Although I am a retired English teacher, I find the prospect of analysing Shakespeare while writing on an AA topic a bit daunting, so I will just write on being honest with myself. When I got to AA and heard "How it Works" read at every meeting, I got the idea that honesty was pretty important, but it wasn't really a problem for me as I was a compulsive truth teller, even when drinking, and often got in trouble for it, and about my only experience with stealing was forgetting to pay for things a few times, and even then I went back to do so on most occasions. It took me a while to learn that what is important here is being honest with myself and not trying to pretend that I am something I'm not. The word hypocrasy puzzled me, and I only felt I understood it when, while learning Japanese, I found that it was simply written in that language using the Chinese characters for false and goodness. The simplest example I got from another AA member was using a public toilet and then washing my hands if there happens to be someone else in the room but skipping that if there wasn't. My head thought I was a pretty good guy and my guts thought I was an inept loser. The truth obviously had to lie somewhere in between but somehow both were a bit scared of finding out what I really was. After getting to AA, I was slowly able to open up a bit about myself to others and then at meetings, and found that nothing horrible happened as a result, and it took off a lot of pressure that I had been putting on myself. It is so much easier to be honest, and yet it seems hard to do. I recall a time at work when someone said that something I had just said was crazy and I was able to immediately say, "Well, I don't claim to be sane." Perhaps claiming to keeps people crazy. As I got honest with others, at work, meetings and on Steps 4&5, I was able to get more honest with myself, and honesty led to a bit of humility that I really needed, avoiding walking around with an inflated ego that is just begging to be popped by the first prick that comes along. As a kid, my mother kept telling me to be myself, but I didn't really know what I was and had neither the motivation or ability to find out. So much of life seems to be based on trying to impress that it is a hard habit to break, regardless of how futile and unrewarding that is. I heard someone define consumerism as, " buying things I don't really need with money I don't really have to impress people I don't really like." When you think about it, there would seem to be little point in that but many do it. For me living comfortably means living simply, but I still have to admit that I probably will do a couple things to impress my brother, the white sheep in the family, when he and his wife come to visit next week. I have surrendered when it comes to sibling rivalry, but I can't resist a potshot from time to time. I would sometimes hear people in AA say, "Fake it until you make it." I now see that as useful in things like holding down a job, where running to the boss telling him everything I did wrong would not really be a good idea. A bit of acting is sometimes necessary whether one is a teacher or governor. But it can be a killer in this fellowship where I needed to learn to be as honest as possible with others and myself. It is important to be where I'm really at an not talk as if I am where I think I should be. I recall a meeting in which we were talking about praying for those we resent. It was nice but a bit in the air. The last speaker was a ship's engineer who said, "Pray for 'em? I wish they'd piss off and die!" That brought the meeting back to earth beautifully. Telling a newcomer who is struggling to get Step 1 to "Let go and let God." is not very useful. |