I had thought an alcoholic was someone who was pretty sane when sober but who went nuts when they drank. I doubted I was one, partly because I felt sane when I drank and crazy when dry. While alcohol seemed to be a temporary cure for the insanity of alcoholism for me, I have to admit that I often didn't act sanely while under the influence, but I see that as the effect of the drug rather than the insanity of alcoholism, the feelings that drove me to drink. I didn't drink until I was 19, and remember what I was like before then. I felt different from others and envied their seeming ability to handle life without all my anxiety, fear, discomfort, shyness and incompetnence. I thought I was superior to others by felt inferior, feeling different and seeing life through warped, shit-colored glasses that made reality seem like an awful place to be. It was only when I started drinking that I could feel comfortable with myself and others, not feeling restless, irritable or discontent, at least for the night. When I stopped drinking, all that came back to the surface and I felt crazier than ever, a bit of a mystery as many in AA seemed to talk as if stopping drinking solved all their problems. Alcohol no longer interfered with my job, but I found that it didn't get much easier, or me more competent or secure. I was still childish and completely self-centered with all defects in tact. All the feelings that made alcohol seem such a wonderful answer to my problems came back, without labels and with me having lost any ability I once had to deal with them without drinking, and a sort of almost uncontrollable anger I'd never had before was coming to the surface on occasion. Being a high school teacher, a job in which feeling that people were out to get me may be quite rational, was hard when my mood swings had me veering between nice guy and tyrant. It took me quite a while to see that this is alcoholism and not some weird form of mental illness that only I had as most others in AA seemed to just tell drinking stories and then talked about how great life had been since they stopped. A lot of newcomers have come to AA in the six years I have been living in Northwest Tasmania, and I only know of one who has gotten and stayed sober for a couple of years. It could be that others found that, while they had problems with alcohol, they could handle sobriety without the aid of AA, perhaps not being alkies after all, but I don't know if that was the case. I suspect that they got the idea that staying sober is just a matter of going to a meeting every week or two as that is what those at them seemed to do. They could stay dry for a while, and even lose the compulsion to drink, by doing that, but it does little to treat the insanity of alcoholism, and my guess it that this drove most of not all back to the booze. By also working at the Steps, I have found that it is quite possible to find real sanity, the ability to adjust to reality, as well as lasting contentment, happiness and continual spiritual growth. Of course, this has to maintained, and I don't think maintaining it ever becomes effortless, but I have come to enjoy putting in the effort. I these ways, I believe that I have more than recovered, living a life far better than I could have found if I wasn't an alcoholic. But like most, I am reluctant to call this recovery as it can't be taken for granted, and I know that my body's sensitivity to alcohol, and its potential to aid self-distruction only increases with time. |