The Theory of “The Revolt of the Inanimate Object”

I begin by giving full creative and editorial credit for this theory to my brother-in-law, Wayne Jimison. Wayne is a guy who almost always has a grin on his face and a twinkle in his eye. He can entertain kids for hours with his neat little sleight of hand tricks and illusions. He can entertain both kids and adults with stories of the many, many things he had read about, studied or just deeply thought about. Through his mental exercises and analysis, he developed his theory of “The Revolt of the Inanimate Object”. Wayne always said that Murphy was close. In “Murphy's Law” he explained what happened but not how or why. Wayne knows both.

It probably all started one day as I came in from working on something and was angry because I had lost something (probably an auto part) and couldn't find it. And I probably said something about Murphy's Law. And Wayne would say, “No. It is all a part of the Revolt of the Inanimate Object. He went on to explain it (in a way that many of you will identify with) this way:

“First of all, inanimate objects have two characteristics that are generally unrecognized. They have intellect and mobility. And they use these characteristics to harass humans and to drive them crazy. They will try to confuse or confound humans any way they can. They will work individually or as teams to achieve their goals. Their goal is to drive us into extinction. They once ruled the world. They had no superiors. Their life was great. Then came the dinosaurs who populated and populated to the point where they created a threat to the power and sovereignty of the inanimate objects. It was not cataclysmic event that lead to the disappearance of the dinosaur. It was a carefully planned and executed operation of the inanimate objects of that time. Life became peaceful to them again and their reign was restored. When man came into the realm of the inanimate objects, they viewed him as so insignificant compared to the dinosaur that they just ignored him. Now man has populated and populated to the point that he has become a threat to the inanimate objects of today. So they have started their revolt. But man also has intellect and mobility and will not be driven into extinction easily.

As an example of the revolt of inanimate objects, think back a little. Remember when your phone would ring? You would go answer it and right beside it was usually a pad of paper and a pen in case you needed to write down some information. Most people, at some time during a phone conversation, would pick up the pen and start to doodle. Then at the end of the conversation, they would lay down the pen. Then they would tear off the doodle page and toss it in the waste basket.

Then there comes a time when on a phone call you really do need to write down something and guess what? Right! The pen is missing. It is nowhere to be found. You excuse yourself to go look for another pen. You return and continue the conversation, take down notes and when finished you hang up the phone. Lay down the pen. And there it is. The missing pen has reappeared. The individual revolt has begun.

But what about the fact that inanimate objects work in teams? Think about locks and keys. Now there is a team of inanimate objects if there ever was one. The first example of their teamwork evolves around your car. You drive your car to work everyday. You put your key in the door lock You unlock it. You lock it. Over and over. Then there comes a time when, on your way home you stop for groceries. With two large bags in your arms and your car keys in your hand, you head out of the store. Its raining. You get to the car and there the team of lock and key revolt. You can't get the key in the door lock. But when you fianally do, its the wrong key. You finally find the right key, struggle to get it in the lock, drop a bag of groceries which splits open scattering groceries all around. Finally you get the door open. You set the remaining bag down and gather the scattered goods. Finally you get in the car totally drenched. Now what has happened? The car keys and the car door lock have teamed up in revolt. Now here you could stop this episode of the revolt. How? As a counter measure, just laugh at the situation. Hopefully you were ahead of them instead of vice versa. Because if you really get angry, the battery (also a member of the team) will run down because you left the lights on and you won't be able to start your car.

Speaking of locks and keys, lets make it from the super market to home-be it house or apartment. Different set of keys and a different lock. With your arms full of groceries, you attempt to unlock your house door. But just before you insert your key, you hear something from inside the house. What do you normally hear at this point? Of course, the telephone. Now try to unlock the door. More teamwork by inanimate objects. You end up dropping a bag (or maybe two) of groceries, get the door open and run to grab the phone. What happens next is obvious. Either the caller hung up or it is a telemarketer. But regardless, the team of inanimate objects has won that skirmish. But while you are standing there fuming, go ahead and check to see that the pad and pen are there.”

Wayne and I have discussed his theory over the years and I have given it a lot of thought. Every day or so, you will see evidence of the revolt. For example, why is it that when you are working on your car and you drop a tool or a part, it will fall to the farthest unreachable point under the car?

Why does my “left turn traffic light” always short cycle?

Where is the odd sock?

Why does the cash register run out of paper when my turn comes to checkout?

You never thought about this did you? Want to add yours? Send it to the email address on the title page and I'll publish it and give you credit for it.