I have often said that I think the main reason I have been able to stay sober for many years is that I never thought I could do it on my own. I need some combination of meetings, online AA, one to one communication with other members and working and living in harmony with the Steps, including prayer, meditation and following my conscience, something I believe God speaks through, at least at times. I don't really know which parts of this mix are most essential, but believe that my life would start turning sour pretty quickly if I stopped doing it all, which would very stupid as I have come to enjoy doing it. Reality would change from something I have learned to love to something that seems out to get me again. The world around me would start shifting along the paradise-hell scale and people would seem far less friendly and trustworthy. I recall hearing a guy say that when he was slipping off the program, his secretary would still say, "Good morning." but she would say it in a funny tone of voice. The only other relief I know of is another drink and the idea of taking one would start to seem less insane as I became moreso again. I understand that God is ultimately responsible for relieving my alcoholism, but this is often called a self-help program and that seems to also me essential, not expecting God to do all the work. When I was new, I read a story in Came to Believe in which someone said that they had come to believe that something was running things. They didn't know Who or What it was, but it wasn't them. As soon as I read that, it hit me that I could accept that. Whatever it was didn't start whispering in my ear, but I saw the words "care of" in Step Three and realised that I didn't need to wait for that to happen. I could just steer clear of old playgrounds, playmates and playthings, do the next right thing(what I thought a moral adult would do even though I didn't feel like one), remember that trying to pray is praying and trust that Whatever was running thing would find ways to guide and protect me as long as I did as much as I could. I recall that one old saying I heard then was, "If you pray for potatoes, reach for a hoe." While I knew very little about God then, I had very little confidence in my own ability to sort my life out and knew that I needed all the help I could get. I recall someone saying that, "Coincidence is God's way of retaining His anonymity." and seemed to get far than my share of those. I also found that opportunities would come along when needed and doors that I can see now needed closing did so. I would hear what I needed to hear at and meet people I needed to meet, often at meetings. While my faith was still weak, my motivation to rely on it was quite high and I would often walk to my scary job as a high school teacher singing the Serenity Prayer to myself(to the tune of Ode to Joy) to bolster my courage to face another day. Over time my beliefs became a bit more sophisticated but life seemed to get easier to handle and I could sometimes forget that I needed God's help. I was in my last job for fourteen years and, while I said prayers before going there, I didn't really feel like I needed help with it. Even though I'd been sober for nearly thirty years, I felt like perhaps I was still in the gutter of denial regarding overeating. And somehow I couldn't get myself to ask for God's help with that, thinking that what I ate was my business and not His. When I was new, I saw a sign that said, "People who think they know everything upset those of us who do." and was nodding in agreement for a moment until I realised that it was a joke. I still don't know a lot of answers, but I do feel that I'm getting a bit more insight into the questions. I have often said lately that I think that staying sober is mostly a matter of staying sane, happy and able to adjust to reality. I can see that this does seem to imply that it is something that I'm doing and doesn't leave much room for God. I believe that he is still relieving my alcoholism even if I may be a bit confused about how He is doing that. I believe He is still guiding and protecting me even though I may be unaware of that or take it for granted, and I see that this can be dangerous. I remember a guy at a meeting who spoke about an AA friend who had been quite active and sober for decades but died drunk. When he tried to comfort the man's widow she said that perhaps her husband had been sober for too many years and not enough days. |