broken
but how can I miss you if you won't go away?
8.5.2006 ~ broken
My heart has finally broken…
I am in shock… after being beaten, bruised, and cut to the point
I often wonder if the scars will ever heal, the unimaginable has happened…
there it is, my heart lying on the floor in a million shards and pieces…
curiously though, the pain is gone… I feel free for the first
time in years… any regret that I had about my decision is gone…
I know now that I did everything that I possibly could to try and save
what we had… but what we had was a relationship of convenience…
it was the “smart” match… so pretty when everyone on the outside
looked in… he was beautiful… so fucking brilliant…
I fell in love the moment I saw him… the first year was heaven…
ecstasy… storybook dreams… everything that I should want…
he used to dance with me…
Why did I try so hard? Why did
I think that I was the only one that could understand him… how could
I tell myself that he needed me… I shut down my life for him
and his needs… I gave up my dreams to let his grow… and lost
myself along the way… so gullible, I was - forgiving and making excuses for him...
Anger is a virulent emotion… one that I had been blessed with not having to really deal with before…. But, after a few years and some time living together, a rage began with him that I can’t explain… stress, maybe? Something that I had done wrong? Of course, it must be my fault… because I ruin everything that I touch… That is what you say to me... I never can do anything without fucking it up… go ahead… I deserve it… put your hand through the glass coffee table again… rip out another piece of the peace lily from my father’s funeral… keep breaking those presents that I have given you over the past four years… I fucking deserve it, right? Take the food that I bring you and smash it into the floorboard of my car… call me to pick up your drunk ass at 5am when I have to work two hours later… listen to me cry and stare at me with cold eyes… you are teaching me a lesson… I am worth nothing… just here to serve you… be a good girl, right?
Please… dance with me and make this all seem worthwhile again? Hold me and let me pretend that we are the same people that we once were? Just for a moment… even thorough all of your faults, I still love you... Just show me... Once... Show me your love... words mean shit to me right now... Kiss me and beg me not to go... Please... Do you hear me? Fuck no... I have learned to dance alone…
Saying goodbye was the only think I could
do… even though it ripped my heart out… how could I love someone
so much that effectively destroyed me? Wait… I take that
back… I allowed him to… again… this has been my fault from
the beginning… why have I been fighting talking to him for so
long?
If you ever loved me, you wouldn’t have been able to in one breath tell me we should be working things out, and in the next, watch me screaming on the floor… if you loved me… you should have put your fucking ego aside and taken me to the hospital… (Better yet, you should have controlled your temper so this never would have happened…) I let go for the last time as they shoved the needles into my finger… I had no one to cling to except the nurse… he held me down until the pain stopped…