INTRODUCTION

Part 3 Chapter Six Winning a Man’s Admiration

Once in a while nearly all of us come across persons who strive valiantly to please us, yet who somehow succeed only in arousing our disgust.

If, for example, the irritating person is a woman, we can't help expecting her to respect herself as a
human being, queen of all the earth's creatures, and the equal of every other human being. We naturally expect her to demand and obtain respect from others for this divinely independent, unexcelled, and self-sufficing completeness of hers. When, instead, we see this creature, whom nature intended to be queen of all the earth, cringing in self-effacement before ourselves her equals, our sensibilities are shocked and our estimation of human beings in general, including ourselves, is put to shame. Hence our embarrassment and disgust.

With the great majority of men, pride and self-respect are absolutely the first essentials for the woman who is to be a wife. The kind of men who do not insist upon these essentials are the kind of men to whom no girl should dare to trust her future happiness.

Whether in the forms just mentioned or in the thousand and one modifications of them, lack of pride and self-respect is always distasteful. Unless you respect yourself as the divine creature nature intended woman to be, others cannot respect you. Unless you have pride in yourself, you cannot maintain the proper bearing in your association with others, either in business, family, or social life…Consequently, though these qualities were touched upon in the last chapter as among the essentials of personal magnetism, they now deserve a longer discussion.

The Right Use of Pride.

Instead of being aggressive, bragging, or overbearing, true pride is contented, quiet, and considerate of
others. The truly proud person, though satisfied with her equality in any association, considers it so self-evident that insistence is unnecessary. She has such a high respect for women in general that she would not think of suggesting that any other woman, no matter how handicapped in circumstances, was not her own equal. She has the same wholesome respect for men. She can appreciate and admire advantages which she herself lacks, while not thinking the less of herself for it.

                                                                           BODY

The best rule for maintaining such a pride was propounded long ago by John Locke, when he instructed us "not to think meanly of ourselves, and not to think meanly of others."

The first half, which will now be discussed in detail, requires you to associate as frequently as possible with the persons who abash you, thus overcoming your fear by familiarity, and requires, in addition, that you acquire the proper mental attitude toward yourself, thus convincing you of your equality with any other human being, and showing this equality in your actions and manner.

Among the first things to do is to remove all sense of inferiority, diffidence, and inequality, from your mind. You are just as good as the person who abashes you; you were born with the same eyes, ears, mind, tongue, and other properties; the only difference between you is that you do not think highly of what you are and have, while the other does. You are an independent being, a woman, with a mind that can grasp anything, if it only will, with a soul as pure and glorious as any on earth… When you see some one whom you are inclined to think superior, say to yourself: "Everything she has, I can have, if I only try hard enough to get it; everything she can do, I can do, if I only try long enough to accomplish it; just because she has done or can do things that I cannot is no reason for thinking she is better than myself, for I haven't even tried. I am sure that if I did try, hard enough and long enough, I would prove myself her equal in every respect." In short, when you meet some one with superior accomplishments, you can admire her for having put forth the effort necessary to acquire that accomplishment, but you need not consider yourself inferior simply because you have thus far not chosen to put forth the effort.

If you have a proper pride and self-respect, you will never permit yourself, if avoidable, to appear at a disadvantage. You will appreciate that there are certain duties and a certain reverence which you owe to your own person, the first of which is that you be esteemed at your full value in any association. A proud and self-respecting girl will not permit herself to be handicapped by a slouchy hair-dress, dowdy clothing, by coarse speech or vulgar manner. She will have so much pride in herself that she will study and work without ceasing until such defects have been corrected… Only when she has not sufficient pride to put forth the necessary effort, will she fail to win the respect of her associates.

Removing Your Handicaps

Perhaps the most frequent cause among women for not being able to achieve self-respect and self-reliance, is a lack of such material advantages as clothes, money, or a formal education. Many sensitive women, lacking one or more of these advantages, cringe in consternation before the malicious snobs whose only use of the same advantages is to mock and scorn the misfortunes of others. These execrable cowards seem to derive a fiendish joy from making others feel inferior; they no sooner sight a victim than they begin a parade of their possessions and accomplishments that would shame a savage gloating over his beads. Though sensitive and genuinely gentle women are always discomposed somewhat in the face of such rude barbarity, most of them, with a little thought, can ultimately succeed in giving it the contempt and indifference it deserves. There are hundreds of women without her advantages, before whom the snob is helpless and to whom she is obliged to pay unwilling reverence. These are the women who are superior to her vulgar tactics. You can, with a little effort, become one of these.

The very sensitiveness with which you respond to the tactics of the snob is an indication that you in reality are of finer metal and more exquisite sensibilities than she. So long as you continue to show this sensitiveness outwardly, so long will the snob continue her coarse pastime of playing upon it. The minute, however, you stop showing pain at her jibes, she will lose all pleasure in making them and will transfer her attentions to another. More, she will respect you for your superiority to her vulgarity. The snob cannot help feeling a wholesome admiration for those who are superior to her attack, no matter whether the superiority is due to material advantages or to an independent and proud attitude of mind. Your attitude of mind is really the most important factor in determining how either the snob or anyone else is going to treat you.

CONCLUSION

It is now established that no matter what handicaps of circumstances you suffer, you are not to think meanly of yourself. We now come to the second half of the rule for maintaining a perfect pride, that is, not to think meanly of others. If you have taken to heart the lessons in Chapter V, you have already made great progress in this direction. The game of winning hearts outlined in that chapter will prove invaluable to you. If, in playing this game, you seek for and find the things to appreciate in everyone with whom you come in contact, you will certainly not think meanly of them. Moreover, in finding ways to show that you appreciate the best in people, you will lose most of your self-consciousness, if you have any. You will be thinking of them, not of yourself-and this is the only healthy way of thinking.

Remember, however, that everyone is a human being, entitled to respect and reverence as such, and that there is not on earth anything nobler, finer, and lovelier than a human being. The higher your conception is of human beings in general, the higher will be your pride in yourself as one of them. To show a lack of courteous appreciation of anyone you meet is only to show a decline in the quick intelligence and fine perception expected of a cultured person. Nothing else is more quickly calculated to give you a coarse, vulgar, and wholly unattractive character.

The best way to indicate the high respect you have for people you meet is to make a sincere effort to win their own respect for you. This will require that you avoid anything and everything likely to hurt their feelings, every omission of form or manners indicative of indifference to their good opinion, every suggestion in act and word of a lack of appreciation of what they may consider important. If, for example, you meet a prim little old lady whose lifetime has been devoted to a worship of the conventions, don't show by trampling on those conventions, disrespect for her sensitiveness. If you dine with some honest soul who prides herself on her cooking, don't refuse a second helping, or let her surmise from any other action that you are less than delighted with her culinaries. If a hostess is anxious that her guests should be impressed with the culture and refinement of her home, do not frustrate her hopes by boisterous conduct or unkind argument. If, on the contrary, her thoughts are centered mainly on everyone's having an uproariously good time, help her out by being uproariously jolly yourself.

                                       HW ASSIGNMENT Chapter Six Winning a Man’s Admiration.

  Please email me at 1Femmy@gmail.com with your answers, "name" and                              assignment number.  

Due by midnight, Wednesday, August 12, 2009.  Thank you. 

1.       To a man, what is the first essential qualification for a wife?

2.       What kind of man should a woman not marry?

3.       Fill in: “Instead of being _________, _________, or ____________, true pride is ____________, ________, and _______________ of others.”

4.       List at least three ways “not to think meanly of ourselves.”

5.       Explain this sentence: “If you have a proper pride and self-respect, you will never permit yourself, if avoidable, to appear at a disadvantage.”

6.       What is the best way to treat a snob?

7.       Explain: “Remember, however, that everyone is a human being, entitled to respect and reverence as such, and that there is not on earth anything nobler, finer, and lovelier than a  human being.”

8.        What is the best way to indicate high respect for people you meet?  List the four examples given in the reading.