In my early days in AA, there were no meetings in Sydney after 8PM and I recall asking people what they did after the one on Friday night. It thought the general reply, that they went home and went to bed, was a bit of a joke. On Friday night?! I was advised that there was a cafe where some members hung out after Saturday night meetings and soon found it. A lot of what happened there was taking other people's inventories, and at the time, I could see now harm in it. It seemed useful to find out who practiced what they preached as well as who the conmen and 13th steppers where.
As this was all happening in a big city, perhaps not a lot of harm was done, but gossip has done a lot of damage in some of the smaller places I have lived in sense, where it is pretty hard to separate the fellowship from the personalities or go to other meetings when one has a resentment against some. One meeting I went to had a lot of badmouthing of those not there, during the meeting and the smoke break. Even if admonished by someone, the people involved were likely to do the same at the next meeting. At least the meeting had kept going, perhaps more because there is no other within an thirty minute drive than because attending was the only way to not get gossiped about. Nevertheless, I could feel the atmosphere become a bit uncomfortable when this happened. One problem with trying to stop gossiping is that some eat it up and few are willing to object. I recall hearing about a Washington socialite who said, "If you can't think of anything nice to say about anyone, sit next to me."
When I was three years sober, I became a member of a religion, Bahai, that I am still active in. One of the teachings is that gossip and backbiting is one of the worst things we can do, and I felt the need to do something about it. I did want this defect removed and prayed for help. What happened was that I seemed to get caught every time I gossiped, offending the person I was talking to or having what I said get back to the gossipee. These experiences helped me to let go of this particular defect, although I suppose I have not been entirely without sin in this area since. Actually, it's probably about the only defect that I have been this successful in having removed. Other than the desire to drink, which has been gone for many years now, other defects seem to be just held in check while still snarling in a corner somewhere.
Criticism is a bit different in that it can be constructive and helpful, although I still can't take it very well and have found that giving it, particularly when not asked for, has almost always done more harm than good. Unsolicited criticism seems to imply that the giver is wiser than the recipient and seems to be as much an ego thing as a real desire to be helpful, and more likely to cause rebellion and resentment than change.
One of the most valuable things I have learned in AA has been that I can only share whatever wisdom I have gained by sharing my own experience and letting others take whatever they can from that. I do sometimes relay what I have learned from hearing of the experience of others in AA, but that is probably a lot less useful unless I can relate my own to it. I seldom try telling anyone else what I think they should do, and it usually becomes clear that it was a mistake if I do. I might say what I would do in a certain situation, if asked, and can't recall when I have been.
I recall that someone asked Bill W. about handling criticism. Bill's advice was to look carefully at what was said and see if there is any truth in it. If there is, I should ask myself if there is anything I should do about it and do so. If not, it is the criticiser's problem and not mine. Perhaps a plainer version of the same thing was something I read once, perhaps in a Grapevine:
"If someone calls you an SOB, and you are, they are just telling you something that should be useful. If you are not, why act like one by getting mad about it?" |