When I was new, chairmen would often end meetings by saying, "You can leave this room and need never drink again." I sort of missed the "need" part, thought it sounded like a threat and hoped it wouldn't happen to me, as I still couldn't picture living without alcohol. I've been told that this is still said to end some meetings in Sydney, with "and be happy" added. But there could be a problem with that because it often takes a long time to happen, and we are not known for our patience. At the Catholic school I taught at when I got to AA, someone put up a sign that said, "God
grant me patience, but I want it right now!" In early recovery, I tried carrying something called a Just for Today card still found as some Aussie meeting including my home group, and read it each morning. The problem with that is that it includes a part in which it quotes Abraham Lincoln as saying, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." That bugged me because I still felt pretty miserable and it didn't seem to help to be told it was my fault, and it didn't include any information about how to just make myself happy. I have now been sober over 34 years and think that Abe was right. I can make up my mind to be happy by altering my attitudes. I used to think that one of the great maxims was, "Shit happens." I have since learned that it is life that happens, and it just seems like shit if my attitudes are out of whack. I can't directly do anything about how I feel, but I can change my attitudes and the feelings tend to follow. In recent years I have been pretty happy almost all the time, but I still didn't think that would be possible even ten years ago. Everyone knows that alcoholics can't cope with alcohol, and that wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for the fact that we can't cope with sobriety either. It tends to get so rotten that we have to drink again. Nobody can do anything to help us cope with alcohol, but, with a bit of help from God, we can help each other cope with sobriety. There was no instant cure for the mess I was even before I started drinking, and stopping seemed to drive me nuttier after I went of my self-subscribed medication, but with the help of God and AA, life got bearable, then tolerable then kind of nice some of the time and eventually there was almost continual contentment, all conditional on doing what I needed to do, maintaining good habits instead of bad ones. Happiness was a long time in coming because, in the years after I stopped drinking, I was still totally self-centered and had little understanding of what attitudes were, much less how to alter them. I did at least get to the point where I didn't want any other members, even the obnoxious ones, to drink, and saying the Serenity Prayer a lot was giving a bit of practice with acceptance, mainly because there seemed to be no sensible alternative to accepting thing I could do nothing about anyway. I eventually found that, as I got a bit less selfish, I could see that there were more important things in life than my well being. When what I was doing was more important than my well being, I could get to the point where it didn't matter whether I was happy or not, and that was when a bit of happiness seemed to come my way. In Zen they talk about seeing the world through a new pair of glasses. That seems to be what has happened to me, but quite gradually. The world I see around me now is a wonderful place to live, quite unlike the nightmare I thought was reality when I first got here.I can't imagine life getting any better but wouldn't be surprised if it does. I may soon find myself going over the hill physically but there are no limits to spiritual growth. It isn't a matter of waiting for pie in the sky. It seems quite true that the reward for living a good and sober life is a good and sober life. Pleasure can be chased and grasped at times, but usually disappoints in the end, but happiness comes as a result living a good life and just flutters away when chased. After many years of sobriety, I feel I am gettng close to just being able to enjoy each moment as I comes along, but I still have old tapes that can run in my head with old ideas and attitudes that need adjusting. I take comfort in a saying a member of my group particularly likes which is, "If you can learn to laugh at yourself, you have a lifetime of entertainment.
I had sometimes wondered why we often talk about being "happy, joyful and free." Don't happy and joyful mean about the same thing. I have come around to the idea that joy may be somewhat more spiritual, deeper and more lasting. |