It was Christmas afternoon. The familiar aromas of ham, sweet potatoes, pies and cookies permeated the air.I felt excitement all around me.Soon cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents would arrive as we hosted another family gathering.
My joy as a child was to help my mom by setting up the kiddie table in the kitchen.I drew great delight in all the things she had purchased to make it so festive. Santa cups, plates, and napkins on a festive tablecloth graced the table. Bright red forks, spoons and knives were placed beside them.
Family celebrations were always like this. At Easter, there would be purple and pink decorations with bunnies on them.At Thanksgiving we would have a tablecloth with turkeys.Then my mom would set up a cornucopia filled with fruit.
Birthdays were the best!Balloons and streamers in rainbow colors hung from above.There were party favors, noisemakers and hats as well.
The fun we had at that table was immeasurable.We played jokes on each other.We told stories of past holidays and laughed until our stomachs were sure to burst between so much food and fun.Oh sure there were always spilled drinks and messes.Sometimes there were fights and tears as well as food we just did not like.But we always had a great time and always looked forward to the next occasion at the kiddie table.
Now as I was setting up the kiddie table my mom would set up the “big table’.The dining room itself was beautifully decorated.The walls were a Victorian pink like the houses in Cape May.The furniture was a deep cherry and the chandelier that hung over the table was a stained glass blue.The buffet was where my mom would display her Santa collection.They were mostly pieces given to her by her children.She loved the collection because each one given to her was given with such love.
The table was set with a beautiful angel laced tablecloth.The cream colored china was painted with beautiful bouquets of flowers.Crystal goblets were set for water and wine.The silverware sparkled under all the candles my mom would have lit in the room.So much candlelight filled the room with such warmth and love that we almost understood why some one would like to eat in there.But it could not be as much fun as the kiddie table!
Now our family and friends did seem to enjoy themselves at the big table. Sometimes we would peer around the corner to get a glimpse of this special table.We found family and friends having wonderful conversations, entertaining stories, lots of jokes, laughter and smiles.The warmth and love that floated out of this room was felt clear into the kitchen. There never seemed to be any tears and no one ever spilled anything. What joy came from this table!Everyone truly enjoyed sitting there.
Although they were having such a wonderful time they were never too busy to get up and come in and check on us.Sometimes they hung out with us for a while.If there were tears you can bet two or three were up in a minute to comfort us.If there was an argument they helped us find a way to settle it.Even though they sat a room away they always came when we needed them.
Inevitably and much to the dismay of the ones left behind one of us would be invited up to the big table.They were apprehensive at first but the family at the big table greeted them and assured them that it was time for them to come.They welcomed the new guest with love and encouragement.
One year my sister Suzy was invited to go to the big table.Now she was reluctant to go because she was having so much fun.But once she got there as we peered around the corner we could not believe it!She was having the best time!She was smiling and laughing.
At first it seemed like she did not miss us at all.We were so sad because my sister was such a kick at the kid table.She made us laugh and she told great stories.She always helped those that needed help and she was so content.We really missed her and it was not the same after she left.
We knew it was a special thing to be at the big table but we could not understand how she could be so happy.We asked Our Father how this could be so.He lovingly told us we were too young to understand but someday we would.
We did come to realize that she did miss our company.That’s why she would come and help us when we called.Sometimes she came just to hang out with us and we knew she was there.Other times we were so caught up in our own conversations that we did not even see her but she was right there with us.As she sat at the big table she always kept one ear to the kitchen in case we needed her. If there was something she could not do for us she asked Our Father to help us.
It seemed she did miss us after all.But she knew eventually we would all be at the big table with her.She was surrounded with so much love and light from the room that she felt at peace in waiting with Our Loving Father until it was our turn to leave the kiddie table and sit with her.
Eventually we all made it to the big table.We now sit, all of us together, enjoying all the laughter, peace, warmth, love and light that surrounds us. We now understand how our loved ones and friends could be so happy here.
Our loving Father was right. We could not possibly understand anything being better than the kiddie table.But here we are and the Big Table is by far so much better.It’s Heaven.
When a young person dies suddenly there is no blessing.Try as you might to justify and explain God’s mystery you can not.Anyone who has been through this knows what I mean. But in God’s compassion, slowly, other blessings begin to unfold.These blessings carry you lovingly and carefully as you walk through your grief.If you embrace these blessings they will lead you out of the dead of winter into the eternal hope of spring.
My twin sister Sue and I always loved the first day of spring.As children we looked forward to those warm afternoons when we would shed our coats at recess and long for the school day to be over. We could not wait to leap off the school bus, grab a basketball, bike or tennis racket and head outside to play. Sometimes we would go to the park or walk up to store to buy a soda.Within days, spring clothes replaced heavier ones as we peeled off the layers of winter and soaked in the sun and fresh air.For Sue and I spring was even more special since we celebrated our twin birthday just a week into the season.
Early in the evening, we finished dinner and homework as quickly as possible then ran outside to find our friends. We played kickball or tag, squeezing in as much playtime as possible before dark.
Years later, as parents we continued to love the beginning of spring.We would call each other on the phone and say “Did you know it’s going up to 60 degrees today?”When the kids were little we trailed behind them outside as they rode their big wheels and tricycles or did chalk drawings in the driveway.As they got older we watched, somewhat with envy, as they took off down the street on their big bikes or went off with friends to shoot some hoops.Wistfully we remembered our own childhood and the fun we had.
While the kids were in school, we would go through the house and open up all windows to let in the fresh air.Just washed comforters and sheets were hung on the clothesline to dry. We shopped for seeds and flowers as we began to plan our gardens. We truly felt rejuvenated. There was an excitement and anticipation in the air for days to come. Quite often we picked up coffees and met at our local park just to sit on a bench, chat for a while and enjoy the beautiful weather.
But this ritual would change all too soon.Four years ago, on the last day of winter, my sister Sue died suddenly at the age of 41.Our spring would never be the same.On the first day of spring her husband, three young children, myself and others who loved her would not be renewed, rejuvenated or energized….winter remained in our hearts for a very long time. There was no spring for us that year.
However, Sue did not miss spring that year.In 2003, on her first day of spring Sue was in Heaven.So she opened up her windows and renewed the lives of many strangers. In time we would come to realize her gift to strangers would renew us as well. Sue had been an organ donor and on the first days of spring 2003, two very sick children received her liver, two adults her lungs, two others her kidneys and one man her heart.
Over the next year, our little blessings trickled in gently like a soft rain.Letters of gratitude from all the recipients came to my brother- in- law and his children. Thanks to the generosity of my sister, the two children, who were so sick, would someday soon be able to go to the park, shoot basketballs and ride their bikes.The adults who received organ transplants in time would be able to plan their own gardens, meet friends for coffee and take an evening walk with their families.All the simple things in life could now bring them joy….the joys of spring.
One recipient, Stu, became more than a blessing.He was a gift to us.This kind soul requested to meet Sue’s husband, her three children and myself so he could learn more about the woman whose heart he now carried and cherished.We could not miss the irony that it was Sue’s heart calling out to us.So a year later in the beauty and warmth of an autumn day we met Stu, his wife, his pastor and a few friends.
As we walked into their home we felt their love, Sue’s love and God’s love.We shared tears, smiles, photos, stories and compassion for what both families had been through.When Stu gave me a bear hug goodbye, I felt my sister’s heart beating. This was God’s gift of renewal to us. I knew then He was reminding us that love does not die and that our loved one, Sue would always be with us throughout all the seasons of life.
Sue’s last words to me were “See ya later” and though we can not begin to explain the mysteries of God, if we look for Him in our grief not only will we find His comfort and blessings but His promise of eternal life as well.
We had planned our summer vacation for months. This was the summer my twin sister Sue and I would finally rent a shore house big enough for our two families to vacation together.We often spoke about how much fun this would be.We were however always a bit apprehensive about putting six kids ages 8-17 together in one shore house for an entire week.Would it be chaotic or a time for family bonding?
Sue and I treasured the shore.We referred to it as “Heaven on earth.”In fact, Sue and her family even had a song they would sing as they traveled over the final bridge into Sea Isle City, NJ called “Waiting for Heaven.”
This passion for the shore was deeply rooted in us since we were young children.Each summer our family spent two weeks at the Jersey Shore.Sue and I lived for this vacation. We could not imagine anything better than spending two weeks playing in the sun, swimming in the ocean and going to the boardwalk every night.
Naturally, being twins made it extra special. Since we were the same age we usually enjoyed the same activities. Having a twin was truly having a best friend with you all the time.
Every morning we got up early to bicycle or to shop on the boardwalk.It was great fun until the heat from the late morning sun and just one glance at the enticing cool blue ocean lured us off the boardwalk and back to the house. Quickly we changed into our bathing suits, grabbed towels and headed for the beach.
The beach was hands down the best part of our vacation.As little girls we spent hours building sandcastles, jumping the waves and being towed in a big plastic blue boat by our dad. When we were older we stayed in the ocean all afternoon riding the waves.We came out only to gobble up lunch and then we were back into the water again until 6:00 PM when the lifeguards would go home for the day.
As we got older we were more interested in watching the lifeguards than swimming.We loved to take long walks along the water’s edge or lounge in our beach chairs with a good book as we soaked up the summer sun.No matter the age or the interest, the shore always held a special place in our hearts.
So I was only half surprised when on a beautiful September afternoon in 2002 Sue called me on the phone filled with enthusiasm and said, “Let’s do it!Come down the shore with us next year for vacation.It will be fun!”We agreed to go in July knowing we had 10 months to work out all the details of accommodating two families under one roof.We looked forward
to watching our children relive the childhood we once knew, making their own shore memories.
Sue and I also looked forward to making new memories together. We planned late night talks, early morning coffees on the front porch, and lazy strolls along beach as we did when we were children.
But the March before our big planned vacation at the Jersey Shore my twin sister Sue died suddenly of a stroke.I remember thinking, “How can we go to the shore now?”But an inner voice deep inside encouraged me to stick with this plan.
Looking back to Sue’s phone call on that September afternoon, I now believe God had whispered in her ear.He knew our two families would need this vacation together come next summer to help us through a very difficult time.
It would be one of His many steps of healing.That summer our two families became closer than we had ever been.That summer we became one family.
In July, as planned we headed for the shore. Going over the bridge into Sea Isle City Sue’s family her husband Bill and three children Stephanie 15, Kristen 12 and Billy 9 did not shout and sing their playful chant, “Waiting for Heaven” as they had done on previous vacations.Lost in their own thoughts remembering happier times they filled the car instead with an even louder silence.
Early Saturday afternoon both our families arrived at the beautiful beach house which overlooked the vast sparkling blue ocean. Along with Bill and his three children was my family of five my husband Marc, our three children Lauren 17, Daniel 11 and Caroline 8 and myself.
It was awful walking into the beach house that Sue and Bill had rented year after year. So manymemories. Instead of being filled with excitement and looking forward to our week together we were filled with dread.Where would we find the energy to lift the hearts of these kids when we couldn’t even lift our own? We traveled up and down two flights of stairs as we unloaded the cars.We carried over-packed suitcases, piles of linens, bags of groceries, coolers filled with frozen foods and very heavy hearts.
From where we were standing suitcases still in our hands we could see the sand and the deep blue oceanthrough the sliding glass door. It was the perfect beach day. Our hearts fluttered a little and we let out a collective sigh…maybe we would be OK.
There is something spiritual about the shore.It is impossible to be this close to the beach and ocean and not be lifted and healed…at least a little bit.Way down deep my brother-in-law Bill, my husband Marc and I knew that.We were asking a lot from the shore that summer.We hoped that with each passing day the warm summer sun, the cool ocean breezes and refreshing salt air would do their best to revive us.
While the guys continued to unload the cars I made my way to the kitchen. I began unpack a weeks’ worth of groceries to feed nine people.I was filled with sadness.I really missed Sue. This moment should have been two moms in the kitchen gabbing enthusiastically as we put things away.Children should have been continuously interrupting us with a million questions like, where should I put my suit case?Which room am I in?Can we go to the beach yet? Where is the sunscreen? Instead I was able to answer each question without having to stop talking to my sister.I never thought I would miss those interruptions but the fact was there was no one to interrupt. Sue and I would never gab again.
Placing cold items in the fridge, food in the pantry, paper products on the countertops and frozen lasagna in the freezer felt like a chore. I missed Sue’s positive personality that could make even the most boring task fun. Sue knew how to enjoy life.Sue had blonde hair and big blue eyes but it was her contagious smile and spirited energy that could turn any negative into a positive.Sue was one of those people who made lemonade out of the lemons in life.Sue’s father- in- law Bob would often call her “Suzy Sunshine.”
I remember just the summer before when my family was staying in Ocean city a few towns away.Sue and her family were in this very house in Sea Isle City. It was 4th of July and we came over after dinner to join Sue’s family and her in-laws for fireworks on the beach.Half way through the display I heard rumbling in distance and started to get itchy about the approaching storm.I glanced over at Sue to see if she was thinking the same thing but she was not.Instead she was sitting on a beach blanket each of her three children draped across her while she cuddled with her husband Bill. I will never forget the look of contentment on her face.
After the fireworks exploded in a grand finale we headed back to their house on the beach. Just as we got there the storm hit. Safely inside rain poured down all around the house and we heard the claps of thunder.That’s when Sue said, “‘Lets go out onto the porch and watch the storm.” With great enthusiasm she dragged us all out onto the porch. While the rest of us were thinking, “It’s raining and thundering out here” Sue said, “Don’t you just love this porch!Look how big the waves are.You can see them from here!” That was Sue.She made the best of every moment. Not because she was a trooper it was just her personality.To Sue the glass in life was always half full.
But she was no longer able to bring joy to our daily tasks.Eventually, the groceries were put away, suitcases unpacked and beds made. All nine of us headed down to the beach for the afternoon.Bill, Marc and I sat by the water in our beach chairs and watched the kids play in the ocean.After sitting for a short time both dads were summons into the water by Billy and Dan to have a catch with the football.I decide that if Sue were here we would be taking pictures of the kids so I mustered up the energy and walked back to the beach blanket and retrieve my camera.It is always the little things that blindside you with grief and so it was with me at that moment.Camera in hand I turned to walk back towards the water and started to look for the four beach chairs.In seconds, I realized there would be only three beach chairs on the beach not four.There were only three of us. Without the use of a camera that picture of the three beach chairs sitting down by the water would forever be embedded in my memory.
At times the kids unknowingly would pull us out of this dark hole.Just when we were ready to call it a day they would remind us we still had to go to Scoop Daddy’s for ice cream and play charades.Two activities Sue had started summers before with her kids.We came to realize as painful as it was to do these things without Sue, tradition was important to her kids.I t is how they connected with their mom.It is where they found her. These kids were wise too.Through charades and dripping ice cream we captured a few moments of joy and laughter.
It was late on Saturday night when Billy, Kristen, Daniel and Caroline finally went to bed. The rest of us had settled in on the sofas in the living room and decide to watch Saturday Night Live for some well deserved comic relief.
Stephanie cuddled with her Dad on one sofa, while Lauren, Marc and I relaxed on the other.Bill’s brother Tom and sister- in- law Mary who were staying for the night stretched out on the floor.When SNL returned after a commercial there was Bruce Springsteen sitting by the piano beginning to play “You’re Missing” a song from The Rising CD.Many of the songs on this CD were dedicated to the victims and survivors of Sept 11, 2001. This particular song was a heartbreaker because the lyrics
Coffee cups on the counter, jackets on the chair Papers on the doorstep, you're not there Everything is everything Everything is everything
Pictures on the nightstand, TV's on in the den Your house is waiting, your house is waiting For you to walk in, for you to walk in But you're missing, you're missing
demonstrates the absurdity of how life simply goes on and all the things a loved one owns are just sitting there waiting for the loved one to walk through the door …but he never does.
The irony of this song being performed on our first night down the shore without Sue did not go unnoticed. We were all huge Springsteen fans especially Sue and Bill.In fact “Your Missing” was the final song played at Sue’s funeral Mass.
We were stunned!Where was the comic relief? As tears streamed down my face I kept thinking we should turn this off.But we could not. Instead we chose to listen to Springsteen sing this song.It was not comic relief but a relief just the same. After a day filled with sadness it felt good to have someone put our grief into words… Sue was missing from our vacation…from our lives.Her beach house was waiting for her to walk in. But she would not.
When Bruce was finished the song I turned to no one in particular and asked half jokingly “who wants my ticket?” Certain I could never make it through the concert we had all planned to go to next month.I had no takers and in slow motion each of us got up, left the room and went to bed.
On the second night of vacation, long after both dads and all the kids had gone to bed, I sat up in the living room still in disbelief at what had happened to my twin sister; to our plans for the perfect vacation this year.I started to imagine what it would have been like for Sue to be sitting across from me, the two of us chatting away until the wee hours of the morning. And so I started chatting. Yes I did! I sat there in the living room and talked to my sister and God about the past 5 months. I talked and talked until I could say no more.
Tears filled my eyes as I asked Sue if she was listening. I knew God promised us everlasting life but my normally strong faith now tossed and turned like the waves in the ocean. “God can you hear me? Please, I need a sign that Sue is with us, that You are with us.”
The next morning I arose early and took a long walk on the beach.Again I wondered if my sister was here with us. I begged God once again for a sign, a spiritual hug from my sister. I needed a little affirmation. I needed to feel their presence.
I came back to the house and found Bill sitting alone on the front porch.He had just been for a run. Something he and Sue used to do together down the shore and at home.He told me he had just come back from the 33rd street jetty. It had been a special place for them when they were 19 and 20.Bill said they would sit out there on the jetty till the early morning hours. Then he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “I will think of Sue every time I run pass that jetty.”
Bill was in constant motion trying to spend time with each of his kids.He tried to do the job of two parents to make this vacation as much fun as possible in spite of their loss. Like Sue he was a positive person by nature. But when he would pull out his guitar at night and sang songs from the Rising CD you could hear the pain in his voice.Along with Springsteen
He would especially like to sing and play a song called the ‘Anniversary Song.”He wrote this song for Sue after their first year of marriage 17 years ago.
At night he would take walks with each of his daughters on the beach.When I commented to him how proud Sue would be he said something he would repeat many times in the next few years, “ Sue would never want us to forget her and she would want us to continue her work.”
The kids all handled their grief differently Dan and Billy filled the entire day on boogie boards in the ocean, having a catch on the beach, skin boarding or skateboarding.Their goal I believe was to keep as busy as possible, less time to think.
The girls were different obviously thinking a lot.One morning my oldest Lauren started calling me “Donna man” a silly nickname from my youth. Soon all the kids were calling me “Donna man” instead of Aunt Donna or Mom.When I finally got Lauren alone I said, “Lauren why on earth did you start calling me that silly nick name?” She answered, “Mom I couldn’t bear to call you mom all week down the shore. It would be so unfair to my cousins.”
My nieces Stephanie and Kristen who were carbon copies of their mom with summer tans, blonde hair, blue eyes and courageous dispositions switched roles on me often. One moment I was comforting them the children and the next moment they became the consoler.Many times I would ask them, “How are you doing?” and they would answer, “Fine and how are you Donna man?”We would laugh and they would give me a big hug”. They were survivors.Like their mom they made lemonade out of life’s lemons.
On Monday morning again I went for an early walk on the beach and in exasperation asked God to please please send us a sign that Sue was with us.
Late Monday afternoon a big storm blew in just before dinner.The lightning zigzagged across the ocean.Loud claps of thunder rocked the foundation of the house. The waves became angry, churning up sand, seaweed, shells, and
driftwood.From the safety of our beach house we watched the storm unfold.
I believe it was symbolic for us to witness this storm. The storm reflected how we felt these past five months. Just a few hours before, the sun had shone brightly through the windows. But suddenly the house was filled with darkness.Our lives had experienced the same. Just five months ago we were happy and content.When our storm hit suddenly, like the waves, we became angry, all kinds of feelings churned up inside of us, and like this old shore house, our storm had rocked the foundation of our Faith.
I remember all of us sitting down to dinner as the storm began to subside. We were talking about this and that when an inner voice interrupted my thoughts and said, “Go tell Billy to look for the rainbow.”I remember how gentle the voice was. It came with a feeling of calmness and peace.
I did what I was told and half heartily told Sue’s youngest, Billy to go look for a rainbow.Billy being a nine year old boy and taking any excuse to get up from the table went to the bay side and looked, “No rainbow,” he exclaimed. Billy then went to the ocean side of the house and looked outside. I was only half listening when he shouted, “Cool!There is a huge rainbow out over the ocean!”
Huge it was!When all nine of us rushed out onto the porch our eyes fell upon an enormous rainbow that arced majestically across the horizon.
And then it happened.As we stood there in amazement at how vast this rainbow was, a second rainbow, identical to the first, emerged in all its’ glory to present to us twin rainbows.We stood there spellbound. One was as perfect and beautiful as the other.
This was my sign from God. God had answered my prayer. Sue could hear us! God could hear us! We were not alone in our grief. A rainbow had been God’s sign as a covenant to His people.What better sign could God have given to us than to send us a rainbow?Unless of course…. He sent us twin rainbows.
The rest of the week we remembered Sue and continued her work. We went shopping, took the kids for rides on the boardwalk and went to the water park.We did all the things Sue would have wanted us to do.There were moments of laughter and moments of tears but we never forgot the twin rainbows and the answer from God that we were not alone.He and Sue would always be close by.
A misty rain fell on a cold March afternoon as we stood in Sue’s driveway to mark the 2nd anniversary of her passing. Sue had died suddenly at the age of 41, leaving family, friends a husband, three children and me, her twin sister.The dismal weather reflected how I felt in my heart, but I mustered up a smile for the children’s sake. “Ok 1 2 3 let them go!” I shouted.Sue’s three young children, Stephanie, Kristen and Billy released three purple balloons covered with messages of love.
The day before, while chatting with my friend Mary, I mentioned Sue’s upcoming anniversary. “We’re getting together at Sue’s house tomorrow.” I said.Mary, who knew first hand the heartache of loss after the passing of her 10 year old son John, offered me an idea. “For John’s birthday we write messages to him on balloons.We then release the balloons.”
That’s a beautiful idea.” I responded.I headed for the store and bought three purple balloons, Sue loved purple!
Now here I was watching the balloons leave the little hands that held them so tightly. Privately, just before lift-off, I had read many of the messages.They tugged at my heart. I miss you mommy. To my loving wife all my love. We love you Aunt Suzy. Keep watching over us mommy. And the one I added, I miss you Twinpop! A special nickname Sue and I called each other.
Filled with excitement, we watched as the balloons were released, but immediately they drifted down onto the driveway.“It's too cold!” Sue’s young neighbor, Dan informed us. “They will never lift!” Realizing my mistake, I thought I should have waited for a nicer day. I prayed, Please God let this be successful.
Suddenly, the wind kicked up.I held my breath as the balloons gradually lifted.Two floated up past the trees but the third wedged itself between two branches.“Uh oh,” Sue’s youngest, Billy, exclaimed, “It’s going to pop!”Sue’s husband, Bill, and I looked at each other.
“Oh boy.” he whispered.Again I prayed, Please God don’t let them pop!Take these messages to Heaven, to Sue.
The kids began to cheer for the one lone purple balloon.Slowly it began to creep out of its trap, bobbing along the thorny branches until it made its way to freedom. “Go! Go! Go!” the kids shouted. We all let out a collective sigh as we watched the balloon finally edge its way around the trees, miraculously not popping. It then took off to catch up with the other two. Thank you God, I offered silently.I looked around at all the smiles and I knew somewhere in Heaven, Sue was smiling too.
Two weeks later, on April fool’s day, my youngest, Caroline, was upstairs. She looked out her bedroom window, then called to me, “Mom, there is a purple balloon out back. Is it the one we sent Aunt Suzy?”
I glanced out the kitchen window and spotted a purple balloon bouncing on the grass. Humoring Caroline, I walked out the backdoor to take a closer look.As I approached, the balloon took off through my neighbor’s yard, with me in my PJs chasing after it.Finally, I grabbed the purple balloon.It was exactly like the ones we sent, minus the messages. Very funny Sue, I thought. Nice April’s fool Joke. She knew I would fall for this.I brought the balloon into our house.Caroline asked, “Mom, did Aunt Suzy send you that balloon?”
“I wouldn’t doubt it Caroline” I smiled.
While at bowling the next day, I shared the April fool’s story with my friends Qui and Nancy.“Listen to this coincidence,” I started.“Yesterday morning Caroline and I found a purple balloon in our backyard exactly like the ones we used on Sue’s anniversary, just two weeks ago.”
My friend Nancy began, “Wow! That is weird maybe…” Our conversation was interrupted by the loud sound of something being inflated.The three of us looked up to see an employee of the bowling alley inflating a purple balloon for a party. Pop!Right before our eyes the purple balloon burst.
“Donna, Suzy is trying to tell you something.” my friend, Qui teased.
“I have heard of connecting with loved ones in Heaven through rainbows and butterflies but never purple balloons.But I wonder. I have a feeling this is a sign from Suzy.”I said thoughtfully to my friends.
That same spring my mom was very sick.Between losing my sister Suzy and her recent mini strokes, my mom was in bad shape. Weak and confused, she could no longer live alone. I prayed daily for a safe haven and placed her name on waiting lists at several nursing homes.I knew they could care for her in a way I could not physically do.
As of November, Mom was still on waiting lists.It had been a frustrating afternoon of phone calls trying to move forward with finding a place for her care. After one particular phone call ended with an emphatic no, tears of frustration filled my eyes.I was exhausted. Between dealing with the loss of my twin sister and now the concern I felt for my mom, I felt overwhelmed emotionally, physically and spiritually.Hiding my tears, I grabbed my coat and called to my kids “I am going for a walk.”
It started to snow.As I walked, the snowflakes mingled with my tears. I talked to my sister and prayed to God. Please Father help me!Sue, what am I going to do? I thought about the past two years and wondered how much more I could handle.Where will I get the strength to continue?I prayed.
As I turned the corner, I noticed the snow and wind beginning to pick up.But it was not all I noticed.On my neighbor’s front lawn very close to where I passed, one purple balloon gently bobbed up and down in the snow.I could not believe it. My heart lifted. The purple balloon again.I was sure Suzy was reminding me she was with me.Thank you God! Thanks Suzy! I knew the days ahead would be tough but I was encouraged knowing I was not handling this alone.
On Christmas morning, my mom had a seizure and was admitted to the hospital. Ten days later, she was stabilized and scheduled for discharge. This was not good.My mom was still on waiting lists; she was now blind in one eye and could no longer feed herself or walk.In addition, she was confused most of the time.Mom needed round the clock care.The hospital found a temporary placement for her fifteen miles away.After she was admitted, I soon learned it was a terrible place.
I never knew what I would find each time I went to see her.Once I found her asleep with her face lying in a full plate of food.She was always disheveled and unclean and isolated.I beggedGod, Please find her another place.Suzy keep her safe!
One morning, on my birthday, I drove over to see my mom.I tried to think back to happier days when my mom was healthy and my twin sister, Suzy was here.I thought of all the celebrations we shared on this special day. But my thoughts were clouded with constant worry for mom.I also felt tremendous guilt for not being able to care for her myself.
Saddened by my thoughts, I entered her room. There underneath her bed, was a purple balloon. I was stunned!“Mom, where did you get that balloon?” I asked in astonishment.
“I don’t know” she said, “Someone gave it to me this morning.”I smiled. Thank you Father for reminding me You are here.Happy birthday Suzy!Thanks for the gift!
A few weeks later when I arrived for work, my boss asked, “How are things with your mom?”
“Not good, I responded.I called every nursing home yesterday and my mom is still on waiting lists.”
Meg a new co worker commented, “My grandmother lived at Pembrooke Nursing home for years.It was great!”
“Where is Pembrooke? I asked.
“It’s just on the other side of town.” Meg replied.
I made a call to Pembrooke, and miraculously a room was available. Within days my mom was transferred to Pembrooke, just 10 minutes from my home.
Planning to meet my mom when she arrived, I was still nervous, Is this where you want her to be Lord? I drove up the pike looking for the nursing home.But it was easy to spot.Tied to the post just across from the Pembrooke sign was a purple balloon.
Relief filled me for the first time in months.This was Mom’s safe haven!Thank you Father.Thanks Twinpop! In the few years Mom has been at Pembrooke, they have taken such good care of her.The people who work there are loving, caring and respectful to all of the residents.It is truly a blessed place.
The purple balloon still shows up occasionally.Sometimes it is a trail marker, guiding me.Other times it is a warm hello from Heaven, like the birthday wishes for my husband.On the evening of his birthday, Marc joked, “Maybe Suzy will send me a happy birthday wish this year.”The next morning in his prized garden we found a deflated purple balloon with happy birthday printed on it.
Another time I asked out loud, “Suzy I haven’t seen a purple balloon in a while.Will you send me one?I miss you.”Two days later, while walking back to my car from lunch, bouncing in place on the sidewalk was a purple balloon. Unaffected by the flow of traffic that raced past it, the purple balloon remained in place, as if waiting for me.
At Christmastime, Suzy’s girls, my daughter Caroline and two friends went to New York City for the day.Sue loved taking her girls to New York City. Although enjoying the day together, I knew the girls were missing their mom.After a long day of shopping and tired feet, we collapsed in our chairs at a restaurant and waited for our food to arrive.
Suddenly, my daughter Caroline looked up at the ceiling and said “Mom look a purple balloon!” While bunches of colorful balloons gathered at one end of the ceiling, one purple balloon stood alone on the opposite side. Often the girls and I discuss God’s gift of eternal life and how their mom is always with them.The purple balloon was a reminder to us that she was indeed with us today when we missed her so much.
Finally, a few weeks ago, three years after we sent up the first purple balloons, I shared these stories with my pastor Msgr. Foley.“Donna, these stories are unbelievable!I will never look at a purple balloon the same way again,” he said in amazement.He encouraged me to write the story and share it.
Walking back to my car after our visit, I received even more encouragement. I stepped off the curb and there on the ground in the church parking lot was a tiny deflated purple balloon.
Through rainbows, butterflies and purple balloons I have come to appreciate how creative God is in how He speaks to us.In many different ways, He continuously reminds us that He loves us. And by connecting us with loved ones in Heaven, He shares with us, once again, His promise of eternal life.
