INTRODUCTION

In many cases, after the desire is created, you need only set the stage and the desire will be transformed into action. But in many other cases, there is something that stands between the man and his desire….He has passed through the first three of the five stages of winning a man--attention, interest, and desire, and is now stopping at the fourth stage--judgment. THE OBJECTIONS OF JUDGMENT ALWAYS STAND BETWEEN DESIRE AND ACTION. These objections must be overcome before you can get him to act upon his desire to marry.

Standing between the man's desire to marry the girl and his asking her consent are two classes of objections. The first class covers his objections to marrying anyone. The second class covers his objections to marrying this particular girl.

We shall now consider the first class. Probably the most common cause of hesitation in a young man who likes and wants to marry a certain girl, is that he FEARS HE CAN'T EARN ENOUGH TO SUPPORT A WIFE. In many cases, he not only fears it, but knows it. When this is the case, unfortunately, he does not frankly come out and tell the girl that he would like to marry her but that he can't afford it...Instead, he will often pay attention to her for months and yet give no inkling of his desire to marry....As long, however, as the man continues to show interest in her, the girl should not lose heart. She should study him and try to guess what objection it is that is holding him back… But the following method is both lady-like and effective.

Use every occasion to get the man to talk about his future, his plans, his expectations, and ambitions. Try to make him forget his present humble position and live in the imaginative future. Talk about his successful and glorious future as if to you it is a certain and definite
thing, as if there can be no doubt whatever in your mind about it... You must build castles in the air for him, and maintain that it will only be a matter of two or three years before these castles will be built upon solid ground.

Sometimes, even when a man knows he is earning enough to support a wife, he still hesitates to go ahead because he is uncertain about his future. He may be earning enough now, he thinks, but is he sure that he will continue to earn enough? May he not have bad luck,
lose his position, or may not conditions change so as to make his earning capacity less? There are thousands of these overly cautious young men. The only thing the girl can do is to bolster his self-confidence, use the "castle-in-the-air-method," in much the same manner as
already described, until this safety-first man finally asks her to wait for him until he is sure that his earning ability is a permanent thing.

BODY

Another obstacle that sometimes stands in the way of a man's getting married is the fact that he has a mother to support, or an aged father, or smaller brothers and sisters. Many men who apparently have no one dependent upon them, especially men living alone in big cities, are obliged to send a big part of their earnings home every month to contribute to the support of others.

In a case such as this, if the girl will only wait patiently, the man will sooner or later tell her about the father or mother or brother or sister who is dependent upon him. He may not, of course, admit that they are dependent, but the girl can usually surmise the facts. The next move, if these dependents are not too far away, is to get the man to let her meet them. She then tries to win the love of his charges for herself…. The girl then approves of his sacrifices for his dependents, admires him for them, and otherwise intimates that she would not, under any circumstances, expect him to do otherwise. The man begins to feel that if he were married to her she would not object to his using a part of his income for the support of his other dependents. Thus is part of the obstacle removed. Then the girl adopts the plan explained before, of enthusiastically picturing his future until he feels certain that within two or three years he will make so much more money that he will be able to support a wife in spite of his other obligations.

Too often, however, the man has a dependent mother or sister so selfish that she is unalterably opposed to his marriage to anyone at all. When the girl meets such dependents, she not only fails to win their affection for herself, but arouses them to bitter opposition. In other cases these dependents look upon the son as already overburdened with responsibility, and, not because of selfishness, but because of their anxiety for him, oppose his adding the support of a wife to his other burdens. In either of these situations, the obstacle is not easily overcome, because to the man's own doubts has been added the open and confirming objections of others. He may become so discouraged that he gives up the idea of marriage altogether.

Although the average girl does not realize it, all this indulgence in day dreams is necessary to make the average young man brave and self-confident enough to undertake her support….For the sake of convenience, we have been calling the process of creating this atmosphere the "castle-in-the-air method." It will have to be used constantly.

Sometimes a man appears to have no obligations toward dependent relatives, but has other obligations that are just as binding. For example, one young man had gone into debt about two thousand dollars in order to finish his college education... Here was an obstacle to getting married that was practically impossible to overcome except by applying the "castle-in-the-air method," reviving his enthusiasm, until he finally feels that his future success is so sure that he need not be afraid to ask the girl to wait for him.

It is almost impossible to enumerate the secret obligations a man may have which prevent his considering marriage. Among them, however, we must not overlook the possibility that he may be obligated to another girl… The young man waits and waits, hoping that something will occur to release him from his obligation, and the girl he desires wonders why he never asks her the all-important question. Her disappointment, however, is nothing compared to the misery of the young man.

Another obstacle that is sometimes insurmountable is ill health. Many an apparently strong man is a victim of diabetes, heart trouble, or some other disorder. He may know there is a strain of insanity or some other hereditary disorder in the family blood. He therefore dares not marry for fear of bringing unhappiness upon the girl he loves….When a man fails to speak out, remember that he sometimes can't do as he pleases.

The difficulty in cases like this, is that when the man fails to speak out the girl has no means of knowing what the obstacle is and whether it is insurmountable or not. All she can do is to use the "castle-in-the-air method" for a month or two. This failing, she can often bring matters to a head BY ACCEPTING THE ATTENTIONS OF OTHER MEN AND AROUSING THE JEALOUSY OF THE MAN SHE WANTS. In most cases, this will either cause him to speak out or drop out. If he speaks out, the girl can use her own judgment as to what to do next. If he drops out, she can usually conclude that there is an insurmountable obstacle to his marriage. If he neither speaks out or drops out, but continues to show a marked interest in her, she can ordinarily surmise that the obstacle is insurmountable at present, but that he has hopes of getting around it later.

 CONCLUSION

Obstacles That Prevent Marriage--Group 2.

We now turn from the obstacles which would prevent his proposing marriage to any girl, and consider those which would prevent his proposing marriage to one girl in particular.

The first of these which will now be considered is diffidence, distrust of himself, or a sense of unworthiness or inferiority….The bravest and most self-possessed man loses his bravery and self-possession when in the presence of the girl he worships. If he is of the right stuff, he can't help feeling unworthy in the presence of this angelic creature. He hesitates to put his fate to the test for fear that he will be exiled altogether. HE MAY CALL ON HER A SCORE OF TIMES WITH THE INTENTION OF ASKING THE MOMENTOUS QUESTION, ONLY TO LOSE HEART AT THE LAST MOMENT AND PUT IT OFF UNTIL ANOTHER TIME.

The average girl can usually tell when a man is in this predicament. She knows what the matter is when he hems and haws and turns hot under the collar, or when he acts like Zekle in Lowell's delightful poem:

"He stood a spell on one foot fust,
Then stood a spell on t'other,
An' on which one he felt the wust,
He couldn't ha' told ye nuther."

This provoking or teasing of a man is a fine art indeed. It shows the man that she knows his
tenderness for her, that she knows she can take liberties with him; it shows him that it isn't necessary for him to tell her that he loves her and that she has no objection to his affection for her…It is lady-like, modest, and irresistible. PROVOKED UNTIL HE FEELS LIKE SHAKING THE GIRL FOR PLAYING WITH HIS TENDERNESS FOR HER, THE MAN FINDS HIMSELF KISSING HER INSTEAD. When she then gasps, drops her eyes, and demurely waits in hushed expectancy for him to explain himself, what can the harassed man do but tell his story?

The next obstacle we shall consider is the man’s pride. Perhaps the man can support a wife, but only in a modest way, and not at all in the way to which she is accustomed. He is too proud to ask her to accept a lower scale of living just for his sake. Even when the girl comes from a modest home, when she really would be maintaining her standard of living, pride sometimes prevents because the man has a certain idea of the way his friends would expect him to maintain a household and he is too proud to risk their criticism by starting out on a more modest scale. This obstacle is to be overcome in the same manner as any other economic obstacle, by using the "castle-in-the-air" method until he asks you to wait for him.

We now come to one of the most common obstacles of all, fear of the displeasure of his family. It is unfortunately true that, in most families, the marriage of the daughter is expected as a matter of course, but the marriage of the son until a very mature age is bitterly opposed. Even when the family does not oppose marriage in general, it does oppose the man's marriage to the particular girl he desires. Mothers especially are prone to believe that no girl in the world is quite good enough for their sons. They will therefore discover a thousand faults in the poor girl whom the son wishes to marry, and will resist his desire with every resource available. To overcome this obstacle the girl should first endeavor to win the affection and good will of the family. It is only in rare cases that this succeeds, however, and she must win him without this good will. This is not as difficult as first appears, because he usually resents the unfairness of the family's attitude toward the girl, and is indignant at the poor conception it has of the angelic perfection she really is.

HW ASSIGNMENT 16 FOR SINGLES

CHAPTER XVI. Removing the Obstacles to Marriage.

Due Wednesday, October 21, 2009.  

Please email me your answers to 1Femmy@gmail.com. Thank you. 

1.     Fill-in: “In ___________ cases, after the desire is created, you need only set the stage and the desire will be transformed into action.  But in many _________ cases, there is something that stands between the man and his desire.”

2.     What is that something?

3.     What are the 2 classes of objections?

4.     What is the most common objection of the first class of objections?

5.     List the 4 steps to take for this most common objection. Memorize.

6.     List the 5 steps to take when a man has dependents.

7.     What steps should a girl take when she can’t tell what the obstacle is and whether it is insurmountable? Memorize.

8.     Explain the delightful method a girl should use when a man’s objection is distrust of himself.

HW ASSIGNMENT FOR WIVES

CHAPTER XVI. Removing the Obstacles to Marriage

1.     List the 4 steps of the Castle-in-the Air Method. (Q5) Memorize.