“I don't think I'll do it, dude. I did a few dry runs, didn't work out.”

“Dry runs?”

“Yeah, like, tried asking her a few times, in jest. Got negatives.”

“No man! Ask her, ask her again! She's hinted at it before!”

Oh, I didn't know you were eavesdropping. I'll fill you up on the details. This guy, a friend of mine, studying in Paris now, wants to ask a girl out. She hinted clearly enough that she'd consider him, last week. So he planned. And planned. And now he gets cold feet.

I did skip a few logical steps there. If she hinted at it, why didn't he ask her then? Well, he's... um, lets just say I can understand his point. One tends to get nervous around girls. And begins to think if he's heard right, or whether there is a mosquito in his ear, part of an international conspiracy by all the other guys in the world, to make him look like a fool in front of this great girl. And aside from that, there are known logistical and technical difficulties about knowing certainly what any girl feels about you. It's an open problem, and possible hypotheses are tested on a scale larger than the LHC's, every evening in every town in the world.

I type in exasperation, “You don't have any self-confidence! Come on, you can do it!”

It's so easy to (try to) inspire others. What would I have done in this situation? Exactly the same. That's the reason me and Achal are such good friends. We have our uselessness in common.

I finally prompt him to say “I'll try again”, Windows style (we slackers... never the linux enthusiasts, sigh), before he leaves. In an unrelated incident (had to clarify), I head to the loo for a... never mind. I just go to the loo.

The only thoughts that rival those you get when sitting on a pot are those you get when you smoke... pot. I started thinking about the possibly of making a voodoo doll of Achal and manipulating him into finally asking that girl. Or maybe just make him ask her without getting into his head. (That's essential. If you get into another guy's head, you can't manipulate him. All his arguments seem reasonable.) But, me being as useless as Achal in this regard, I wondered if not getting into his head would matter at all. A voodoo doll would atleast give me sadistic pleasure.

“Wanna try?” I heard a deep booming voice say. I looked up, and there was an old man in a flowing white beard standing before me. I got confused between the kind of pot I was on for a minute.

“Dumbeldore?” I said, with tears in my eyes. “You're... alive?”

“I am God, you freaking idiot! Dumbeldore? Hah, that's what came first into your mind, infidel?”

“Of course not, but all this most-powerful-guy-in-the-book-has-to-be-male thing, I always thought it didn't apply to the Bible. I can make allowances for J. K. Rowling's sexism, she being a mortal and all, but...”

“You mean even my existence is sexist!”

Glad I am I never phrased it that way. Nah God, you have a way of taking things too far. But the real point is... “Voodoo or normal manipulation, what'd you have me try?”

“Let's try Voodoo. You know, Achal is in the bar with her right now. Let's go!”

I love Gods who think of Voodoo as an actual option.

“Oh, lemme finish. One more question: Are you real or am I on pot?”

“Both. Now let's go.”

I hate Gods who don't let me finish. And you'll keep wondering what I was doing in the loo.

------

After a little bit of time, I find myself (sigh, I never understood this expression, how do you find yourself? But, then again, I am with God) in a long corridor with lots of doors. God leads the way, and despite the the doors not being marked and all, he opens one of the doors and we find ourselves in the voodoo section. Before I can ask him how he knew that this was the door (even angels needed to mark doors), he goes over to a huge screen, and speaks to it.

“Login: Guest. Password: Guest-hash-underscore-oogabooga-137.”

Very secure, I'd say. With a universal constant to boot.

God then hands me a voodoo doll and, evidently, leaves. But you can never trust Him that way. I stare at the screen, and there he is our beloved male lead: Achal. Sitting in front of him, our female lead, Girl. And in my hand, Mine-he.

There's not a lot in this room, but there's a table on my side. I check the drawers for stuff, and find:

1. Voodoo manual. What version is this voodoo? 18.1, hmm. Oh, still in beta.

2. Lots of pins and needles. For behaving roughly with someone.

3. Needle and thread. If you behaved very roughly with someone.

I hope I won't need any of these.

Ok, Mini-he, time to test you. I wave the hand, and Achal starts waving his hand. Wonder what he thought there. I try shaking the leg and OH MY GOD THE DOLL IS ANAMOTICALLY CORRECT!!! I throw it to the floor in shock... oops! I dare not look at the screen... but, phew, Achal is safe! Version 18.1 comes with crash handling! Yay! Was I ever this happy at version upgrades?

Then God appears, and reprimands me for my conduct with the doll.

I answer, “What... the... heck... was that? I am getting him just to first base... after that he's on his own, understand?”

God says, “I think we better switch to normal manipulation.” I think He shares my sentiment that voodoo and me are not made for each other. Especially porn voodoo.

He turns to the screen and says, “Normal Mode. With keyboard and joystick.” Turns to me, and clarifies. “Joystick is for moving Achal about. Not what you think. And keyboard is for typing things for Achal to say.”

Just a game this is now. I don't mind. Lets get Achal to first base, and fast.

----------------

Before I start, the conversation was something about Coupling. I have to move it to something to lead to an askout. But I do nothing, just watch them talk. Achal, despite his promise to 'try again', doesn't even seem to want to flirt. I don't think he's drunk yet.

Should I wait for him to be? I... don't know what to type. Until...

Girl: I don't think Steve and Susan make a great couple.

What the heck? Of course they make a great couple! I start typing "No, I think they..." when I hear:

Achal: Why? I think they make a great couple, see... 

Huh? What kind of premonition was that? Or do did he say it of his own will? Darn, there must be some way of pausing this...

Girl: No, he's not really suited for her. On TV, they can write anything, but Steve is more like a ...

Phew, found it. I should try if this Pause button really works. 

Girl: ... Capricon while Susan is a Virgo, and...

'Pause'. Wha? Capricon, Virgo? Why does Achal like this girl!? Argh, if this goes on, I refuse to participate. How do I start it again? Damn...  

Achal: No! Don't bring in Astrology. My point is, they're like any other couple. 

Oh, it started again. And... Phew!

Girl: No, now, Rachel and Ross are the best. They're sooo cute. They're a great couple.

I see that Achal is about to ask why. Quick as a pause, I hit 'flash'. Sorry, the other way round.

Okay, I say to myself. Turn it around, make it something which'll lead to something. Make it something. I am nose-deep in adrenalin by now. 

Okay, trial one. <type type type>. Does this sound ok? Ah, it's too silly. I press Enter, and as my finger moves towards backspace....

Achal: I think we'd make a great... cute couple. Will you go out with me?

Hey, I didn't realise it'd start again on pressing enter! Shit, shit shit! What have I done!? Why the hell did I press Enter?!

As there is a pause in the on-screen conversation, I realise how much I suck at this subtle leading-to-whatever thing! Is there even a rewind key on his keyboard?

Girl: Yes.

Ah. Whoa. I know how ridiculous my face looks when it's stunned. Phew!

Oh, wait a bit. Now Achal has a girlfriend, and I don't. Oh dear God what have I done.