Oh, Peaches, if only you could be inside my head. But then there would be no need for blogs, would there, and how would we all spend that first hour of the workday when it's "too soon" to do anything more productive than drink coffee and delete spam e-mails?

I coin a lot of glorious terms in my daily life, because I am a master and commander of the English lang (and working on becoming Princess of le français, while I'm at it), and it recently occurred to me that their origin deep within my brain might make them a little troublesome for y'all. Behold, I am as magnanimous as I am adorable. I have collected my gems for you here. Enjoy.

AWK˚WARD TUR˚TLE, THE

Function: Noun/Adjective

Etymology: This is a pop culture thing. I don't know where it originated. Google it.

Definition: The proverbial "white elephant" has been replaced with an "awkward turtle" in the room. Refers to that thing that you talk around with some person, even though both of you are painfully aware you're purposefully not mentioning it, though obsessing over it. Often these animals are made of booze.

Example: "After I slept with Alex for the first time, it was all Awkward Turtle around the office for a few days."

CLA˚GIC

Function: Adjective

Etymology: Classic + Tragic

Definition: Used to describe something equally awful and forseeable.

Example: "As soon as Teeny slept with that loser musician, he stopped returning her calls. Clagic."

DEM˚MING

Function: Noun

Etymology: This was the first name of a totally lame boyfriend of Ava's; I started using it to describe guys of his ilk

Definition: A guy who, on paper, seems pretty solid: has a job, doesn't hate his parents, dresses decently. In practice, however, is dull, has lame friends, can't be bothered to evolve in any way, and harbors some deep-seated misogyny that he tries to pass off as chivalry.

Example: "Matt Damon, all the way. Ben Affleck seems like a total Demming."

FRA˚GIC
Function: Adjective
Etymology: Funny + Tragic
Definition: Describes something that's just so sad and bothersome you can't do anything about it save laugh. And mock.
Example: "Gladiator sandals are surely the most fragic trend of the summer."

GROOD

Function: Adjective

Etymology: Great + Good. Courtesy of Strong Bad.

Definition: Usually used sarcastically to describe something that is neither great nor good.

Example: "Alex has just set my desk on fire. Oh grood."

Etymology: Hot + Married, abbreviated

Definition: This one's pretty self-explanatory. While H&M is a wonderful place to shop and should never be avoided in the retail world, in its male incarnation it's a big old whammy. Stay the F away.

Example: "Why on earth did you ask me out if you have a wife, you fucking H&M? Lousy skeezebag."

LE SIGH

Function: Exclamation (subtle)

Etymology: Frang-lais

Definition: Used to express exasperation, defeat, or longing.

Example: "Oh, great. Another guy with seeming potential has turned out to be a Loser Musician. *Le sigh*."

LURVE / LURVES

Function: Verb / Idiomatic Expression

Etymology: Depending on who you talk to, this either comes from a play called The Advertisement (me) or Annie Hall (Lydia). Either way, it's an informal and slightly juvenile way of telling your best pals you care about them, without using the ambiguous "love" word.

Definition: A deep affection or appreciation for a person, place, or outfit. / A shortened form of the expression "I lurve you," or "I lurve it."

Examples: "Got the new B-52's CD this weekend. LURVES!"

LUST˚BIRD

Function: Noun

Etymology: Lovebird - Love + Lust

Definition: A person who's so completely wrapped up in whoever they've just begun sleeping with that they become intolerable to others, without even the benefit of being able to claim s/he is "in love."

Example: "Ever since those two hooked up, they've been complete lustbirds at the office. Grody."

MET˚RO˚PO˚LI˚STA

Function: Noun

Etymology: Metropolis+ista, trendy suffix meaning supporter or fan. Cred for this one goes to Lydia.

Definition: A girl who rocks it, big-city style.

Example: "Whether it's Ava in Chicago, Lydia in Boston, or Valerie in NYC, my friends are total metropolistas who have mastered public transport and urban dating."

PRE˚TTY SLU˚TTY

Function: Adjective

Etymology: Pretty (adjective meaning "lovely," not "very") + Slutty

Definition: Describes a look that one would affect to attract male attention by showing off one's...er...natural assets, but that stops short of being trampy. I think you know what I mean.

Example: "By pairing this miniskirt with opaque tights, or this low-cut top with relaxed jeans and flats, I can achieve the perfect pretty slutty look for the party."

ROCK!

Function: Exclamation

Etymology: Shortened form of "Rock and Roll!" or similar

Definition: Used to confirm the awesomeness of a situation or person, or to give affirmation to an idea or plan.

Example: "I spent half my paycheck on this dress, but I look fantastic and every guy in the place is all over me. Rock."

TEXT˚VER˚SA˚TION / TEXT˚VO

Function: Noun

Etymology: Text (message) + Conversation

Definition: A series of text messages exchanged on a certain topic by interested parties. Note: does not transition to a verb (ie, "We textversated.") because that would be idiotic. The correct verbage is "We texted."

Example: "I had a long and loving textversation with Ava while she was home visiting her parents last weekend." Can be shortened to "textvo" where needed.

UN˚CLE SAM'S SHOE AL˚LOW˚ANCE

Function: Noun

Etymology: Oh, I just made it up

Definition: Can refer to either your federal tax refund, or the extra $600 we're all getting because the government fears a pending self-created recession

Example: "I'm checking my mailbox fervently for Uncle Sam's Shoe Allowance. It better get here before the big sale at Akira ends."

WEB˚LEB˚RI˚TY

Function: Noun

Etymology: CELEBRITY - Cele + Web (as in interweb, not the spider kind)

Definition: A person whose notoriety stems solely from a bitchin' blog, snarky website, or traumatizing YouTube video; also, the state of being such a person.

Example: "Perez Hilton has actual parlayed his weblebrity into real celebrity, to the point that he gets recognized on the street and invited to marvy parties full of people who hate him."

WIK˚I˚LO˚SO˚PHY

Function: Noun

Etymology: Wiki(pedia)+Philosophy

Definition: An idea or understanding of life that is culled almost entirely from that life-system's entry on Wikipedia. Which was probably written by someone's gay fifteen-year-old cousin taking a break from his research paper on same.

Example: "Grady went on and on about Transcendentalism at dinner last night but couldn't name a single proponent of the movement. It's a total Wikilosophy of his."

WOLF˚BAIT

Function: Noun

Etymology: I didn't create this evocative term, but I find it most useful. The 1950 guidebook Chicago Confidential defines Wolfbait as "girls who move to the city looking for success."

Definition: (Here's my spin on it) Upon moving to Chicago from various and sundry small towns, wolfbait subsequently get the run around from employers, men, and general society. Wolfbait work downtown, drink in Lincoln Park, and live in groups of 3 or 4 in Lakeview. We are awesomes.

Example: "Miss Ava and I took our first outside lunch of the spring in Daley Plaza with the rest of the Steve-Madden clad wolfbait."

WSA

Function: Noun

Etymology: Shorted form of "Walking Sex Attack." Ava coined this one.

Definition: A person who is so incredibly, frustratingly horny that she should not be allowed around the general populace.

Example: "I know it's been a while since you got laid, but change your shirt. You don't want the skeevy guys at the bar to pick up on what a WSA you are."