mueller...........

There are some important distinctions between the two numbers.  IQ will get you through school.  EQ will get you through life!  IQ is knowing what, EQ is knowing how and why.  Someone with high EQ will:

-        Appeal to emotions to persuade rather than simply relying on fact

-        Motivate individuals differently rather than treating everyone the same

-        Control their emotions for their own use rather than letting emotions control them.

EQ is extremely important in the maturation process.  Without appropriate skills, a child may have the necessary intelligence to function at work or play, but lack the emotional skills to achieve success.  The good news about EQ is that it CAN BE LEARNED.  At Grace we are proactive in developing emotional intelligence.  Guidance lessons focusing on topics such as relationship building, problem solving, goal setting, communication skills, managing and controlling emotions, and many others, are provided to create a safe and nurturing environment in which EQ can flourish. 

If you would like more information on ways to increase your child’s EQ, I highly recommend the book, Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman, and The Unwritten Rules of Friendship, by Natalie Elman.  In addition, I found a website that offers free online testing of EQ for adults.  I hope you have a chance to check it out. 

http://testyourself.psychtests.com/testid/2092

     A special welcome to our new Grace families!  I’ve met most of our new students and they are just as wonderful as the returning ones.  We are off to an exciting start this year with a few changes.  First of all, I am in a new office.  You can now find me upstairs in the Education Building next to the teacher’s lunchroom.  My room number is 209A.  Stop in and say Hi!

     Another exciting change for this school year is the implementation of a school-wide character education initiative.  “Core Essentials” was developed by teachers in conjunction with Chick-Fil-A.  Our community partner, the Chick-Fil-A on Westheimer, has graciously provided the curriculum.  Each month we focus on a particular character trait.  There are classroom lessons as well as “at home”  activities.  Check your Gator Mail each week for a link to family activities you can do at home.  You can also access a copy by clicking on the "Documents" tab to the left.  Our character trait for October is INITIATIVE.

     Also, I will now be teaching a class each week to second and third graders as a part of their specials rotation.  So far we have focused on gathering facts before reacting or making decisions, emotions – how to read facial expressions and respond empathetically, respecting each other (special thanks to the Parent’s Club for purchasing “The Six Pillars of Character” video series,) bullying and kindness.  

     The final exciting change for this school year is a book study with Early Childhood parents beginning Tuesday, October 5^th.  The book selection is “Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood:  Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years,” by Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D.  Feel free to join us the first Tuesday of the month in the Molly Ann Smith Building at 8:15.  Click on the "Calendar" tab to the left for dates.  

     GUIDANCE LESSONS:  I will continue to see each class for regularly scheduled guidance lessons.  I  started the year with one of my favorite books, “Have You Filled a Bucket Today,” by Carol McCloud.  It teaches that everyone carries around an invisible bucket. The bucket’s only  purpose is to hold all of your good thoughts and feelings about yourself.  Everything we say or do either fill’s someone’s bucket (a bucket filler) or dips into someone’s bucket (a bucket dipper.)  Our words and actions can powerfully help or hurt.  It’s an amazing story, beautifully illustrated, and leaves a lasting impression on readers.

     PARENT LENDING LIBRARY:  There are some great resources for all types of issues including ADHD, sibling rivalry, lying, grief/trauma, doing chores and many, many others.  Click on the "Documents" tab to the left for a complete list.

      Please feel free to contact me if you would like to have a particular topic addressed in my newsletter, or if I can be of assistance to you and your family.

 Truth vs. Fantasy:  Children love emotion, especially small children.  When a child tells a story that is either a tall tale or untrue, parents can unknowingly “reward” the behavior with their response.  If the parent responds in a challenging way such as, “Now Johnny, you know that isn’t true, you did not……” there is an immediate emotional payoff (adult frustration is sometimes entertaining!)  The child realizes that he can get mom’s attention by making something up.  It is much better to respond with, “Wow, if that were true, wouldn’t it be fun!”  The implied message is that you both know the story is not true.  If the child persists, simply reply, “Well honey, Mommy sees it differently.”  You are modeling two great skills:  1) how to stay calm when being lied to and 2) how to disagree appropriately. 

Lying to Avoid a Consequence:   When you suspect your child is lying, it is fine to respond, “I don’t believe you!”  If they continue with,“But, it’s the truth!”  you say,  “Did I say it wasn’t the truth?" Child, “No.”    Parent, “What did I say?”  Child, “That you don’t believe me.”  Parent, “Right, thank you.”   Child, “But, it’s still the truth.”  Parent, “Well, maybe, but if you’re telling me the truth, and I don’t believe you, it’s sad for both of us.  If you are lying about lying, it is doubly bad.  How sad for you!”  Follow the conversation with a meaningful consequence.   (Note:  If you happen to find out later that the child was indeed telling the truth, it is important to go to him (or her) and apologize.  Don’t grovel!  Just tell him how happy you are to find out he was not lying and that you will be more likely to believe him in the future.  Depending on the consequence dealt, it may be necessary for you to make restitution to him.  This behavior models a very important skill:  How to be wrong! 

“One-upping” a Friend:  Exaggeration is a form of lying which is very common among school-age children.  The best response is something like, “Well, I guess everyone wishes for a new bike,”  or,“I know you wish we could go to the circus, the beach AND Europe over the summer.  Me too.”   Again, you are implying that you both know the truth.  (This tactic works well for classroom teachers, too.) 

Cheating to Win:  It is important that cheating never “work” for your child.  Instead of accusing, the following words focus on how to lose:  “The really great winners are the ones who can handle losing.  I think you’d be a lot happier if you handle losing like you handle winning.”  Also, remember that the natural consequence for cheating is that no one wants to play with  a cheater.  Don’t try to  protect your child from this consequence if he or she consistently cheats.  Instead, try to develop a child who is strong enough to handle the consequence.  “If anyone can handle not having very many friends, it’s you!”  The implied message here is— if you cheat, expect to lose friends. 

When You Actually Know What Happened:  NEVER, NEVER question a child when you know the truth.  We set kids up to lie when we ask them a question, and we already know the answer.  The following is an example of dialog with an older child who is lying:   

Mom, “April – I heard some very sad news about you today.  I heard you were looking  through Mrs. Bridge’s desk.”  April, “No – I didn’t do that.”  Mom, “Well, I don’t want  to talk about it now, but I must say I’m disappointed. You need to run on upstairs to  the time out room and give it some thought.  You need to decide how you are going to  handle this  situation.  If you can’t figure out how to handle it, then I think I can.  I think Mrs. Bridges might like your ideas better than mine.”  April, “You never believe me!” Mom, “What did I say?”   Don’t let yourself get hooked into arguing with a child.  Keep bringing the conversation back to “...and what did I say?”

Have a great summer!  See you in August. 

When you “peel away” the many layers of symptoms, most anxiety has inadequacy at its core.  Children basically feel that they will not be able to handle a feared situation should it happen.  They become dependent upon adults to keep the bad feelings at bay.  As caring adults we try to intervene by 1) helping them avoid things that trigger the fear, or 2) by calming, reassuring and in general, trying to talk them out of the fear.  Anxiety, however, is only cured by facing the fear.  With continued practice,  exposure and encouragement (giving them the “can-do” message,) the child slowly develops the skill set necessary to cope with the overwhelming feelings.

More important than curing is preventing.  Parents can help "anxiety- proof” their children by allowing them to do everything they can on their own.  Every time a child tries and fails repeatedly until he experiences success, he internalizes some important concepts; he learns the value of patience, perseverance and persistence.  The pay-off is priceless: SELF-CONFIDENCE!  Children with lots of self-confidence are rarely anxious.

So, give your child many opportunities to try new things, to work independently with lots of encouragement from you.  Remember, when you do things for your child that they can or should be doing for themselves, you are sending a strong implied message that they are incapable.

 Janet Mueller, LPC