When I got to AA in Sydney in 1974, there was one Steps meeting in a posh part of town, and the rest were what are now called ID meetings. Most speakers would talk about their drinking for about nine minutes, tell how they got to AA and then talk for a minute or so about how wonderful their lives were in sobriety. Instead of talking about what they were like when they drank, most talked about what they did and what happened to them, as many thought it wasn't right for Aussie men to talk about their feelings. I had been a heavy beer drinker, 336 lbs. at one time, and often woke in a wet bed with a hangover and incomplete memory of the night before, but I was only 28 and my story was pretty tame compared to most, and there were times when I sat in meetings thinking about what I could do if I had a slip to jazz it up a bit. I didn't identify much with the part about how wonderful sobriety is either because a strange mental illness, which I now see as alcoholism, seemed to come to the surface when I stopped drinking. My job as a high school teacher was still driving me nuts and not getting easier, anger was bubbling inside and I was full of anxiety much of the time. I had about as much trouble handling sobriety as I had handling alcohol and it just didn't seem all that great. I wasn't at all sure whether I was an alcoholic and asked some others how I could tell. They said I would identify with the stories I was hearing in meetings, although they also suggested that I look for similarities rather than differences. I found enough of those to keep me here, as I'd had enough experience with drinking to know that wasn't the answer to my problems, and I just might find it here eventually. It was years later that I heard that an alcoholic is someone who can't guarantee his behaviour after taking the first drink and I knew that was the case for me. I was still enjoying most of my drinking sessions, but it was a bit like playing Russian roulette as I couldn't predict what would happen once I started drinking. The drinking stories I heard in meetings seemed to be telling me that the problem is drinking and the solution is sobriety, but came see that drinking was no longer a problem as I wasn't doing it, and living in sobriety was what I had to deal with, not just going to meetings to be reminded not to drink. Over time I have come across other members who seem to insist that something or other is true of all real alcoholics, sometimes citing something in the Big Book to make their case, and felt a bit uncomfortable about being here because it didn't seem to apply to me. Perhaps I have felt this way since my early day as a high bottom drunk when low bottoms were more in fashion. I have heard this described as the idea that, "The worse you were, the better you are." One guy in a meeting insisted that, if someone was alcoholic, they couldn't possibly stop drinking once they started. If anyone had sat down on the next stool and asked me if I could stop drinking after the first or tenth drink, I would have considered that a stupid question. I might have said, "Of course I could!," although I would probably I would have followed that up with, "But why the hell should I?" No alien force took over my arm and forced more beer down my throat. Recently, based on the Big Book saying that at times the alcoholic has no defence against the first drink, some have insisted that, even if happily sober, they could suddenly find themselves struck drunk through no fault or irrational decision on their part. This seems fatalistic to me, something that might have some questioning whether there is really much point in putting in the effort to work the Steps and do other things that would help them stay sober if they could well end up drunk anyway. I tend to think that I stay sober by staying sane and able to adapt to reality, something I have now come to quite like. I believe that God does have a role in keeping me sober, but I still don't quite know what that is. It is a bit like an old story I've heard in meetings in which a clergyman looks into a garden where and AA member working. "It looks like God is at work here." he says. And the AA member replies, "Yes, but you should have seen it when He had it all to himself!" If I am sharing my experience, strength and hope by talking or writing about what I have done to find and maintain a happy and contented life in sobriety, there will be some who can identify and find something useful in what I say. But there could be a problem if I start thinking that I am speaking for all of us, implying that those who do not share my experience don't really belong here. I recall hearing that one expert who had spent much of his life studying the problem was asked what an alcoholic is and replied, "Someone who drinks more than his doctor." Perhaps one day there will be a blood or urine test that will be able to say for sure whether someone is an alcoholic. I am about 99% sure I would be found to be one. About the only other possibility is that I was a heavy drinker who also has a mental illness much like alcoholism which has been relieved through the same treatment. Whatever it is has been relieved to the point where I'm quite glad I have it, as I have found more happiness and contentment in life than I ever dreamed possible. |