When I got to AA, to try to stop drinking long enough to sort out some problems with my job, it was pretty hard to be grateful. In fact I felt sorry for myself because I seemed to suffer more from self-pity than anyone else in AA. To be stricken with drinking problems at the tender age of 28, when about everyone else in AA drank far longer, to try to keep a teaching job that scared the hell out of me anyway, seemed a cruel blow and a terrible handicap. When I had been sober a while longer, I began to see that living sober could be better than drinking, at least some of the time, and that it was possible to be both sober and happy. At first, the word 'sober' seemed about the same as 'somber' to me. It also occurred to me that seeing this as a terrible handicap was a bit ridiculous, that, if I tried sitting on a corner with a sign hanging around my neck that said CAN"T DRINK SOCIALLY, I would have few coins tossed into my tin cup. But still, it bugged me it someone got up at a meeting and say that they were glad they were alcoholic. How could anyone be happy about having a mental illness? I can understand it now, as being alcoholic has led me to AA, serenity and belief in God. Going through life without the drama of being an alkie and spending vacations looking at old buildings instead of going to meetings would seem a bit dull now. To drink now would be about as silly as choosing to drive on the wrong side of the road, and becoming a social drinker has no appeal at all, quitting when I start feeling good. I have found a reality I like living in, that is far nicer than what I tried to escape from even before having my first drink. I enjoy living and no longer fear the alternative. In spite of hearing people at meetings saying "attitude of gratitude" to the point of nausea, I still thought gratitude was a feeling that I should have, but didn't. I now see that gratitude is an attitude and I can choose to be grateful. In almost any situation, I can find something to be grateful about. I now have the kind of quality problems that I might have dreamed of having when I was still drinking. In a lot of my early meetings someone would say, "All sunshine makes a desert." Instead of cursing the rain and taking it personally evertime it catches me out, I can be grateful for being in a place with plenty of water, food and greener. Failing that, at least it isn't snow or hail. Gratitude used to be something that was very hard to sustain, as whatever I was grateful for would be taken for granted after I got used to it. That no longer is the case. I have lived in Tasmania for over five years now after moving here to retire after twenty years in Japan, but it is still a kick to be able to walk just five blocks to a meeting in my very own language, and with KFC on the way. I now truly enjoy the simple routines of life and am grateful just to be alive and well so that I can enjoy them. I feel like I am living in a paradise, and might still feel that way if I was living in most places now. |