Roommate relationship tips

    One of the more daunting aspects of survival at a residential school is dealing with your roommate. Not that it's particularly difficult, but it often looms over the impending school year. We want to make sure you're armed with the tools and techniques to effectively communicate and get along with your roommate.


It helps if you can think about how your react to things, so you can tell your roommate what to expect or watch for.

If you're upset by something, you'll probably do __________.
You can be cheered up by __________.
Please just leave you alone when __________.
You get tense and nervous when __________.
You get annoyed when __________.
Any other ways you can help define yourself will only make it easier on you and your roommate.

You don't have to be best friends with your roommate.
Although it's obviously best to be on good terms with your roommate, you don't need to be together all the time and be best friends; often, roommates aren't best friends, but that's okay. As long as you both know how the other wants to be treated and respects that, your success at living together will be greatly increased.

It's important to be tolerant of your roommate. You'll meet people at the MSSM from many backgrounds, including different races, religions, and sexual orientations. It is extremely important for you to be open-minded and honest when discussing and dealing with issues, especially with your roommate.

Ask questions, be open
Try to set aside stereotypes
Listen to your roommate!
Conflict resolution
It's pretty likely that you'll have at least one conflict with your roommate, in all honesty. The magnitude of the conflict will vary, but here are some ideas to help you in any situation:

Address the problem or issue immediately!
Listen to your roommate's views
Don't wait for your roommate to say something about what's bothering you
Negotiate, be flexible.
Bring your RA or the Residential director into the discussion if you can't resolve the problem

    You're moving into a room smaller than your closet at home—
and you have to share it with someone you've never met.

Welcome to college!

Tips on getting along in 144 square feet or less.


Communicate
Other than a spouse, there is probably no other person in the world you will get to know as well as your roommate. Even if you bond instantly, there may be moments when your roomie's little quirks get on your nerves. Letting things fester (in that tiny little space) can turn an annoyance into a misery. Communication—both talking and listening will be the key to a great relationship.

Stuff: Less is more
By the time you've managed to fit in 2 beds, the mini fridge, mini microwave, computer, CD-changer and TV—will there be any room for clothes (not to mention a few books??) There is no way you are going to duplicate all the comforts of home. The less you bring, the less you have to keep track of and maintain.

Borrowing Rule #1 Don't.
Rule #2 If you absolutely must borrow something, always ask permission first. Return it in the promised timeframe and in the condition it was in when borrowed. If you damage or lose something you borrow, you are responsible for replacing it. Can't afford to replace it? See rule #1.
Nothing causes more strife between roommates and friends than borrowing - money, food, clothes, CDs, sports equipment.

Neatness
If the law of averages works, one of you will be extremely neat and the other extremely messy. Here is where you learn the great art of communication and compromise. Mom doesn't live here, but you do. The neatnik will have to learn to tolerate life's imperfections. The slob, well, it's time to start picking up after yourself.

Lights Out
It's inevitable. One of you will have an 8 AM class and the other will want to study until 2 AM. Work out routines for late night studying (is there a lounge?) late night returns (tiptoe and use a flashlight?), early morning classes (tiptoe out and dress in the bathroom?). Everyone needs their zzz's.

Quiet Time
Most dorms have quiet hours. Loud music, parties, or socializing in the hall will not be appreciated by your fellow dorm-mates and are a one-way ticket to unpopularity.

Irreconcilable Differences
When the course of rooming does not run smooth, seek counsel. Your hall or dorm will have an RA (Resident Advisor) who is usually an older student or grad student—young enough to remember what it was like to be a freshman, but old enough to give good advice. Chances are you and your roomie are together for better or worse until June.

Communication is the biggest key to any relationship, and roommates are no different.
Open up the channels of communication early: Talk frankly about how excited you are, if you are nervous, etc. Get it out; they probably feel the same way. Doing so will establish that you're both committed to making it work, even when the honeymoon is over.

Look at yourself and your own habits, think of what a roommate would most likely complain about and point blank say "Look, if my [snoring, late nights, music, etc] become a problem tell me". In selecting a roommate you want to make sure that your lifestyles won't conflict.

Message Board
Setup a flat message board, such as a fridge whiteboard or notepad in kitchen area. Some things, though, are better to talk about in person. Don't say, "Clean the bathroom"; say "Give me a call when you get a chance". Nobody likes to be told what to do or be "talked at", think about things from their shoes, even if you may be mad at them.

Speaking of getting mad ... avoid waiting until your roommate steps on your toes before saying something. When you sense a situation could occur talk to them ahead of time. Don't stew about things, get it out, chances are he/she will appreciate you talking to them instead of moping around. A little effort and maturity is a worthwhile investment, it will go a long way towards helping you enjoy your place. Sometimes you will have to be the bigger man, so to say.

Disagreements
Handling disagreements in a functional way is difficult. Like any relationship, it will have its ups and downs. How things go when it's "down" determines how happy you are.

Remember, you're unhappy (to put it mildly), and your goal is to become happy again. This will involve some charm and charisma on your part. Being the one to initiate things is usually the best way to accomplish this: It puts you in control, demonstrates your willingness to work things out, and takes the burden off of them somewhat.

Think through a given situation before you approach your roommate, run through the conversation in your head. What are you going to say? What are they going to say back? And so forth.

Remember, it will take both of you to make things work, part of that requires you to understand your roommate's position. The other is to effectively communicate yours, and persuade them into seeing it. Unless you're living with a complete jerk, your roommate will be willing to work with you once he understands where you are coming from. Using the understanding of his position to illuminate yours will let you talk as non-combatively as possible.

Some things cannot be lined with roses, though. If you have to be blunt, say so. Add that you're not trying to be unreasonable, but you feel strongly, and want to work things out.

Nothing is gained if you "suck it up" or by backing down when its time to talk. The same can be said of going on a rant and yelling at them. The key is to get your point across without putting them on the defensive. Once someone is in a defensive mood any rational conversation is impossible. Table a discussion for an hour if things get heated up, but don't let them drag out over days. That's days of unresolved misery for you.

Avoid heat of passion "discussions" by bringing up problems before they come to a boiling point. Again, talk to your roommate. Telling your friends for weeks about how they have been annoying you will eventually culminate with you loosing your cool. The longer you put off talking to the other person the longer you're unhappy.

Nobody likes to be mad, and good discussions often come easier than you'd think, with just a little effort to approach them and share your feelings.

Be reachable!
Chances are you probably have a cell phone, but if you don't, consider getting one. Pagers are also nearly as handy and cost a lot less if you're on a tight budget. This will give your roommate (and friends) a way to get hold of you any time, and at least give you a message. Most severe roommate problems arise from one person "broad siding" another; be it with a house unexpectedly full of people or "borrowing food" without asking.

Friends
A common contention; sometimes its not your roommate that can drive you crazy, it's his or her obnoxious friends. Think about that before moving in with someone, you'll be in the company of their friends as well as themselves. Are you OK with them being around with you not there?

Frustrations easily mount when you or your roommate come home to a bunch of guests unexpectedly. Unless you're both social butterflies 24x7, agree to talk to the other person by cell phone/pager before you give the go ahead for your "crew" to swing by for some brews and watch the game. Again, in deciding on a roommate this is another point to check and make sure your lifestyles don't conflict. You're looking for someone with whom most of the time will not have a problem with people coming over when you want. When one of you wants to keep it quiet one night, it won't be a big deal.

Bedrooms
Bedroom locations are a major key to enjoying your living area. If your bedroom isn't a place you feel comfortable, you're going to be unhappy and prone to having problems with your roommate. Check a prospective place out before agreeing to share it. Online floor plans greatly help with this.

Wall sharing with common areas, other apartment units, and other bedrooms are the biggest things to think about. For example, if your roommate says he likes to play PlayStation 2 until 3am and you like to hit the sack at midnight, avoid sharing a wall with the TV. Usually you won't have much flexibility in floor plans, and you'll have to choose between sharing a wall with a common area, or another bedroom. Weight things out: If you're a night owl, sharing a wall with the TV area might be the way to go.

Doorways and bathrooms are another thing to remember. Your roommate will be coming in and out of these while you're trying to sleep, do they need to travel by your door? Sharing a wall with the bathroom may look good, but at 6am when the noisy shower wakes you up your feelings may change. Check things out, run the shower, see how loud it is (you should check out the water pressure anyway!). Remember things will be quieter once your things are there, too, but don't count on it.

Like to sleep in? A window that lets sunlight at the crack of dawn may be something to avoid. Also, nearby roads can wake you up, especially in the winter plowing season. Think about distance and sheltering from the street, as well as parking.