What do we really need to ensure that both our partner/spouse and ourselves have a balanced life between family and career? In my opinion, there are three key things that may help:
1. Plan ahead.
2. Mutual personal and career support.
3. Count all our blessings.
Below I copy-paste three postings. The first one is an article from Nature Jobs titled "The course of true love never did run smooth". The second one is my letter to the editor of Nature Jobs responding to that article. And finally the third is another article published by Nature Jobs as a continuation on this topic, titled "Lab loves lost and found: readers respond".
[1] http://www.nature.com/naturejobs/2007/070322/full/nj7134-463a.html
The course of true love never did run smooth.
It's strange, but recently all I seem to hear about are young scientists whose relationships have broken down. OK, that's a slight exaggeration. But I did run into one of Naturejobs' former writers for Graduate Journal at a postdoc retreat the other week, only to find out that they had just undergone a divorce. Not long after, a chat with a friend revealed that her brother's relationship had ended when he began his PhD studies. These tales of woe reminded me of another Graduate Journal writer who got divorced while he was working on his dissertation. And that got me thinking about the effect that building a scientific career can have on relationships.
I don't have any facts or figures about relationship issues among PhD scientists, but I suspect that they get married later than the average, and experience more romantic difficulties than normal earlier in their career. But why? First, I suspect that location can exert a significant pressure. When someone selects a postdoc or a first job, it's unlikely to be close to wherever a spouse or a partner already works — especially if the partner is also in academia. That means young scientists must either limit their job search, expect their partner to move with them, or carry out a long-distance relationship. A choice that is less than satisfactory.
Then there's time. Running experiments, teaching and writing papers and grants all consume more time than a 'normal' working week. It takes a very understanding partner to put up with that day after day. No one likes to be stood up for a romantic dinner because their partner had to run to the lab to check on gels.
Finally, there's stress, which tends to come from things that are beyond your control. Even if you crank out first-rate data, draft brilliant papers and write compelling grant applications, ultimate success often lies in someone else's hands. It is no mean feat keeping your composure in the face of such ceaseless challenges.
I have no solid data to support this thesis, other than a few anecdotes and some loose correlations. I'd love to be proved wrong, but need some better data. So please send any relevant stories or figures to me at naturejobseditor@naturedc.com.
[2] -----Original Message-----
From: Gea Parikesit - TNW
Sent: Sun 3/25/2007 21:55
To: naturejobseditor@naturedc.com
Subject: RE: Naturejobs - The course of true love never did run smooth
Dear Sir,
Having read your latest article in Naturejobs, with the subject on romantic difficulties faced by PhD scientists ( http://www.nature.com/naturejobs/2007/070322/full/nj7134-463a.html ), I would like to share my own personal experience.
I met my wife in 2003, when I just started my PhD research and she just commenced her MSc program in the same university. We got married in 2004, and we now have a 1-year-old daughter. At the moment I am finishing my PhD in Applied Physics, while my wife is engaging her own PhD in Mechanical Engineering. Later this year I will start my first post-doctoral research, still in the same university but in a different department.
Hence combining two PhD studies, even added with raising a young child, is not impossible. Are my wife and I lucky? Probably yes. But we certainly think that some things really help us in performing all those tasks:
1. In the country where my wife and I do our PhD research, the universities treat PhD students as employees with fixed-term contracts. This helps us professionally, because it ensures that we have secured our future at least until the end of our PhD contract. Related to this, the national regulation in this country also give us our parental rights, such as maternity leave for my wife and possibilities of parental leave for myself.
2. When my wife and I decided to be together, we have explored each other's vision, and we know exactly what our dreams are. Fighting for the same cause, we always support each other in facing professional as well as personal difficulties in our life. This also helps us to determine what our priorities are and stick to them.
3. Whenever we feel down and stressed, we always count our blessings. It sounds cliche, but it works very well. And we may indeed be very lucky, considering some blessings that we have: our supervisors are family-persons who understand our efforts in balancing professional and family life; we have managed so far to obtain research positions that suits our scientific interests as well as our family conditions; etc.
Perhaps the course of true love never did run smooth, but things can be done to help make it smoother.
Meanwhile, the difficulties you have mentioned in your article are factual, but they do not only happen among PhD scientists. A person who is fully engaging any other career would very likely face similar dilemma.
I hope this can add to your data on the subject of romantic difficulties faced by PhD scientists.
[3] http://www.nature.com/naturejobs/2007/070809/full/nj7154-723a.html
Lab loves lost and found: readers respond.
For scientists, much like for everyone else, the course of true love rarely runs smooth. But after we discussed the hurdles faced by career-conscious researchers as they pursue romantic relationships (see Nature 446, 463; 2007), we received a flood of letters underlining just how hard it is to mix love and the lab. Fortunately, not all the stories were of love lost. One note described a marriage that has lasted despite each person's professional ambitions. It took ten years for the pair to take a chance on love — they worried that a relationship combined with their careers would make things too complicated. Once they got married, things got very complicated. Far-flung job opportunities meant living apart and left them making frequent flights to meet up — while watching their bank accounts rapidly empty.
In a search for data on lab relationships, another reader conducted an informal survey of 52 scientists. She found that 14 were married to other scientists based in the same lab or others, nearly as many were single, about half as many were in relationships with other scientists, and a few were divorced.
Other stories showed how intrusive lab life can be. One boss insisted that the best science takes place between 5 p.m. and midnight — even while he lamented his own fractured family life. Another told his graduate students that travel and love lives are not conducive to being a successful scientist.
One reader offered his secrets to success. He and his wife, PhD candidates in applied physics and mechanical engineering, respectively, have a one-year-old child. He attributes their success to working under fixed-term contracts — which helps them plan ahead — mutual personal and career support, and remembering to count one's blessings when work and family life seem overwhelming.
Career-related obstacles to relationships aren't unique to science, of course. But scientists would do well to recognize that the search for love, especially among career-driven professionals, can be every bit as complicated as the secrets of nature they are attempting to unravel.