I used to think that alcohol helped me escape from reality, but now tend to think it was more an escape to reality, away from the ill-founded fears and anxieties and negative thinking that was part of my sober existence then, my perception of reality at the time. Alcohol helped me to see that the things I feared and worried about were really no big deal, because that was usually the case. It gave me a feeling of well being, when my life was far from one and seemed far worse than it actually is. The reality I live in now has nothing to fear or be anxious about and I am able to live contententedly in a real state of well being. Drinking would do nothing but make me sick again, re-creating a perception of reality that I would have to escape from. AA has given me tools to clean the shit off the glasses I view the world through, on the now rare occasions when I find some there, by straightening out my attitudes. One of the wisest things I have heard in meetings is that, "I can't do much about my feelings, but I can change my attitudes and the feelings tend to follow." When I was new, I used to carry a thing called a Just for Today card, which I still see at meetings here. I got rid of it after a while because, when I got to the point where Abraham Lincoln said that most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be, I got a resentment against him. I was feeling miserable and he seemed to be saying that it was my fault. Perhaps it was, but that wasn't very comforting at the time. I now know that Abe was right but it isn't quite that simple. I tend to find happiness when I concentrate on doing worthwhile things and it doesn't seem to matter much whether I'm happy or not. I can chase down fleeting pleasure, but real happiness only comes and lingers only when I am no longer seeking it. |