When I get up in the night, to go to the toilet everything looks so grainy. It’s not like I have got my eyes on 1600ISO so why is the quality so poor? As well as the texture of my sight being affected, so is the white balance – Tinted orange by the intrusive street lights I would definitely need to balance my vision out in the RAW viewer on Photoshop. I pad squinty eyed to the kitchen sink and pour a glass of water. This ‘middle of the night’ water will without doubt taste like the water of the gods; the most divine, sweet, ice cold liquid that has ever soothed my gullet. (I’m sure it has nothing to do with the bottle of wine consumed earlier in the evening) As I glug, my eyes close in blissful appreciation, it is definitely some kind of oral orgasm to quench one’s thirst. We all learn to be able to navigate our homes in semi-conscious-urination-needing states. With eyes often still closed I can find my way to the bathroom, hands feeling for the same familiar corners of wall and doorframe at exactly the same point. I prop myself on the toilet seat, trying to retain the remnants of whatever dream was interrupted by a scene where I suddenly had to go to the toilet in front of a room full of people. Having retained the perfect level of sleepiness whilst ‘turning my bike around’ I head back upstairs…..Out of the corner of my ear I hear an unfamiliar clatter, one not caused by me, glimpse a moving shadow and in milliseconds the sleep haze has gone, overtaken by a huge surge of adrenalin fuelling my imagination, poisoning it with images of intruders in clown masks moving like house spiders who are reaching out for the saggy hem of my man’s pyjamas. I scale the stairs like a contestant on the travelator in Gladiators and hurl myself at the bed. As I land I freeze, no breathing, no movement at all, I must listen to the sound of him ascending the stairs, try to determine what weapon he has and whether I will need my can of Raid or if the horse whip will work better. The bed seems to pulsate in rhythm with my chest. It takes 10 minutes of silence before I think that perhaps the intruder is not sitting outside my door pulling his killing socks up. As my heart rate decreases I start to sink into the bed and relax, as long as I stay still and hidden in here I will be fine until the morning. As I relax though my sphincter also relaxes. Oh damn, I need to pee again…… damn that ‘middle of the night water’ where did I put my numchucks?

We went to Cold Stone the other night on the way home from work, and I first noticed the little kid in this family run in with a cute Spider Man costume on. Then I noticed the couple. Full on nightgown, pajamas and slippers! In public, on a weekday with the rush-hour rush before 6PM! Insane.