I once heard that he natural state of the non-alcoholic is anxiety and depression, and that rings true for me. Over the 33 years since AA helped me stop drinking, I have become comfortable as a fish out of water, but still have to put quite a bit of effort to maintain that comfort with meetings, steps, trying to do the next right thing, maintaining some sort of contact with God, conscious or not. I have felt almost continual contentment since getting back from a trip to Sydney three years ago, and, until quite recently, I had thought that was unlikely, if not impossible, in this lifetime. Minor discontentments come along from time to time, and require a bit of attitude adjustment, but I am usually able to do that.
I recall that one slogan I heard early in recovery was, "Count your blessings and not your hang-ups." I still have a few hang-ups, but they are few and insignificant compared to the blessings I have received. I can see that sobriety was not the answer when I stopped drinking, just the air that a fish out of water was now living in, trying the resist the natural understandable urge to plop back into the water. Becoming a comfortable fish out of water is not easy and takes time. Sitting in meetings, like drinking, gave me at least some temporary relief from both anxiety and depression, but only working the steps and living in accord with them gave me lasting comfort through each day. At one meeting I went to, a guy said he had slip after slip since getting to AA, and thenadded, "I go to meetings when I can, but I don't make it my life." I now see that meetings are important, as I don't think self-discipline is enough to keep me doing the other things I need to stay sane and sober if I can't even get myself to go to them. I went to an average of about ten meetings a week for my first three years, and then went to work for a rehab. One day I was with some residents speaking at a school and noted that there was a poster on the back wall of the room we were in. It pictured an old sailing ship and said, "Ships are safe in harbours, but that isn't what ships are built for." I think now that I did need to be in a harbour of some sort for a while, but also needed to sail out, while continuing to maintain the repairs and refitting done in the harbour.
Once at a meeting, I said I thought I went to too many meetings when new. An oldtimer who had been at a lot of my early meetings came up afterwards and asked if I was sure I would still be here if I hadn't been to all those meetings and I had to admit that I wasn't. He used to talk about building a good foundation for recovery and I can see now that those meetings were part of that foundation.
I have seen occasional squabbles between those who say, "AA is my life." and those who say, "Get a life!" AA may not be my whole life, but I have to ensure that it is at thecore of my life, not something added that can fall off or be forgotten, and my life must be consistent with the principles behind the Steps. |