I realize that this is pretty hard to read. Sorry about that. If you want to read it, go to your local Tops Friendly Market. DISCLAIMER: The image is an actual sign from a supermarket. The comments below are my responses to that sign. So. . . yeah. Q: Are lobsters fed while in the tanks? A: They are not in the tank long enough to warrant feeding them. (etc.) I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that the lobsters spend more time in the tank than a fat man spends at The Olive Garden. But the fat man gets fed. Oh, boy, does he get fed. Q: Are lobsters crowded in the tanks? A: It says something about how they make sure there are 2 gallons of saltwater for every pound of lobster. So they won't go thirsty. Yay! Q: Why are the lobster claws taped closed? A: Lobsters are territorial. If we didn't tape them, they would take over the seafood department. Q: Do lobsters feel pain? A: No. Even supposing they did feel pain, aren't they just DELICIOUS? Q: Why do lobsters move around as they cook? A: Why do you move around when you get into a hot tub? He's looking for the bubble jet nozzle! Duh! Q: Why do lobsters scream when placed in boiling water? A: (And I'm not making this one up.) Lobsters are not capable of screaming because they do not possess vocal cords. etc . . . Etc. etc. etc. we love lobsters. Especially with butter. My notes: Those poor lobsters. I don't eat them myself, but they just look so sad and depressed. . . I almost wanted to buy one just to get it out of the tank and put it out of its misery. Like Homer Simpson eating Pinchy.

Here's how it works at the Hotel Savoy in Kansas City, where they've been "offering continuous gracious, elegant, traditional service since 1888," (and last slapped some paint on the walls in 1980): for breakfast you can have anything -- or everything -- on a page long menu that's subdivided into the food groups Soup, Eggs, Lamb, Pork, Veal, Beef, Poultry, Fish & Seafood. Your options include Lobster Bisque (which is under soup, not seafood), Seafood Gumbo & Oyster Stew (ditto), Eggs Cooked to Your Order, Broiled Lamb Chop, and the traditional pork breakfast meats Bacon, Canadian Bacon, Sausage, and Ham. Oh: and a Pork Chop. That's column one. Column two covers your Veal Scallopines, your Hashes, your Chicken Livers Sauteed with Bacon, and a healthy assortment of swank mid-century seafood dishes including Oysters Rockefeller, Coquille Saint-Jacques, Baked Boston Scrod and Crab Meat Crepes. Also expected, according to the menu, are pastries, english muffins, cinnamon rolls, hard rolls, juice and coffee, which I suspect is to mitigate the notable absence of any kind of vegetable matter (unless you count the Lamb Sauteed with Artichokes). Breakfast is included in the price of the room, but only if you submit your choices by 10PM the night before to the front desk clerk who would rather continue the telephone conversation that she was conducting when you first checked in some hours ago. I'll let you know how it goes. Posting from my four poster bed at the Hotel Savoy in Kansas City, Missouri.