I really hadn't gone very far down when I got to AA, wanting a shoulder to cry on and to hang onto a job that I knew my drinking was affecting. I was vomiting blood on occasion, had been grossly overweight and often woke in a wet bed with no memory of the night before. But there were no jails, nut houses, car wrecks or alcoholic seizures. I still had a job as a high school teacher, that I was afraid of losing at the age of 28, and mostly drank beer. I would sometimes listen to the dramatic stories in AA meetings and feel a bit envious, thinking of things I could do to jazz up my story if I had a slip. It was comforting to be reminded one night that the best stories were in the cemetary. I was just sick of living in my own skin, that my life was headed downward and I would clearly end up where I didn't want to go unless I did something about it. I had felt that something was wrong with me before I started drinking, something that alcohol seemed to either fix or enable me to live with for a while. But I had to admit that it had become more of a problem than a solution by the time I got here. I couldn't guarantee my behaviour after taking the first drink. I still often had enjoyable nights out doing so, but it was like Russian roulette, with a bang getting to be about as likely as a click. Sitting in a cafe after a meeting one night, another member told me something that was scarey at the time, and I don't think I really understood it at the time, but I do now. He said that if I didn't go through hell while drinking, I was likely to do so in sobriety. Now I take this to mean that, if alkies really drank themselves into the gutter, sobriety had to be an improvement almost from day one. I have heard some who slept in parks say how wonderful it was to have their own room with a light they could switch on and off. For me it wasn't long before I lost my compulsion to drink, and it was nice waking in the morning with a painless head in a dry bed with a clear memory of the night before. But then I had to go out and face the same job, and the mess I'd made of it, cold sober. I was dry but felt crazier than when I was drinking. Teachers can be nice guys or tyrants, but alternating between the two as my mood swung was pretty confusing for anyone, and I doubt if anyone besides myself appreciated my being sober. In one senior economics class, I messed up drawing a diagram on the blackboard and said, "Jeez, I think I'll go back on the piss." one of few things I've ever said that had students cheering. |