October 22nd, Wednesday!

October 22nd was not always Wednesday,no great revelation though, but the year I was brought into mortality i.e 1983, it just happened to be saturday. In a couple of hours after I would have have finished this, I would reach the golden mark , 25 years of age, a mark which history proclaims that the era of creativity has ended for me or is soon to be so. I came to realize that i was at the gates of the golden moment yesterday almost to be knocked out on the next day, i.e today proclaiming that the hey days are over, now come on take control or be doomed, realize your fate from today.

When i look back at the days, months years that have long gone by and those that have whiskered fairly past just now, I don't know if they were good or bad, infact i don't intend to classify them but one thing is for sure, I had a lot more and much more myriads of experiences, not restricted to any specific field , professional or personal that what a normal person has or can even think of.

I cherish each and every moment of my past , sometimes in dews rolling off my cheeks and sometimes as a smile and delight on my face. I can very well write a book on it, but who shall read ? It's said you never really write for someone else,you write for yourself. Ok i will defer that off lest it leads to a never ending altercation; altercation with whom ! Ok of late, not of late . infact from the early days i can remember myself, I debated a lot with myself on all topics and each aspect, only that these days i have overgrown this attitude of mine. 

Today was indeed a special day, for any one it is. Birthdays are special. They are meant to be special. But I am not feeling anything special. The reason, perhabs because I have always felt myself to be special, but i have not proved the same yet. I learnt that ISRO today is launching Chandrayan, its gr8 that they chose this date for the launch but i feel i would have felt more honored if i had joined ISRO. I didn't do that. Never mind,let me not think about it. There are lot many other things I want to write but I can't write. but why shouldn't I ? This is my page and why the hell should I bothered about anyone reading it or not reading it....However I warn you that whatever I am writing below should not be read by you whoever you are. Its just that I need to vent my feelings and what I think and I don't want your goddamn invisible face to ruin me writing anything about myself and I request you not to read the below lines......

Last 25 years have been long and short, long on the waits and short on the achievements. I don't know where should i start from. Shall i start from my memories of school or reverse chronological order.I don't know what order i shall be following. Sometimes I feel, i have lost my memories , at least a good part of it, but have I ?  I clearly remember that I was never a great scorer but always an achiever. I used to achieve high with almost little or no effort. back in class 3 and 4 , I was learning idioms and phrases and one incidence stands out in my memory.I never cared to do homeworks. My tuition teacher, sir , what i just call him even now was the best person in English. I don't know when my parents felt that I should have a tuition for English, but they did a good job. I hated tuitions because , I can't bear with anyone for an hour. It wasn't me who could patiently learn anything for over an hour and then also complete the assignments for the next day.It was only a few days until I learned how not to waste my so precious time which would otherwise be used in thinking about the shot selection and the game plan to beat a particular kind of bowler or to win tomorrow's game.My teacher, Sir , 60+ person clad in pink sweater and a lean and thin persona, wrinkled cheeks , medium sized hair , tanned skin and sharp nose represented a worn out version of a tall dark and handsome figure in his youth.He seemed to be retired since long from the job of lawyer and i considered him very very old but he showed no signs of aging. He was always there on time 6 days a week and round the year. I need to get some food for myself.

 

 

 

 

Thursday 25th September

 "khuda ke waaste parda na qaabe se na utha jalim .... 

                             kahin aisa na ho yahan bhi wohi kafir sanam nikle............

kahan maikhane ka darwaza galib aur kahan wahid

                             par itna jaante hain ki kal woh jaata tha ki hum nikle 

hazaaron quahishen aisi ki har quahish par dam nikle, bahut nikle mere armaan magar phir bhi kam nikle "

 

Monday, 23rd Jun,2008

 Hi, The morning shows the day. The morning was an embarassing one! i hope the evening doesn't copy cat the trend.

Well, I thought, why should i pose as a fool by writing it here but then thought who cares, perhabs i am only and most frequent visitor of this corner in the infinite cyberspace... and more importantly, this is my space, I shall deal in any way I like with this page "what goes anyone's else fathers?"

So by all these blabbering i did what i intended to, to put in some syrup of the courage to face the embarassment as I revisit the incidence.........

As usual,I get up early in the morning, just about 40 mins before I intend to hook on to the last bus of the great "Win in the flat world company". Not that I have some prerogatives to reach here before 9:30 , but the inconvinience caused after the last bus goes is not buyable...

But 40 mins is cool to get ready, yeah if you have to take bath everyday, fulfill your spiritual desires in the mortal ways , linger around for minutes as if you have all the time in the world to look from the balcony what is goin below with the dogs analyze and conclude their problems, sit down calmly to turn over each of the 28 newspaper pages and call people just to say how are you,press your Shirts and try a couple of trousers to see which looks cool in a week old unshaven cheeks .... 40 mins .... is only just enough....

Here I have a good friend chipping in , for i almost never have the time to walk to the 13 mins faroff bus-stop, right now every minute counts ...so this wonderful guy, with his brotherly affection not only drops me to the bus stop but only nags me with did u take ur ID card to did you lock your doors....

How did i wish he was there today... I reached the bus stop almost on time...i.e around 5 -7 mins 

 

 

Wednesday 18th Jun,2008

Hmm , a month's gap almost.... 29 nights and 28 days ... what has changed .. did anything ..probably not  outside but a lot within. 

Don't know how but somehow these 30 days passed off in a whiz,physically what I did these days, well  I had a trip to my hometown,i know this key board sucks but i have raised an AHD request for the replacement. that now seems good work,knowing the fact that this was long due.

There are lots I want to write about but i dont want to type. The keyboard sounds are not good and also the spacing between the letters is too small. 

Kehte hain yeh duniya ke raaste, koi majil nahi tere waaste.......

nakamiyon se naata mera joda , amaanush bana ke choda .........

Lovely song...no I am not saddistic... and this songs doesnt only reflect of interest only to me but to a a large chunck of people and even the world..... Bangalore, IT, US ,Seattle, Africa even the Arctic have the same issues to solve... They dont have any way to go now other than disaster unless they step back and think.

We often consider prosperity and wealth as synonymous where as the meanings are very different. Neither the poor are happy nor the rich are satisfied. So what is important, the feeling is important, the feel good factor is important. Amitabh Bachchan may be very having a lot of wealth and other things that make him happy,seemingly to us, but he doesnt feel good when someone comments that his acting in a bollywood movie, Black was not great or that Black was not a good movie.

The word is  "feel good".How do you feel good then, you may be coming to office in a chauffeur driven cab, listening to a favourite no and get down to have a great cup of original south Indian coffee at the Infy gate.Yes it feels great, but not when the poor lady stands closeby asking for alms to feed her kid.You either ignore it or give her an alm for you cant stand her sight anymore, because you have just tasted the bitter imbalance of wealth, not the coffee.Leaving the feeling there in the hope that it won't follow you march towards the call, call with your affluent American clients.

We have grown selective and in-fact have been taught and learned to be selective in what should affect one's line of thinking, when we first shared a toffee with the so called dirty kid in the playground, the psychological division of good and bad was created by the folks who had till then mastered the art of selective influence."don't play with them" ; they are bad boys,dirty boys.Somehow the economic realms selected out companionship and this is true even till date.... we don't want to be with someone we consider inferior not on the basis of thinking but on the basis of selective socio economic factors.

Udte panchchi ka thikana ...mera na koi jahan ,

 na dagar hai na khabar hai jana hai tujhko kahan ........... 

Thus evolves another selectively influenced person, though earling bucks , having a family keeping them happy but yet incomplete... He tends to forget all such feelings which make him uncomfortable day in and day out ....he runs away from them on the pretext of being "practical". This is the practicality syndrome on which i shall be writing in the philosophy pages............. but the gist remains the same ........... we are all incomplete ... this incompleteness .. slowly penetrates our system , leeches the humanity within and finally we are just a hollow man at the end of it , waiting for our death bed , thinking what we could have done in all the years that passed by ...

Main karta raha auron ki kahi , meri baat meri mann hi mein rahi...

kabhi mandir mein ..kabh mehfil mein ..sajta hi raha hun main.....

I dread this thought, I fear no failure, I fear no shortcomings, I fear this thought ... This is my biggest nightmare. I am trying to break free the incompleteness but am also not devoid of the selective nature syndrome. I feel like giving half of my uttapam to the beggar woman, or better to make her into a enterpreneur .......but i fear the eyes of people nearby me ... i fear their thought process... i dont still have the courage to come over it......I know what is my worth and what area is worth my goal, but I am not able to do that , chiefly because of "what the people would say"...........

I shall renunciate all this, all that I have but before that "this..what will people say syndrome should be managed".... i know even of ways of doing that........ lemme see if I can .....God help me .. coz I dont know till how long I can sustain the inner battle to be good!

 

Monday 19th May,2008

Who said I shall be writing every day, it can be forthnightly or even monthly.

Actually I am losing interest in this, one reason being I am unable to express myself completely here and that is true with any sort of social publishing.

Somewhere I am stuck at the morality and freedom of the self.

Nonetheless, I can surely write things which are of common interest to the mortals and myself.

Suddenly she turned back, realising that my eyes were fixtaed on her. She was left gauched with blank face. I wasn't. Obviously, strange things do attract attention and sometimes they are deliberately done to put one on centerstage.

I don't understand, sitting way away from the window , exactly 3rd seat from the window pane, how would the petty wind play widly with your locks. They won't , but it is customary for you to think that every touch in this world is derogatory to your self.

A little while precisely 30 mins after all her excercise of gaining attention failed she did try the bramhastra. She took out a wierd looking comb, and with all the locks almost thrown at my side, started carressing the streaked prop roots.

Throughout the journey,she kept doing things which one normally doesn't expect in the professionally, such as losing her sandals and sitting barefoot. clapping her fingers incessently , staring at my book and might be others which whent unnoticed.

True , she was able to gain my attention at the final moments , but I was more "yuck" than "wow"

Anyways,  I really hope that you become Miss Universe and gain all the attention you desire.

 

Friday 2nd May,2008 :

 A resolution made, I will eat only when I feel hungry not when I feel like eating. Yes, i know for most of the folks, the two are synonimous, but how I wish it could be true for me.

I am a food lover, so much so that I even wanted to start a firm on my own for online cooking recipes, after discovering the pain and joy of cooking myself.

But thanks to indira, i could see that a good indian site already exists not only for recipes but also lot more.

So till now i dint feel like eating much , skipped breakfast and had little less in lunch.Let's see how many days or hours I can stick to my resolution............

TGIF is not over .............. lets c what it brings in next couple of hours

 

 

 

Thursday 1st May,2008:

Today is my sis bday. I planned to send something but again my procastination got better of me.I hope she doesnt mind as she hasn't been minding till date and more over I am still her little brother.. I dont know till when this excuse would hold true....

Anyways

                               ............. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DIDI....................

                                           Many Many Happy returns of the day

  Times do change and sometimes change a lot.

 

I thought of ordering a cake but that didnt work out. There were lot of options , but no urge could better my boring TV watch in the evening. I called up to check if she was at home, but she was leaving for a movie.. I hope she liked it coz I din't and asked her if she had the tickets already done.In that case only yes was the answer coz I know what it feels if u r prepared for a movie and someone says "its not worth watching".

Aloo paratha, one of my favorite cusines and it was good this time.

Then little you-you ... me -me altercation with my buddy , Arpit and then off you go to A beautiful mind and then in its dreams.

Well Ghost rider was also good....

 

Wednesday 30th April,2008:

Its not 30th today, its 2nd May, but I still like to recall 30th April, Wednesday.

How fleet is the memory, I can't remember almost nothing. Ain't they call it amnesia ? I dont know ..lemme recall....

Wednesday morning was sweet, should be ...coz i dont remember anything wrong. Yeah, we woke up ...all three lying on a double bed. Arpit was the last to wake up, the reason i just came to know yest night. Imagine , Arpit on one side of the bed, being tortured voluminously by my stretching exercises at night. I don't remember any such thing except that i asked him to take the pillow every time I felt he was waking me up.. Oh i got it now . It must have been true......I was contantly forcing him out of the bed and everytime he woke me up to shift, I just couldn't understand why this guy is pushing the pillow towards me. Okies .. it was me going towards the pillow and not them trying to reach me.

How the clouds of confusion do away with the advent of logical rays  of thinking.

I came to office with Sharmaji, whose stay in India is only numbered now. I know if he reads this he will just wish my line comes true with the domain of the number in units.

Anyways, things moved on steadily in office,  meeting, then evening calls and management. My work comes in packets and often bunch of packets at a time , both personal and professional.

I forgot the mattress .... yes i really forgot about it until i went to my room. With no one around, yes my room mates are night riders, they often come very late, I had to use my muscle power.

Night called for a movie , I don't remember which.... and the sleep had vanished coz the next day was a holiday......... anyways i said goodnight to the stars before they planned to adieu me.

 

Tuesday 29th April, 2008 :

This is my First day of online diary. No , I am not new to this blogging concept ,but somewhere I wanted my own website , copyrighted to me. This desire to keep completely own something traces back to my childhood. In fact everything in my life traces back to my childhood in someway or another. Ya, you are right that this space is also created by google. Hence in a way it is not completely owned by me.In the quest to do so I bought a domain name for a nominal amount but some amount of space would cost me another 1000 bugs for an year. Now that is a small price to pay for owning my own www.amritkumar.in ,but before I invest in something like this  I want to be very sure that I can actually sustain the interest of keeping up my website. This "very sure" thing which I just now uttered in the previous statement is one of the key issues I have been dealing with since past 3-5 years. I am actually sure of nothing.The relativity theory has caught on ver badly with me.

So this is not a place for philosophy , I have other section dedicated for that.

Bus journeys are not comfortable, often true than not and missing infy bus did cost me a pain at least mental. It wasn't a smooth volvo ride today, but nevertheless the special words from someone made it look effortless towards the end.

I got some lessons today : I don't value what I have and surprisingly it is very true. i do not value anything that I possess, human relations , materialistic possessions , even myself. Being down to earth is one thing but neglecting what you have , neglecting what you have been gifted by the Almighty is a refusal to life, digressing to death.

May be this is beacause of my out of the world experience with people, which made me believe that there is no one I can rely or believe upon , nothing I can call my own, the beliefs of owning someone or something has been shaken to the roots , and probably the nothingness theory came into me. More about this nothingness theory in my philosophy pages.

Nonetheless, I resolved to love myself again, to observe and trust myself if not anyone else.A great leap for me.

Probably in respect of the resolution, I did for the first time today what I really liked : Machine learning , an Artificial Intelligence topic , my fav , a lecture was being held in Bld 44, Infosys. The professor ,Prof. Srihari has more than 300 papers in this area. It was a very brief account of what all he has been teaching,in fact too brief to be interesting. The bayesian techniques are what he is working on.

My ideas on Machine learning ....ohh in the Research page.

Next, I did what i seem to enjoy most, intense moments of work, the delivery of our product Elixir to our very old client (US based firm), who seems  extremely dissatified with my firm.

Adi, surprisingly didn't know the Infy cab funda for the so called late night workers in the company.When we left, the beautiful rains had already stopped. I know not when they started, but I know it well now that it has rained cats and dogs, so much so that our beds were drenched deep with every other book, newspaper , cloth, helping the bed to enjoy the colourless Holi.

To aid to the assault, the Edison's invention were teasingly enjoying night out today. The candle had lost its wick  and the matchbox its falir. But someone has said when you truly desire something, the universe conspires for it.It did and everything worked perfectly fine in the end....... good night.