Across the Piazza San Marco in Venice, just opposite the discount Chanel dealers lies the Basilica di San Marco, the corner-stone of the Christian faith in Venice. Big and old, people from all over the world line up in the summer heat to have a peek inside. All around are pigeon birds, seeds and poop, as well as rich Americans, audibly crackling Frenchmen and many Italians with more than one newly acquired wallet. It's a nice place, you know. One lines up, slowly passes through the iron fences and enters into the Basilica. 

Perhaps my having repeatedly hit my head on the bathroom doorway in a Florence hotel has skewed my perspective, but I've had enough of religious hypocrisy. Upon entering the Basilica, we were fronted by a very gay-looking man with a stack of brown paper sheets, designed to cover up any inappropriate clothing (singlets, miniskirts, Converses). Taking two sheets, we moved forward to the cries of 'Hey! That 2 euro!'. I'll admit that I was silently giggling at this genius; oblige people to pay to cover up hot-weather clothing in mid-Summer. Classic! Meanwhile, Jesus is hanging half-naked from the cross up on the wall. You've gotta hand it to them - very clever business prostrating itself as the protection of religious sensitivity. I mean, come on - Is God really ashamed of somebody's naked shoulders? Or that guy's thighs? But hey, anything in the name of Catholic squeemishness and profit.

I have respect for this system in the same way I respect the phone companies for making 100% profit off of almost all phone deals. It's genius, it really is. But that doesn't stop me and everybody else from hating all those pewny companies with every last breath of monthly credit. Yet the same isn't so forthcoming with the church. Why not?  The church, with all it's commandments, prophesies and collection plates has a history of not reacting kindly to criticism. That much is fact. Today, I don't think I'd be wrong in suggesting that people are still somewhat wary of it. Not in the ''if I don't praise Jesus I'm gonna be burnt alive'' sense, but in a more vague, ambiguous sense. No young people really read the bible anymore. The average congregation has only one biological heart between two gomers. And at a guess, the number of 18 year olds breaking the 'no naughty before marriage' ruling would, Bible upheld, mean that well, we're all going to Hell.

But I don't think it works like that. Why would God really be concerned if little Jimmy got down and dirty with Susan down the road without surrendering his 4th finger beforehand? Is that offense really severe enough to merit eternal damnation? Sounds a bit iffy to me...

Catholic hypocrisy continues; to see the famous Pala d'Oro, an enormous, pure gold old-style comic book, one has to forfeit 3 euros to the little man with the turnstyles. Yes, turnstyles in a church! I don't know if anybody heard or understood me, but as I left I muttered, audibly, "... and when Jesus banished the tax-collectors from the Temple there was much rejoicing...". Next stop, England, where the tale arguably turns a somewhat darker colour. Price of entry to Westminster Abbey? 12 pounds. 12 Pounds Stirling. About $25 Australia. About $20US. Oh. My. God. Sure, they say that this money goes towards the upkeep of the building and that if you're really desperate to worship, you might be able to get around. But since when has just walking around a church, soaking up the atmosphere carried a pricetag six times that of my afternoon Chai Latté? 

I'm a little confused. Please God, forgive me for this one. At my church, we were always told that God's mercies were boundless - that God will always come to seek out the lost sheep / sinners / shirt lifters and forgive them of all their sins. Everybody likes hearing this. But there's one thing implied that nobody ever questions out loud - does that not mean that I can do whatever the buggery I want, cheat, screw and kill anybody I wish, and no matter what, God will forgive me? Now, don't take this the wrong way - I'm a very moral person, no cheating, screwing or murdering until I'm married, me. But it still has me confused.

That must be the main difference between Catholics and Anglicans then. Anglicans preach that God is full of grace and forgiveness, whereas Catholics would rather say that God is Great and will enjoy punishing you for the rest of eternity if you slip. Then slip again. With someone underneath you.

So, the Bible is a good read, huh? I started reading it, but skipped to the end and it kinda ruined it for me. Who wrote the Bible anyway? It'd have to be some guys who knew Christ, right? Who were there with Him, who saw Him walk on water, feed the masses and felt they needed to write it down. No! Heck, the first Gospel was written more than 50 years after the crucifixion. By someone who wasn't even pals with Jesus. This can't be annoying just me? None of Jesus' 12 pals knew how to write? Didn't think it appropriate to jot down a few observations, feelings, picnic stories? Oh, one of them did. You know his name? I bet you do.

Judas wrote a Gospel. He knew Jesus. Very well, it would appear. But we don't hear much about /his/ Gospel. The Church decided to not include it. What now? Yes, the Christian church, back in the Conference of whatnot, decided what would be included in the Bible. Wow. And the people just swallowed all this tripe without question? Nobody thought, 'hey, perhaps all these old crusty guys don't have MY best interests at heart?'. I would have thought that. And probably said it. Then I'd have been tied to a stake and gently simmered to death.

I'm a practicing Anglican. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus and His Holy buddies. Most of the Saints too, even if I don't really know them. I recognise the need for the Church in modern society. I enjoy sitting in a church, singing for services, taking communion, eating Mothering Sunday cake. But I don't know why I believe in Him. And that annoys me. How can two millennia worth of people believe all this stuff without any real proof? If we applied the same level of scrutiny to the Bible as we do to other ancient texts, I doubt it'd hold much water. We are absolutely scrupulous of old historians. We give them and lives' work absolute hell. Yet someone says Christ walked on water, and we lap it up. No questions! He walked on water. Done. And you know what? Christians know this. So, low and behold, they came up with ways to get around one of their biggest flaws - ever heard, "Yeh, but the Bible isn't meant to be taken literally"? This is a Christian's way of saying, "uhhh... pass!".

Humour me. What if it's wrong? What if Christ didn't ever exist? What if God doesn't exist? What use would the Church serve? One thing comes to mind: population control - keeping generations in line through fear of eternal damnation. Another? Big-ass building programs. Or decent music? Or inspired paintings. I guess it's not such a bad thing.

There's something I've always wondered about, in the back of my mind. What is more plausible: that technically-advanced green aliens flew to Earth from another galaxy in space ships, installed a religion on earth and planted the seeds of a couple others and now spend the rest of their time watching us from their now invisible space ships, laughing occasionally; or that the Son of God was born to the Virgin Mary, walked on earth, turned a couple of loaves of bread into a feast, got a whole lot of people drunk on water, walked on a sea of red wine and despite being renounced and despised by everyone in the western world, was somehow believed decades after his death and now has a religion based around him? I'm going for the first one. Go the green space bugs! It just seems more plausible, doesn't it?

I don't know why I believe in God when I'm so ready to rubbish every text supporting His existence. I think in general people like having explanations. The idea that there is someone up there looking out for all of us is important. Without that, I can imagine some people would feel somewhat abandoned. "The meaning of life" would be different too - why be a good person if there's nothing afterwards? No punishment, no reward. Why live? 

Perhaps then religion is simply the biggest placebo ever conceived, packaged and ingested. Not a means of control or power, but a way of giving hope. Of giving life meaning. Of getting people to get along. Sure, religion will always be used as an excuse to kill, to destroy and to cause pain. But what is the alternative? Without hope, meaning, purpose and all that, what is there? I mean, apart from antidepressants and viagra. 

Damn, now I don't know what to choose.