“Each happiness of yesterday is a memory for tomorrow."
George W. Douglas, author

 

For all I’ve ever loved. You will forever live in my memory.

 

AGAIN

chapter 1

her

I couldn’t believe it had actually worked!

Dreams were the only place I had seen this image until now. God knows how many times I had asked for just one more vision of her. Through some sort of miracle he had answered the impossible request and we were about to meet again¾ for the first time. My heart pounded wildly in the anticipation of seeing my angel once again.

Downtown Albany remained incredibly bleak and ghostly as I had always imagined it in my mind. The only sense of life rested in the eerie window lighting of the small shops and the small twinkling bulbs on the theatre’s marquee just down the street. Noises were few and far between¾ the most distinct coming from an occasional train blaring it’s intense horn along the rigid tracks. It was a boring site for anyone else, but I knew the extraordinary wonders that awaited me in a few more glorious moments.

The soft green glow of Bacharini’s cafe sign reminded me of the hundreds of times we walked through the sleepy city to find ourselves in the “cozy” corner laughing and making fun of random people. Across the street was Russ’s Jewelry store. The red flavored illumination of the store’s door is what drew me inside to purchase the engagement ring I would later present to her during one of our nightly strolls. I wanted to break down and cry, but the thought of hearing her soft angelic voice in only a few minutes somehow pulled me through. More astounding moments raced inside my head while passing Luigi’s Pizza Palace¾ the scene of our very first date. Even before that very first official date, I knew she would be with me forever.

“God, what a fucking geek!” I thought aloud as my dim reflection bounced off the store window. “You actually talked to me looking like this?” I had no idea why she had even taken the time to talk to a nerd looking like such a dumb ass. My perfectly feathered hair looked reasonably cool, but the tight tough skins and red high tops weren’t that happening¾ even in those times. I knew it couldn’t have been the ridiculous “letterless” letterman jacket my mom had surprised me earlier in the week with. I could only laugh while beginning the walk towards her.

My legs suddenly quickened their pace as the marquee’s barrage of twinkling lights neared. After passing the cinema, there would be turn to the right at Burke’s candy store, then a quick left after a voyage through a dark alley¾ that’s where Dr. Dazzles neon toy store would be. It wasn’t a bizarre inner longing to see all those blinking and revolving toys again¾ it was destiny arriving. This is where we would meet and begin our first of a thousand walks together. I couldn’t wait any longer¾ my legs couldn’t either. A slight rain started to fall as I began the final sprint towards her.

Darting through the creepy alley, a soft shadow of neon reflected on the rain slicked pavement ahead. The soft illumination couldn’t arrive close enough as my arms began to fully swing. In just a few strides she was going to be right in front of me! Out from the alley, I leaped into the green glow like a frog jumping to a comforting lily.

There she was! Excitement surged through my body as my wife and best friend of nearly twenty-five years stood beneath the ledge¾ staring inside the window of Dr. Dazzles. She was wearing her signature bright, pink jogging suit that I made fun of until she got rid of it about ten years too late. Her long blonde hair was drenching wet from the necessary nightly jog and she was now resting a bit before going back to her parent’s house. She absolutely loved to stop and look at the bright whimsical decorations every single time we went out on our walks. Sometimes, I think she took me on those excursions only to get a chance to gaze into Dr. Dazzles neon world. I must say that the store was an exciting site for such a sleepy town up with it’s huge array of neon signs and pulsating gadgets. Rain began to fall a little harder as I nervously began the walk towards her.

In the extreme anticipation of seeing her, the misery of the night nearly slipped my mind. Earlier this night, I had gone to a friends apartment a few blocks away and had drank a little too much. The sickening stretch inside quickly reintroduced itself into memory. I suddenly remembered that in just a few steps, I would lean over and...“Blah!” The deep, nauseating stretch inside erupted it’s acid components like Mt. St Helens. The vomit was even more disgusting than I remember. It was thick and frothy with the distinctive taste of Bailey’s liquor accompanied by a subtle twist of trout. My look was horrendous enough without the added company of horrible smells. It was truly a wonder this girl even talked to me.

“Are you alright?” My angels sweet voice sent shivers throughout my entire body. I felt a grin begin to take hold as the last particles of putrid vomit dripped slowly from my chin. The cascades of “after vomit” sweat on my forehead was soothed by the cool rain as I looked up towards her. Her sweet voice arose once again “Come over here.” With a quick wipe of the mouth on my soggy jacket, I ran towards her.

“Hey,” she said in her melodious tone as her piercing, blue eyes stared into my soul. My heart wanted to thank her for such an incredible love and tell her how lucky I was to have her in my life. Such a wonderful woman should have never suffered through what she did.

“Hello.” This is all I could manage with severe tears on the verge.

“Looks like you had quite the night.” She laughed in her squeaky tune that always cracked me up. “I love this place.”

“I know.”

“What?” she asked in bewilderment.

“This is my favorite place too,” I told her.

“Really?”

“Wanna go for a walk?” I asked knowing she would want to gaze a bit longer into Dr. Dazzles window.

“Alright, but in a just a little bit.” She smiled and resumed her fascination with the cheerful neon toys. “I like that one over there.” She pointed to very recognizable flashing neon clock. It was the same one I presented to my love on her twenty-eighth birthday. That annoying thing must have rested over the television for years until the bulbs finally burned out. Sometimes I think she watched it more than the boob tube.

I couldn’t help but to stare at her in amazement as she gazed into the window. She was so happy and content at this moment. I didn’t understand the reasoning of why God would make her suffer so much at the end. He owed her a wonderful heaven filled to the brim with neon signs and a whole shit load more.

“Ok, let’s go,” she said as her eyes lit up exactly like I remembered.

I could hardly wait to hear about all the things she had to say. I had heard it all before, but to hear it again would be like a dream come true. In the next few blocks, we would talk about seemingly everything. She would soon tell me about the hatred she had for school and how she couldn’t wait to get on with her life as an actress. I would tell her how I was going to be able to go to OHSU if I could only get a good grade in this certain class that I was struggling in. On the porch of her parent’s house, I would give her a big hug, then nervously ask her out on a first date. She wouldn’t answer me, but before going inside her house, she would look back with a bright smile while telling me “of course” in her famous sassy voice.

The weather began to worsen as we tried to stay dry under the short, protective ledge of the storefronts. She held onto the sleeve of my “letterless” jacket with her tiny wrists as the waterfall of rain bombarded the nylon protective ledge. I couldn’t help trying to shelter her by holding her tightly against my body. This was the least I could do.

“Don’t worry, it’ll get better in a sec.”

“How do you know?” She asked.

“Just do.” She tilted her head, looking back at me like I was crazy. The rain suddenly lost some of it’s strength.

“That was really weird.”

“In case you haven’t already figured it out¾ I’m the man,” I told her as we began to laugh. As the laughter stopped, a soft music could be heard above us.

Looking up, we noticed two tiny speakers on the both sides of the store’s door. This was the “creepy radio incident” I had almost forgotten about. Every night after this moment, we would pick up our pace to a scared jog while laughing hysterically.

“Look over there!” There was a brilliant array of lights from radio equipment and equalizers in the corner that I knew she was going to love. Little did she know what was going to happen next.

“That’s so cool,” she said completely mesmerized by the dancing pattern of lights. This might have been another favorite resting ground of hers if the a light over the announcer’s desk hadn’t flickered on.

“Oh my God!” she screamed while jumping back. A hazy, red light revealed a scary looking mannequin equipped with a fancy gold-rimmed cowboy hat and sunglasses. I couldn’t help but to completely crack up. “I hate you!” She screamed while hitting me playfully in the shoulder. Nobody had ever enjoyed being hit so much in their life than me at this very minute. It was pure ecstasy.

“CRASH!” A thunderous crackle filled the night sky¾ sending me flying to the wet pavement. Skidding to an abrupt stop, my head collided against a metallic pole¾ nearly knocking me unconscious. On a normal day, I might have sat quietly until the gargantuan agony stopped it’s throbbing, but this night was everything except a run-of-the-mill night. I had to get up, walk Rene to her house, and give her that hug I had been dreaming of for so long.

“Rene?” I called into the darkness, but her perfect face and piercing eyes were no where to be seen. My brain wasn’t functioning that well after the accident, but I didn’t remember anything like this happening before. The whole night was exactly the way it had been played out until the strange explosion, or whatever it was, sent me flying like a rocket. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

“Rene, where are you!” Only an echo replied. “Rene!” Still, there was no sign of her. The incredible fantasy had abruptly ended and something horrible had now taken it’s place. I wouldn’t leave until there was an answer.